Merry Christmas

May you be with those you love.

If you cannot be with those you love, may you feel their love across whatever time or distance separates you.

If you cannot feel their love, may you have faith that it is there, regardless.

May we each feel the love of Jesus Christ and God the Mother and Father, and spread that love and light to those around us.

"The Guardians" ©Shiloh Sophia McCloud

Mother Fast 6: Moving forward

6. Collective willingness to find ways to move beyond patriarchy into more feminist and egalitarian paradigms in order to restore balance and honor the gifts of both sexes, mortal and Divine.

I don't know, I think that is pretty self-explanatory.   We all just need to move on, evolve, be better, be wiser, be kinder, be more balanced and inclusive and Christ-like.

It's a little strange to think that it has (only) been six months (already).  It seems like this Fast has been going on much longer, and yet it feels like it just began.  I've changed a lot in six months' time.  I've changed a lot in twelve months' time.  I'm a different person than I was a year ago, moreso than most years.

This blog has changed a lot in that time, too.  It started just as a place to jot down the spiritual stuff that didn't belong on my business blog.  Now I'm a practicing Pagan Mormon Feminist who publicly asks risky questions of General Authorities and fasts every month for the unveiling of Heavenly Mother.   Dang, 2011 has been a heck of a year.  I blame the Solstice Eclipse last winter.

Speaking of Solstice, this month's fast coincides with the local Pagan community's gathering.  This will be my first time being able to attend one since I first heard of them from a friend, and I'm dragging Dryad (who has an awesome new post up, which you should go read) along with me.  My hope is that it will be all Goddess-y and dance-y and inspiring and such.

Enjoy your fasting, friends and siblings!  May we each commit ourselves in the coming year to be more truly Christ-like to those around us.

Had to post it

My name is Jena, and I'm a Morgan

Copyright Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.

This post has been percolating in my head for a few months and I'm still not sure what I want to say.  It sat as a draft for three weeks before I hit Publish.  The subject feels weighty; it is weighty.  I run the risk of making myself out to be more of an "extremist" than when I came out as a feminist.  Still, feminism felt like a more drastic coming out.  Maybe I'm becoming more used to being weird.  Maybe it's because the term "Morgan" doesn't mean anything to most people.  It didn't mean anything to me until about a month ago.  I knew what I was, but I didn't have a label for it.

A Morgan is a Mormon Pagan.

In a way, this is a post has no point, except to add another label to a person who generally hates labels.  I could still just as easily say "I'm a Mormon". because pretty much everything Pagan about me is Mormon about me, just perhaps with a little different language or nomenclature. (So why am I making a post about it?  Because I can!  And it's good to record my process.)

• I respect and honor Creation
• I believe in a Divine Mother as well as a Divine Father
• I believe in the existence of multiple deities (^Duh)
• I believe we shouldn't cause harm to others and if we do, it will come back to us.
• I send my desires out for answer and do my best to believe they will be answered (though at times I struggle with believing I'm worth it, but that's another thing altogether)
• I appreciate the use of high ritual and ceremony in worship
• I believe in the support and ministrations of unseen beings of power and goodness from beyond the veil

I guess "Pagan-flavored Mormon" is technically more accurate.  Either way, I don't consider the two systems to be essential conflicting.  In some particulars?  Yes.  But in philosophical essences?  No. 

It's a little weird, really.    I mean, Mormons are basically the Pagans of the Christian world; meanwhile, many traditional Christian practices come from integrating elements of Paganism to help assimilate populations to the faith.  It's really not that big of a deal.  People get freaked out because of aspersions cast upon Pagan traditions over the centuries, and equate it with Satanism.  They aren't the same thing, though.  Paganism is nature-based.   Pagans don't even believe in the existence of Satan, much less worship him.

In spite of all these things, I still hesitate to really "out" myself more.  My Facebook profile does list my religious views as "Pagan-flavored Mormon: Loving the Earth. Seeking my Mother alongside my Father and my Savior. Observing cycles, seasons and Sabbats. Embracing truth. Keeping my temple recommend. It's not as crazy or difficult as you think."  No one has commented, so I don't know if anyone has noticed.

Then there's this post that I may or may not be brave enough to display in the view of my Ward members.  It's that hesitation, because of the bad connotations surrounding Paganism.  And then there's the feeling like I'm "too Mormon, not Pagan enough" or "too Pagan, not Mormon enough" to suit those on either side who would judge me, rather than extending compassion and acceptance.  The pressure I feel to conform to one or the other is tremendous.  It might be self-imposed, but if I'm completely honest, I do not trust everyone I know not to judge me for one or the other.  It's discouraging.

Still.  When it comes down to it, Paganism has made me a better Mormon.  Lighting a candle while I pray makes me feel more focused and keeps my mind from wandering so much.  Adding ritual elements to my day-to-day makes me feel more connected with God.  Is it "critical to my salvation" to smudge with sage or sweetgrass to "clear my space"?  No, but I don't think it hurts, and it makes my faith rituals feel more intentional.  I miss that in mainstream Mormonism.  I feel like we've had some of the beauty scrubbed out of our general practice.  Incense and oil were burnt in the ancient temples of Isreal to purify and sanctify the space and to lift prayers to Heaven.  Ornamentation and artwork in our regular church buildings is minimal, and while I don't think we need to go anywhere near Baroque cathedrals, I don't usually find our facilities more beautiful than functional.  With the exception of temples, I really don't find anything inspiring about the form of most of our facilities in and of themselves.  We've become so much about practicality and uniformity in modern times.  Things like beauty in architecture and adornment, scent, sound... we rarely use more of our physical senses than sight and hearing in our services and rituals, and I think that makes our correlated practices... sterile.  Homogenized.  Pasteurized.  Devitalized.  Boring.  Uninspiring.

Anyway.  For me, bringing in these new elements has given my faith vitality again in a time when I desperately need it.  It makes it easier for me to feel like I'm in touch with Divine power, like I can receive revelation and inspiration, be guided and protected.  I feel a little bit more spiritually alive, and I crave that.  I have always craved it.

It's not the way for everyone, and I understand that.  That's okay.  Frankly, neither is being ultra-orthodox.  Different people have different spiritual needs, and anyone willing can come to Christ and accept the Savior, though their needs be different.  He did come to learn to succor us all, not just the Mollys and Peters.  This is my personal need and my expression.  I don't expect anyone to join me, though I'm eternally grateful for those who do.  There are small numbers of us.  I am blessed with three in particular, my sisters, my Coven.  We're all on this crazy, crunchy, Earth-loving, Christ-following, Mother-seeking, covenant-keeping, recommend-maintaining, ritual-doing Morgan path together.

So yeah.  I'm a Morgan.  A Pagan-flavored Mormon or a Mormon-flavored Pagan.  Some people are going to disagree with that.  I can't help it.  I can't help it if they may even be in my own family.  But I'm using this Pagan side of me to improve the quality of my Mormon side.

Detail of the Nauvoo Temple - Source: Illinois in Focus

I still believe in the Godhead, though I also admit Mother to it in my own mind.  I believe in the Atonement.  I sustain the Prophet and leaders as men and women called of God.  I am chaste, almost to a fault.  My family relationships are loving and non-abusive.  I do not associate with organizations or individuals who preach or practice contrary to the Gospel--this being the sticking point in this whole journey, and the purpose of this post: My Paganism augments my Mormonism, it does not oppose it.  I strive to keep my covenants, stay active in the Church, and be a good person.  I am honest.  I pay my tithes.  I obey the Word of Wisdom.  I wear my garments.  I feel worthy to enter the temple.  I am worthy.

I am unorthodox.  But I am worthy.

Mother Fast 5: Overcoming Patriarchy

Hello, everyone.  It's that Sunday again.  Keeping on as a reminder of the "official" course of the Fast for this month, here's what I had outlined:

• A growing consciousness of the damages inflicted on humanity by traditions of patriarchy, the system of social, cultural, and religious rule by men to the exclusion and oppression of women and children.

I, however, will not be addressing this one this month in my own private Fast.  After last week's events, I'm instead going to be fasting for the leadership again, specifically the Prophet and the Apostles, that their hearts will be softened and opened to the weight of the people's need for Heavenly Mother, and that they will seek after revelation concerning Her.  I'll be praying that the message I sent with the Seventy will be (or has already been) seriously received and become a matter of pondering and consideration.

Whichever you choose, welcome to another month of sacrifice and dedication in the cause of our Goddess.  Thank you for being with me. :)

Outside the Garden

Perhaps the Devil replaced the symbol of feminine wisdom in the Eden story because life is a Hell of a lot harder once there's choices to be made.

I hate to say it because I feel a little ungrateful  after yesterday's sublime gift of timing, but that was the best I got out of the visiting authorities.  Both of their talks last night and this morning were... discouraging and unsettling.  I don't feel like going into details, but suffice it to say that if there's a hint of purposeful delaying of marriage and children, or a wife who doesn't follow her husband because he's the patriarch(y) in the household, or if you are an inch less than all on board with supporting only traditional marriage, you've been corrupted by the world and Satan.  It was pure Correlation speech, with little to no room for personal revelation, opinion, or need.  I think my question about Mother was the only thing either of them talked about that wasn't based primarily in "follow the Prophet/Priesthood, get in line, be good."

Okay, that's all slightly exaggerated because I was so taken aback by how put off I was.  Also, they did talk about personal revelation, but it was 99.9% (addressing me being the .1%) to do with their process of receiving revelation about the new Stake President.  That's wonderful!  I am glad to be assured of the revelatory process in our lay clergy, I truly, honestly am.  Nevertheless, I was really encouraged by at least portions of Elder Anderson's talk last Conference when he reaffirmed that decisions of when and how many children to have are between couples and the Lord, secondary to even prophetic advice, and to have the subject hit upon three or four times, while talking about how the men have the Priesthood and leadership responsibilities while women stay home and manage the affairs...  it bothers me, anymore.  We're not stewards over our husband's property while he's out doing God's work.  We are God's work!  With our husbands, not in spite of them.  Teamwork, not periodic couplehood!  Yes, I'm upset about it.  Talks like this make me feel like I'm less likely to find a man who will see and treat me as equal to him.

Of course, this was topped off with the obligatory bone-throw to the singles and the childless.  "You'll get the blessings eventually."  Thank you!  I had forgotten about that... that one thing that gives my flat-lined love life/death a hint of purpose.  That thing I must cling to if I'm to be a righteous LDS woman.  I had forgotten, because it's not ever-present when the subject comes up, and I'm not painfully aware that I'm not a member of the married-with-kids club.

Gragh.

All that said... for once, I was genuinely unimpressed by the words of leadership.  For once, I really disagreed and found myself in a Correlation Conundrum.  I'm certain this will not be the last time I face this situation.  I do like the new Stake Presidency, though, and I'm grateful for the former Presidency.  They were really wonderful, and I have high hopes that this new trio will carry the torch of awesome.

To end on a lighter note, I would like to take a moment to brag on my former Stake President.  I've known and loved the man for years.  He was my Stake Mission Leader when I was a Stake missionary... for three weeks before he was called to be President.  I was well acquainted with him before that through my Dad, and I was excited to see him called.  Over the years, he and his four counselors (one moved, one died--and he is still deeply missed and lovingly remembered, but that's another story) have done great amounts of good from what I've observed.  The President joined an interfaith coalition of local leaders an representatives of many faiths and built bridges and got to know them well.  He spoke openly of and acknowledged Heavenly Mother in at least one, possibly two meetings I attended.  When he and his wife were interviewed by Elder Oaks when he was called, and Elder Oaks gave him 20 minutes to choose his Counselors, he didn't need the whole time, but most remarkably... he told Elder Oaks that his wife would always be his first Counselor.  And she was.  Following that line, when he came to the singles ward to conduct the last Bishopric change, he said, speaking of the departing trio and advising the incoming, "The brethren are better prepared when they have the advice of their wives."  He has been a great example of equality and honoring women alongside men.

I pray that will continue with our new President and his Counselors, and that it will spread.

As a woman on fire

 "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning...  The visions and blessings of old are returning, and angels are coming to visit the earth."

I felt the burning of the Spirit tonight as I found myself with the opportunity to be the voice for thousands of women.  I haven't had many experiences so forceful in my life, but there was no mistaking the Spirit when it came and moved me.

We have a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy and an assisting Regional Authority in town this weekend to change our Stake Presidency.  At the end of adult session of Conference tonight, the Seventy gave us about 5 minutes to think of "inspired questions" that he or one of the others on the stand would answer.  He told us that he has a daily opportunity to eat lunch with members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve at Church headquarters, conversing with them and that he has been on assignment with every Apostle or Prophet for the past 16 years.  He said that he would take the hard ones and the easy ones could be answered by his assistant, the Mission President, or a member of our Stake Presidency.

I knew I had to ask about Mother.


As I was waiting for our thinking time to be over, I had the whole heart racing, hands shaking, sweating Spirit prodding thing going.  I was determined to be first.  When he finally opened it, my hand shot up.  I know I wasn't first in the air, but he called me and the mic came my way.  I stood with racing heart and I asked, "As a woman, "How can I as a woman know who I'm going to become if we know so little about Heavenly Mother, and how can we learn about her?"

I don't think he quite got the eternal scope of the question--or if he did, he didn't address it that way, in my opinion--but his answer was still good.  He talked about consulting Patriarchal Blessings, reading the scriptures to familiarize myself with the voice of the Lord/Spirit, and praying (to Heavenly Father) to know more.  He also spoke about finding little packets of blessings (I liked that) along life's road that would lead and guide me in the right direction.  I was hoping for something grander, personally.  However, when I stepped back from my expectations, I found that the answer given was a confirmation of what I've done and what I'm doing, the direction I'm traveling.  Also, for those out there who may be asking and thinking they're alone, or who are afraid to ask, or who don't even know to ask, I think it was a good intro answer that--if nothing else--might open dialogue and searching.

I was in process of leaving the building after the meeting, when I got this strong feeling to go back.  I almost didn't, but the pull was so strong.  It wasn't a forceful push or a drag, it wasn't a command it was... assurance.  I walked back inside and stuck my head into the chapel.  I looked for him, didn't see him, started to leave again.  Again the feeling came, telling me to go back and keep looking.  I did, but I didn't see him, didn't see him... Finally, I saw him across the room.  Of course, there were a couple doen people chatting between us.  I made my way in his direction, trying to find a path.  I almost stopped to hug a friend of the family, but I said to myself, "No, I'm not here for that," and got through the gym to the opposite foyer.  As I went through the door and looked up, I found myself face to face with the mission president, who said mine was a very good question and shook my hand.  I nearly shook the hand of the Regional Authority but the mission president distracted him.  Just as he was turning back to me, the Seventy approached and shook my hand and thanked me for being present tonight.

I thanked him for coming and I put my hand over his.  Instantly, I began to tear up as I looked at him.  I was filled with the fire of the Spirit and the weight of women's need.  It enveloped me and seeped into me.  It fused with my being for 30 electrifying seconds.  I have felt such a sensation once before--this thick feeling of being engulfed in water but never drowning, only being pressed in upon by something omnipresent and holistic--as I entered a Celestial Room for the first time.  I stood before him, wearing an unseen mantle lent to me by the spirit of every woman who ever lived, and choked out the words, "Please... I've talked to so many women about this, and we're very concerned.  We want to know about our Mother.  Please take that back to them.  Let them know.  Please, take it back to them."

He said he would, and thanked me again.  The mantle did not lift from my being until I left the building.  I couldn't help the tears falling down my face.  It was likely confusing to those who had seen me just two minutes before going in the other direction with a smile on my face, but I had done what I needed to do.  I did it without little fear and less hesitation.  I felt the Spirit move me in ways I would not have moved myself under my own, often-timid power.


Now I pray and I hope--I desperately hope--that he felt the weight of our need, and he will take it back to the Apostles and Prophet.  I will be praying for that this week as I prepare for this month's Fast.  I will likely also go off the "planned subject schedule", personally, and go back to Fasting for our leaders' inspiration.  Now may be the right time.

May our prayers be heard and answered.

Edits: Corrections made to titles of participants.

Awake and Arise update

So... nobody entered the contest!  No one!  It's kind of funny, actually.  Oh well, moving on with life.

So, the next step is making my own edits and transcription, followed by practice and recording.  I'm not sure how this is going to go, but let me know if you're interested in volunteering for it!  Whether it'll just be audio (almost certainly, to start) or video eventually(?) I haven't fully decided yet.  I guess I'll start with audio and go from there.

Another look at Eden

I recently asked on a Facebook group:

I'm working on a blog post about this, so I'd love to get anyone's insights.

If matriarchy indeed preceded patriarchy, what would the Eden story have looked like from a matriarchal perspective?

Interestingly enough, this is not the post I was working on!  Not by a long shot!  That's been on the back burner for over a week.  However, I got the concept for my extremely speculative answer rather suddenly late last night/early this morning--it was such that my mind felt illuminated and engaged the entire time I was writing, as if someone had it to dictate--and I sat down for about five or six hours just now to write about five or six pages.  The result is after the jump.  It's certainly controversial in some of its elements depending on how literally one believes the Eden story, but I really enjoyed writing it.  To avoid confusion, please note that I exchanged the English "Eve" for the Hebrew "Hawwah" throughout.  "Adam" apparently is already as Hebrew as I'm going to get.

And one last thing before you go and read: I love this story.  I don't get stuff like this coming through my brain very often and I felt inspired.  Whether this is "gospel truth" or not, I don't know--none of us knows--but I feel that it could be.  It could be close to the original series of events in the Garden of Eden, as told before patriarchal culture took the Creation mythology and recorded it as we have it today.  Whether it's pure truth or pure fiction or somewhere in between, I hope this take on the story of our origins touches your heart and feeds your soul the way it did mine.

The Articles of Faith, revisited

Somewhat expanded and updated, per the Gospel according to Jena...

1 I believe in God and Goddess, the Eternal Parents, and in Their Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

 2 I believe that men and women will be punished for their own sins, not for the events in the Garden of Eden.

3 I believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all people may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

 4 I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.  (I don't have much to add there.)

 5 I believe that a person must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

 6 I believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth, and that men and women are equally capable of filling these positions.

 7 I believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth, and these are received through faith and the Spirit by those who believe they will receive them.

 8 I believe the Bible to contain the word of God and Goddess as far as it is translated correctly; I also believe the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price to contain the word of God and Goddess.  I believe that each volume of scripture has some cultural baggage attached to it, yet affirm that no baggage negates the message and power of the Gospel of Christ, or the ability of holy writ to uplift, edify, and instruct.

 9 I believe all that God and Goddess have revealed, all that They do now reveal, and I  believe that They will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to Their Kingdom.

 10 I believe in these Last Days, that Goddess will be revealed in Her power and Her daughters shall receive Priestesshood; that Israel shall be literally gathered from  all corners of the earth and the Ten Tribes restored; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.

 11 I claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God and Goddess according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all people the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

 12 I believe in being subject to just and humane kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining good laws, and claim the right to protest and work to replace bad laws or rulers as necessary.

 13 I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, doing good to all women and men, and advocating for the needs of the oppressed; indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul—I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things.

Safe place

I dream of a yurt in the woods
Shaded by trees as old as my faith
It's walls the colors of brick and blood
Warmed within by a pellet stove.
Its roof gathers rain and dew
And its floors are covered with rugs.

Wooden bed with woolen blankets
Sheepskin slippers and cedar bookshelves
Drying plants adorn the beams and perfume the air

While a Maine Coon warms herself in a sunny spot.
A carved wooden staff  against a wall
Serves as a helpmeet while I journey between the trees
And stands in token of the man I cannot yet picture
Accept-admitting into my sanctuary.


Sunlit hills are hidden through the haze of green and brown
The canopy and undergrowth
Surrounding an easterly field of green and Good
With goats and chickens and a great black horse
A frame for the rising of sun and moon.
A shed for feed and straw and herbs
A home for nourishment and healing.

Henna red hair shines like new copper
A color that comes from my soul.
Out here I can go barefoot
In soft grass with no rocks
Squashy leaf fall with no thorns
Til my feet are black and calloused
So they can feel their strong way without fear.

The perfume of fir and redwood, bay laurel and earth
Covers my hollow like a lover and a friend
Lupine and poppies
Virginia stock and golden grass
Or new-sprung buttercups and clover.

Here I weather all storms
Here I recover from storms
Here I am, with in my self in all my complexity
Here, I am safe.

Mother Fast 4: The on-the-road edition

I realized about 8PM last night that I had forgotten to post a reminder about the Fast.  I remembered as I was two and a half hours from home and I had left my computer at home.  I am (usually) too lazy to post from my phone.  Nevertheless, I did remember to fast in time to do so, and it made my evening at a bachelorette party a little less fattening (though I did wait to begin until I'd had a cupcake.  Yummy.)

I'm afraid it has been a very long day, so I don't have a lot to say right now.  I know, I'm a bad blogger.  I did fast, though.  I hope you did too, and that something good happened to you because of it.

Mobile moon tree

I bought this pendant some time ago from a woman, and it's been hanging around (no pun intended) my house.  I wear it occasionally, and I always feel closer to Mother when I do.  I ran across it last night as I was getting ready for bed, and decided to take it out and hang it from my rear view mirror.

Today, every time I looked at it as I drove, as I got in or out of the car, I felt a touch of something.  A connection.  I felt as though something was plugged in, a circuit was closed when I saw this reminder of Mother.  I like it.  It feels right.  It fills a space I didn't realize was vacant in that specific place in my life, and it gives me comfort in a time when I need it so desperately.

On a side note, I also listened to the latest episode of Daughters of Mormonism, "'If any of you lack Sophia': Anthroposophy and Mormonism" and it's pretty much amazing.  I'm a tad "ehhh" on a few things she says, but it's mostly slight variations of opinion and nothing I can't pass over easily in light of all the awesome information presented.  So, if you haven't, I recommend you go check it out!

I need my Mother

Fairly early on in my Daughters of Mormonism episode about the Mother Fast, as part of recounting my history with the Church and my life in it, I mentioned that I was adopted at birth.  Sybil then asked if I thought part of my reasoning behind starting the Fast was because I was adopted and whether I felt like I was reaching out for that lost connection.  At the time I answered no, and I still think that answer is true (though who knows what motivations are triggered in the subconscious?  That's why it's subconscious.)  I feel far more affected by my adoption than my sister does--she forgot to even mention it to her husband until their first tithing settlement and he noticed the sealing date on her record--and while I often think about my birth mother, I truly am happy in the life and family that I have and I can't imagine a better one.  It might be a tiny contributing factor, but maybe.... there's a more obvious one.

I alluded before (is it allusion when it's pretty much straight up?) to the fact that my mother has cancer: melanoma to be precise.  And it sucks.  We've been dealing with this in some way, shape, or form for almost two years now and it's just... not getting better.  The treatments she just finished may still take another month or two to really start showing results; meanwhile her most recent scan indicated significant tumor growth since the scan that told us the cancer was back.  They're talking about radiating one of the tumors, but even then there's two more, one of which is in her lung and she has already done all of the chest radiation her body can take.  Ever.  It's no longer an option.  Neither is surgery.  Chemo isn't very effective for melanoma.  She wants to live past the time when my niece is born enough so that no one ever thinks, "It's her birthday, and this is the time we we lost her Grandma."  My niece is "due" in early-mid January.  In theory, my Mom could be gone in six months.  I wasn't thinking it could be that soon.

I need my mother.  I need my Mother.  I conceived the Fast not long after Mom and Dad told us about the cancer's return.  Maybe part of my motivation for this search for Heavenly Mother is because I can't stand the thought of losing my Mom.  We already lost her Mom when I was seven.  I lost a woman I saw as something of a second Mom in my teens.  I've never known my birth mother.

One of my best friends lost her Mom when she was a young child, only three or four years old.  I can't even imagine that kind of loss.  I can't.  Even when my Mom passes on, at least I'll be an adult.  Still, I don't know what I'll do.  I feel badly because people lose their mothers every day.  People go through this grief all the time.  I don't want to be one of them, but I will be and I don't know how I'm going to endure it.

I had planned to start saving to move into town right before we found out.  Now the idea makes me sick to my stomach.  I don't want to go away, but I need to.  My adultness needs to, and I know she understands that; but my childness needs all the time it can get with her.  And if I fail to move until after she's gone?  I'll leave my Dad alone in an empty house that he just might feel the need to sell at that point, and with it would go over two decades of memories.

My thoughts have just come to a screeching, messy stop with stuff tumbling over itself out of order and scattering across the floor.  I guess it's time to stop.  I just really... I need my Mother.  I need my Mother.

Cancer sucks.  Patriarchy sucks.  I need my Mothers.

"Awake and Arise": a feminist anthem--Super Update!

Holy crap!  My communal music project got mentioned today on Exponent!! *gasp!* I had a total geek out moment when Heather told me.  The post overall is really great and interesting (so go read it!) and I'm just thrilled to have this project mentioned. :D

Submissions are now open until Monday, October 31st with a decision made by Monday, November 7th.  Please send them to likeuntoeve(at)gmail(dot)com!

Also: This is my 50th published post!! WOO!

What if...: Wildly speculative and heretical

"What if..."

To my understanding, there are many gods, and possibly many levels of gods (as in "they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there" D&C 132: 19) on the way up to becoming a God the Father or God the Mother.  Whether there's all separate universes or if it's divvied up by planets or star systems or galaxies, I don't know--I don't wanna get into those particulars--but assuming that the whole "as man is, God once was; as God is, man may become" idea that we base a lot of our beliefs on is true, there's a truckload of deities in existence somewhere out there, here or in other realms/planes/what have you.  And we're told that once you receive your immortality after judgment, you're not going to die anymore.

But what if... we've misinterpreted or misunderstood.

I have no citations to back me up here, these are just the ideas running around in my head, but... what if the reason we don't hear about or worship Mother anymore--and haven't for thousands of years--is that... She died?  Or was killed?  We assume all gods must be good, but what if they're not?  What if the greater reality is more like the drama and warfare of the ancient pantheons, where gods and goddesses are born, live, and die or are otherwise defeated with a fair amount of regularity?  The logic of "there can be no Father without a Mother" would still hold true, because She helped create us in the past.  As far as I know, all official Mormon theology regarding Her has been strictly logical; I've never heard of a Prophet--even Joseph--specifically saying, "There is a living, embodied Goddess, too."

So what if she just isn't there anymore, and we literally cannot get in touch with her or hope to bring her back into acknowledgment in our faith?

Sometimes I deeply dislike the speculative parts of my brain.

EDIT: I feel I should clarify.  This post is not a response to the lack of Mother-ly references in General Conference.  I've had these thoughts spinning around in my head for a few weeks now, perhaps a month, and I felt the need for the cathartic purge before they could fester any more.

Yeah...--minor update

I'm a little bummed.  I was really hoping for at least a common thread or a trend, or a couple "Father and Mother"s at the very, very least.  I hear there was one "Heavenly Parents" mentioned, though it snuck past me.  (Update: Heather found it.)

Besides that--and perhaps it's the perspective I have these days as opposed to even 6-9 months ago--this Conference just seemed very... very... not for Me.  I had to dig more than usual for something that felt relevant to me and my place in life.  There was one session (Saturday afternoon?) that was about 2/3rds "MARRIAGE-BABIES-BE A MOM-FAMILY"

It made me want to flail my arms--like trying to ward off the inexorable advance of a steam roller--and scream, "I'M TRYING!!"

I know not everything is meant for everyone, and different people need different counsel, but for a rare incidence, I just didn't get a lot out of Conference.  Maybe it's my own fault.  I was distracted at various points, and I certainly was focusing a lot of energy searching for something that never came.  Maybe I'll find more when I go back and watch, listen, or read things over again.  And I will carry on with the Fast and with hoping and praying and seeking and looking forward.

Right now, I'm just bummed.

My Facebook "coming out" post: Seeking Revelation

As Latter Day Saints, continuing, modern revelation is a core tenet of our faith.  On it is founded the Restoration and the need for and validity of prophets.  We sustain our highest leadership as prophets, seers, and revelators, and regard much of their writing and speaking as new scripture that is applicable to our current times and circumstances.

We believe all that God has revealed, all that He does now reveal, and we believe that He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. - 9th Article of Faith

Within the past year, I've noticed a convergence of things in my own life.  From the conversation of friends, to blogs, to academic papers out of BYU, to books and music, it just kept coming up and crossing my path, pointing in one, single direction.

It was a direction my own thoughts had often turned over the years.  In those times it was like seeing a mountain in the near distance--tall and lush with vegetation, rising into the sky as a perpetual gesture toward Heaven and eternity-- and finding yourself at the edge of an impassable gorge.  There was no bridge in sight--none that looked like a reliable crossing--and no way to jump.  You could see the mountain there, you knew it existed, but you could not touch it, taste its fruit, hear its birds, or climb its peak to take in its vista.  True, there was a mountain on this side of the gorge, one with which you are familiar and which you have climbed before, but its partner was yonder, seemingly silent, alone, and always hinting at a deeper understanding of the world.

That mountain was Mother.

Everything was pointing to Heavenly Mother, the epitome of womanhood about whom we know virtually nothing as Latter Day Saints.  We acknowledge Her existence and Her eternal companionship with God the Father, we sing briefly of her in 'O My Father' and there are occasional references in talks and documents, though very often lumped in with Father.  Men could look to Father, Christ, Adam, and several dozen prophets and apostles for their examples.  Women could look to... Father, Christ, Adam, all the prophets and apostles, Eve, and a couple dozen women in scripture for theirs.  But not Mother.

"Why do you need to know about Mother when you have Father and Christ?"  As much as I love them, they're not female.  They are not precisely who or what I--as a woman--aspire to become.  I don't have very much information on exactly what that means and that seems kind of important to eternity.  You can't get where you're going if you don't know the destination.  It was a source of sorrow and frustration, even anger.  I felt powerless to change it, and I was not the only one.

Then at the beginning of the summer, I realized, "Why couldn't I do anything about it?"    I have prayer and fasting, faith, hope, and a long legacy of truth-seeking and inspiration.  I was not powerless!  So I began to fast and pray every month, and it has been an amazing experience.  I feel like my spirit has expanded, cracked open like dry ground, ready to receive nourishment and water when it's given.  It hasn't always been pleasant or easy--in fact, it's one of the most spiritually arduous journeys I've ever embarked on--but I feel closer to my Heavenly Parents for it.  I've felt the influence, guidance, and comfort of the Holy Spirit as I've sought knowledge of my Mother.  I've begun to heal the pain inside and to satisfy this yearning for the Feminine half of the Divine, using the tools I've learned to use throughout my Mormon life.

However, I couldn't let it stop with me.  I had to reach beyond myself.  I knew I wasn't alone.  I asked others who yearned for Mother to join with me in my monthly prayer and fasting, with a hope for something official in General Conference, because this is something we all need to know.  It is a lofty goal!  But, if the time is right and our hearts are ripe, not an unreasonable one.  Ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.  God rarely gives where there has not been preparation and expressed need or curiosity.

Ultimately, it is up to God to give the revelation, and to decide when.  It may be this weekend--I hope it will be, though as yet there has been not the slightest hint, so--it may be in six months, it may be in six years.  But these fasts and these prayers are my offering upon the altar of my soul, the sacrifice I mean in the pursuit of greater intelligence, wisdom, light, knowledge, and understanding.  I trust that they will not be accounted worthless in some time to come.

All seekers for our Mother are welcome to join in the efforts: male and female, LDS and non, conservative and liberal, old and young, straight and gay, rich and poor, single and married.  Even if my prayers are answered this weekend and something comes forth, there is still work left to do and I will continue to fast and pray for some months regardless.  So, you're welcome, my friends, to join me if you feel so inclined.  If you do not feel inclined, that's okay, too. :)

Either way, I have found my Father, and my Brother and Savior and heard their messengers.  Now I listen also for messages from my Mother who stands with them.

One more shot of optimism

Regendered/Inclusive Doctrine & Covenants Section 4 (with gently modernized language)

Now behold, a marvelous work and a wonder is about to come forth among the children of women.

Therefore, O you that embark in the service of Goddess and God, see that you serve them with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, that you may stand blameless before God and Goddess at the last day.

Therefore, if you have desires to serve Goddess and God you are called to the work.

For behold the field is white already to harvest; and she that thrusts in her sickle with her might, the same lays up in store that she perishes not, but brings salvation to her soul;

And faith, hope,charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God and Goddess, qualify her for the work.

Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, sisterly kindness, godliness, chairty, humilty, diligence.

Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.  Amen.

Enjoy General Conference!

An extra day of prayer

I went to bed last night realizing that tomorrow starts the main body of Conference.  (I consider Relief Society and Young Women's Conferences to be part of the body of General Conference, just like Priesthood Session, in spite of the week between them.)  I went to bed last night praying that the veil would be lifted from Mother's face.  I woke this morning to pray again for understanding to come forth this weekend.  I may or may not Fast. I probably should, I just don't know if it's feasible for me today.  However, I will not stop praying.  (Praying is a free action. /nerd joke)

Every day, I dress to honor God.  Today I will also dress to honor Goddess.

Every day, I act in and by the name of God.  Today, I will also act in and by the name of Goddess, that those I encounter will feel some part of Her love.  I will do what I can to fill the need for a "Mother in a Motherless house."

Every day, I carry God in the song of my heart.  Today, I will also carry Goddess in the music I play and the music I sing, that Her voice might be heard in the world.

I give thanks to God and Goddess for the inspiration for this Fast, for the growth it has brought me, and the journey I am on.  I give thanks for the people with me on this journey and their kind words and support.  I pray for the courage to share it with more people I know.

My hope is high, though the voice of my faith sounds a little shaky in my own ears.  I know it may not come this weekend--that ultimately, I believe it is up to our Parents' timing, no matter what skeptics and naysayers would say about patriarchy and suppression--but I do believe it will come.  I just pray that if my small efforts can be worth anything this weekend, they will be.

Please pray with me today.

I've been thinking a lot about gays

(Great title, right?  Right.  Hang with me.)

Granted there has been more direct reason in the past three or so years, and really one could go back to circa 1995, but for me, it has been somewhere in my mind for about 11 or 12 years.  That's when the campaign for Prop 14 started, which was the original law passed by California voters in 2000 defining marriage as between a man and a woman.  Who remembers that?  It kinda sorta hit the back burner from my POV until... what was it, 2004?  2006?  When Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco basically said to the majority of the state's voters, "Screw all y'all, I'm authorizing same-sex marriages in this city!"  (And the now-famous line "It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not!"  Thanks Mr. Mayor.  Voters FTW.  Oh wait.)  Then there was bickering and repeals and appeals and blahblahblah--Prop 8.  So for the second time in a decade, we were asked to get involved.  And I did.

And it sucked.

California is a pretty blue state, and I can be a very shy person, and the 50+% of voting residents as of 2000 and 2008 still opposed gay marriage do not live in my calling area.  There's areas of the state that are fairly red, or at least magenta.  The county I live in is maybe half a shade less blue than San Francisco itself.  I carried a lingering uncertainty for my safety having a yellow Prop 8 sticker on my bumper... right next to the other yellow one that said, "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."  (I got into a brief discussion once about the apparent incongruency between the two.  I'm still surprised it was only once and that it was brief, because believe me, the difficulty of holding both of those as true did not escape me.)  The night of the election, all the bumper stickers in my family came off for that reason.  I'm sure many people elsewhere in the state with blue stickers did the same thing for the same reason, and really it's just a tiny taste of the fear LGBT people live with around the world.

Anyway, I did most of the stuff I was asked to do.  I made phone calls.  (I would have rather eaten escargot.  I hate phones and I hate potential confrontation.)  I stood on street corners with signs.  I may or may not have contributed money; I can't remember.  I got a balloon at a street fair in my grandparents' hometown, and walked around with that for a while that night.  I had conversations with a few friends that I didn't especially want to have, but I did it out of a feeling of obligation and duty.  That didn't mean I was especially happy about it.

The subject was inescapable one way or another.  Every.one.was.talking.about.it.  It was on the news, on the street, in businesses, at church, in the grocery store, in my college classes.  Posters and bumper stickers and banners and mediamediamedia.  (This was also the year I got royally fed up with both major political parties--I was raised Republican--and registered as an Independent.  I was sick and overwhelmed by the political madness of that year.)  And at last, I voted the way I felt I should, while secretly envying my newly baptized friend who told me straight-up she was voting no.

While all of this was going on, my family was estranged from my gay brother and his partner.  There had been a series of incidents over the years (actually very few of them directly to do with his orientation) and things just got awkward and silent.  Occasionally gifts would go one way or the other but we just didn't really communicate.  I wanted to be his friend on Facebook but felt like that was disloyal to my Dad, who was the one particularly mad at him.  We saw them at a family wedding and maybe a reunion, but... yeah.  He was still my brother, and he was still gay, and nothing was going to change that.  I wanted to know him, and his partner.  It took two and a half years after the '08 elections for that to happen.  Now we're all friends on Facebook and Words With Friends and we comment on statuses and photos and it's a grand ol' time!  The family feels whole without this weird gap because they'e not there.

Fast forward to this summer or even the whole past year.  We got back in touch with my brother and his partner as mentioned.  I became friends with a lovely lesbian couple who are my business neighbors.  (I'd link to their store--which is fantastic--but it would destroy what anonymity I maintain.)  I attended their wedding reception last month.  And beginning to learn about Carol Lynn Pearson and her life story with her gay ex-husand.  And the Daughters of Mormonism episodes immediately after mine.  And... I don't know, it has just been on my mind.  The publicized accounts of people committing suicide because of bullying, the ongoing hullabaloo of post-Prop 8, my friends; all of these things just kept it coming back up, and honestly, I'm not sure exactly where all of my opinions and beliefs sit anymore.  However, I do know where a few sit.

No one should be bullied for being LGBT, or any other reason.  No one should end up feeling like death is the only way out of their suffering.  I've rarely seen two people more in love than my neighbors.  I don't think everyone who identifies as LGBT was born that way... but prob-ssibly a lot--maybe most!--were.  I don't know why.  I don't know how that fits into my view of the purpose of life and eternal progression.  I do believe people when they say that they love a person of the same sex, and that they belong together.  (At least as much as I'd believe a heterosexual couple.  Being one or the other certainly doesn't guarantee good relationship skills or a good match.)  I believe people when they do say they've gotten a feeling from God that they are just the way that they're supposed to be.  I have no reason or right to doubt another person's spiritual experiences, even when they don't mesh with my own.

I believe that God is love, and that love is a fruit of the Spirit and when you feel love (or peace, kindness, long-suffering, etc.) that's a sign of the Spirit's presence.  (Once I put  that idea together in that manner--thanks to a Sunday School lesson no less--it blew a gigantic hole in my ideas about homosexual relationships.)  I believe everyone deserves at least a chance at love and happiness in life, even if some of us never find it.  I believe every soul has great intrinsic value, no matter what shape it's in.  I believe everyone should be treated with fairness, kindness, and respect.  I believe we all have our sins and our struggles and things that other people don't like about us: some of them we can change in this life, some of them we can't.  I don't believe being homosexual in and of itself is a sin;  I don't know where I think it goes from there, especially in context of things I've already said about love and happiness.

I wish no one would ever feel like they could not come unto Christ, partake of the Atonement and the blessings and ordinances of the Gospel, be washed clean, and believe and worship in full fellowship with all the saints because of their sexual orientation.  I wish something--whatever it is--would come to be so that no one would ever have to leave again in order to live with integrity about who they are and whom they love.  I've personally known three people (maybe four but I lost contact with him years ago) in my life who have left the LDS church at least in part because they are gay.  They've all gone on to continue being God-loving, spiritual, religious people... just not in the Church.  I wish it wouldn't be that way.  I hope someday it won't be.

I think there must be enough room in all eternity for our LGBT brothers and sisters.  I hope someday we'll find it.

Truncated Muddle

Oh, life is a muddle.  I can't even quite gather my thoughts here, but I'll try.

I've slowed my posting of late for a lot of reasons, and I feel like I've talked about this before but I really can't recall.  The Mother Fast is still going.  I'm still wishing I knew how many people are participating.  I've had no entries on the "Awake and Arise" anthem contest thingy.  None.  Not a one.  Well, except from a small group of friends with whom I discussed it before even putting it out there for entries.  I'm a tiny corner of the internet--not even a corner, really, more like a nail dent in a wall--

And Blogger ate my post.  *sigh.*  *fistshake*  Maybe it's for the best, it was mostly just me freaking out about life in general.  That's not really the purpose of this blog.  Here's a run-down, anyway.

• Mom's improving, albeit slowly.  The situation's still stressful.
• I suck at my business.  I'm good at my work!  But I'm terrible at my business.  This must change.
• I'm questioning things about myself lately that I never thought I'd question and I'm wondering if it's because of reality or general frustration with where I am in life.
• In spite of crap, my life's still pretty good.  I'm just stressed and scattered and in need of balance, grounding, and centering.  I'm also very seriously considering adding Reiki to my healing repertoire once I chill out a bit.

On a side note, I got a message on Facebook this morning from a friend who said she'd shared some information about circumcision with her brother and sister-in-law and they had decided that if they were having a boy, they wouldn't circumcise.  And they're having a boy!  WOO!  One more whole baby going home with all his God-given parts!  Yay!

Okay, I'm done.  I'm off to keep muddling through.  Off to go forth and try to conquer.  Away!

Blessed Mabon!

Or as most of us know it, Happy Autumn Equinox!

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  Favorite. Fav.or.ite.  I was Autumn one year for Halloween and I just might do it again.  (It's battling for first place with being a good fairy.  Autumn fairy? Mmm intriguing.)

Today is a balance point in the year, the time when light and dark come face to face in their seasonal dance and share a smile.  Some people see it as a dreary time of year, full of dead plants and extremes in temperature (Indian Summer to "frickin' cold!" and back again) and dwindling light and daytime hours, and school.  I had a discussion a few years back with a guy I had a crush on at the time about it.  He was of the above opinion and at first couldn't see what I love it so much.

Well.  Let us have a foray into the reasons!  (Can you tell how giddy I am today?  Oh, this is going to be a scatterbrained post, I can feel it.)

• The colors: dramatic and varied across virtually the entire spectrum, with of course an emphasis on the warm tones.
• Fruition: Autumn is a time for what has been planted to be harvested.  Literally that means an abundance (*cue angel choir* Ahhhh!) of awesome and delicious food (and PIE).  Metaphorically, it embodies someone I am constantly seeking in my life.  It's my goal.  I don't always complete things, but I'm always trying to "get where I'm going", and I'm trying to be better about manifesting (*angel choir*) my goals and desires.  ... Dude, I'm totally going to get into my workbook today!  Yes!  But first, finish the blog post...  And clear (*choir*) that off my list!
• Clearing:  Clearing is another place I struggle.  I kinda sorta maybe hoard things... a lot.  It's not quite bad enough to be on TV, but it's close.  I want to clear and be cleared--I function much better in a cleared space--I just.. struggle with it, you know?  Like the sudden urge to go buy one of these awesome brooms they sell downtown... yeah.  It must be resisted, especially since I already own one... it's just at work.
• Preparation:  Autumn's a time to harvest, finish one's work, clear the fields and prepare them for the time of rest.  It's the final stage and the first stage and another one I've struggled with.  (You'd think I'd hate a time that symbolizes all these things I have problems doing.  Apparently not!)  I've seen time and again where a little preparation ahead of time would've put me in a much better position when the time came to act, and times when having done preparation made life so much easier!  So it's a principle I love, I just need to work harder.
• Fresh pumpkin pie.  It's gonna happen this year!
• The weather.  Fog, crisp breezes, warm days, cool nights.
• Animals preparing for winter and thus out and about in search of food, like apples in my orchard.
• Orion.  I have this weird obsession with the constellation of Orion, perhaps because when I was younger, it was so easy to pick out.   Then I fell in love with archery.  Whatever it is, every year I watch for the return of Orion and revel in his presence in the sky.

So a happy, healthy, hearty Equinox to you all!  <3

Mother Fast 3: Hope for Revelation

Since starting this journey, I've always felt like this would be a particularly important month.  General Conference is in two weeks, General Relief Society in one, and it's kind of "go time", you know?  Of course, I've also acknowledged that it might not happen this quickly.

But wouldn't it be amazing if it did!

So, please focus your prayers and intentions today on Church leaders, that they will be sensitive to our desire for knowledge and soon bring forth new revelation with regards to the nature, duties, and power of our Heavenly Mother, be it this Conference or in the coming months.

And go catch up on Daughters of Mormonism when you get the chance, if you haven't already.  There's been some more really good stuff in the past few weeks!

A letter to my younger self

I went out Sunday night with my best friend to repeat a ritual we did that night ten years ago.  We drove out to the coast and prayed for our country and our fellow Americans.  This night was less grief-stricken and stunned by far, and we used the opportunity to catch up on our lives.  Before we prayed and after we prayed, we discussed the way the world was ten years ago and how it had changed.  Then we talked about what we would say to our 19 and 18 year old selves, if we were to magically run into them.  We decided to write it down.  Here's mine.

Dear younger Jena,


I am you in ten years, and I have some things to tell you.  I know you, and I know that sometimes you're very good at taking suggestions to heart, and sometimes you're very resistant; you want to make your own way and your own mistakes in certain matters.  However, this is me you're hearing from, not some random adult who has "been there".  I know you, and I know what I would have done differently.

First of all, stop worrying so much about boys.  At the very least, give it an honest try.  I know you're hormonal (even if you will not admit it) and lonely and you want to be loved, and taken in, and cherished, and move forward with the life you think you've been told you need to make.  I'm still single, and it has taken me until the past few months to be 95% okay with that.  I still want to get married and have children--throw the idea of having a dozen right out the window; you don't have the wherewithal for that--but I've spent a lot of years delaying the life I could have had as a single woman because I did not have the life I wanted as a married one.  Gavin, Troy, that Swedish dude, and whatever other silly lads you're clinging to so fervently in your heart will never, ever make you happy.  They will bring you only pain, and in fact you will largely forget about them by the time you're my age.

Speaking of forgetting, go to your doctor and get yourself on that medication you've been resisting.  Just get it over with and move on.  I've explored a lot of options in the past decade and nothing has worked.  Believe me when I say that one teeny pill in the morning when you wake up for the rest of your life is a lot easier (and less expensive!) than 20 supplements that you have to remember throughout the day "for 6-18 months".  Accept your reality, work with it, and move forward.

And for the love of yourself and all other things holy and good, lose weight!  Stop whining about feeling unattractive and do something about it!  You're about 250; I'm about 100 lbs heavier.  You have energy and tons of discretionary time.  Go to the gym.  Ride a bike.  Go back to riding horses.  (Seriously, make the time for it.  You are not "too busy", you're just too lazy.)  Take up swimming.  You are a beautiful person at any size, but if you do nothing now, you will spend most of your 20s lamenting how ugly you feel and how little attention you get from men.  Also, you'll just generally feel better and happier: truly happier and more self-confident.

Listen to your instincts more and be kind to yourself.  You have an almost limitless capacity for compassion and kindness, but you will meet (and already know) certain people whom all the love, compassion, and kindness in your heart will do nothing to save them from disaster.  You already know who they are, or you will know them when you meet them.  Love them, pray for them, but you deserve to keep your own energetic integrity of heart and spirit.  They will damage you and drain you if you let them.  You might almost marry one of them, and the trauma of that will stay with you for years.  You can say no to people, and sometimes you should.  Bry turns out okay.  He was one of the great successes of your compassion because you were proactive.

Listen to your instincts more and be passionate.  You have a rich internal life of things you want to do, things that interest you.  You won't be ready for some of them for several years yet, but keep hold of those dreams.  Those desires are good and they will add depth and beauty to your life and your faith when their time comes.  Make a better study of herbalism.  Make yourself a Wisdom in truth and not just spirit.

Listen to your instincts more and be brave.  Fear has held you back from a lot of great things.  Be more adventurous.  Cultivate more healthy friendships.  Try not to imagine that you might marry the guys, though I know that will be a challenge.  Treasure the friendships with those that build you up, and be willing to let go of the ones that break you down (see first instinct paragraph.)  There will come times when that break will steer you in the direction you need to go and you'll be healthier for it. 

The choice whether to go on a full-time mission or not is entirely yours.  I can't say what will happen if you do, because I did not.  It put me on a very different path than where I would have been, but it has also been a very good one.  I don't know how the timing would have worked out if I had gone, but the life I have is very good and I love my work.  Sometimes I wish I had gone and wonder where I'd be.  The choice is yours.  Don't let others pressure you one way or the other.  Listen to your instincts and the Spirit.

Learn how to not spend money, how to spend it wisely when you do, and how to save it.  Get a part-time job while you're in school and learn how to work for someone else, even if/when you hate it.  Take some business classes at the college.  Learn to write a business plan and implement it.  Your independence will almost certainly drive you toward self-employment.  Spend and save wisely, and any large monetary gifts should be put into savings, a Certificate of Deposit, or otherwise used only in the service of moving your life forward, rather than in maintaining the status quo.  In spite of the hassle of having to drive to the next town over--because your town won't get one until 2010--credit unions are worth the effort.  Prepare to buy a post-2000 car with high mpgs and decent cargo space in a few years.  Invest in precious metals.

Take Dead Poets Society more seriously.  Carpie diem!  Seize the day!  Make your life extraordinary!  Get an apartment with your best friend.  Save up and go on road trips.  Drive up and down the West Coast.  Drive across the country.  Go to Ireland and Europe.  See more of the world while you have the resources.  Learn to dance and to garden and to cook and keep singing.

In about seven to eight years, there will be a mole on Mom's back that will start itching a lot.  Make her take it to the doctor and have it removed early.  Listen to your instincts.

Pull back from the internet and live outside your chair.  Draw, paint, and write.  Read more.  Emerson, Thoreau, Austen, Tolkein, and Lewis.  Expand your sphere of knowledge and improve your mind.  Take up speech and debate; I know you have an aversion to it because of Ben, but he's a jerk anyway and you have a gift for expression and thinking that merits refinement.  Cultivate yourself like a garden, and start pulling down the walls that keep you secret.  You may be lonely or you may find love, but that isn't the point.  Heaven knows, that's not the point!  The point is... whether you find love or not, you have to live with yourself.  Now or later, you are your constant companion.  Make yourself the best companion you can have.

Listen to your intuition and your instincts.  Learn to work and how to manage money.  Cultivate wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.  Be insane with courage.  Explore.  Make good friends and don't be afraid to let go of ones who will hurt you.  Be prepared for heartache, because it will come and it can be horrible, but it is a vehicle for change and progression; it will help you grow and take you where you need to be.  Be kind to others and spread the love of Christ you feel within you.  I've answered Sister Fish's question for myself; I'm still here after all these years, and I'm still in love with my faith, though I've gone through a lot of changes, too.  Don't be afraid.


Don't be afraid.  You are equal to the tasks ahead of you.


Love always,
Jena, 2011


Kind of like a Matriarchal blessing from myself.  If only I could send it back.  Then again, how do you balance "What you go through makes you who you are" and "I would do anything not to have gone through that"?  Such is life, I suppose.  I should start taking my advice now before I'm 39.

Free gift, yay! (Updated)

So, I finally had the opportunity to get together with Heather for more than five minutes (we'd only met once before today) and she was kind enough to bring me a copy of Mother Wove the Morning. I've been meaning to get this book for ages.

I know what I'm doing tomorrow! Woo hoo!

UPDATE:
Wow, that book is so much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason.  Granted, it's the content of a 90 minute play, but for some reason I was expecting it to be longer and I read it within about an hour.

It left me wanting so much more, in a very good way.  I wanted it to go on I wanted to hear more stories, more women's voices.  Some of the stories given are heartbreaking, some make you smile.  All of them are beautiful.  They illustrate--sometimes just too well--how much we have lost our Mother, and how much we need her and what Her absence has done to us.

Dryad is sending me the DVD soon (which I'll have to send on back to its original owner!) which is very exciting.  I can't wait to see it.  So yes, I highly recommend this book!

"Awake and Arise": a feminist anthem - Updated

Cross-posted to WAVE (Women Advocating for Voice and Equality).

A week or two ago I was driving home from somewhere or other and thinking about something I wrote in my angry post:

It's time for us to "arise from the dust, my sisters, and be women, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that we may not remain in captivity." Indeed, "Awake, my sisters; put on our armor of righteousness.  Shake off the chains with which we are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust."  (Likened from 2 Nephi 1:21, 23)

I started humming and in a few minutes I had the rough idea for what turned into an anthem.  I could hear a snappy, staccato rhythm and a unison chorus of women's voices.

Detail from "The Awakening" ©Jonathon Earl Bowser

Awake and arise, my sisters,
Awake and arise, my friends!
Arise from the dust (Come shake off your dust?)
For labor we must.
It's time for our work to begin.

Awake and arise, my sisters,
Awake and arise, my friends!
Let's cast off the chains
Of heartache and shame
It's time for oppression to end.

Awake and arise, my sisters.
Awake and arise, brethren.
Like forests we stand
Across every land
United as women and men.

Other ideas came and went and were written down and altered, and while [I think] they're [mostly] great, they're just one woman's perspective.  My vision for this anthem is 7-12 verses (they're short after all) encompassing a much broader and more inclusive scope.  I'd like to have a variety of experiences, perspectives and subjects covered.  I want there to be something that just about everyone can identify with as a call to action in life.

So I'm opening it up to the audience!  Compose your own verse(s) and submit them for consideration.

• Meter: 87558
• Rhyme scheme: ABCCB
• Basic tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFaJeIgmVt4
• The first two lines don't have to be the same as the verses above 

Updated dates: Submissions are open until October 7th.  I'll be deciding on the final draft with a preselected committee and announce a decision Friday, October 14th.  Winners will get co-authorship credit and the opportunity to participate in later recording, if desired.  Submissions will be accepted at likeuntoeve (at) gmail (dot) com.

Sorry, gotta go off-topic for a minute

I gotta say it somewhere.  Pardon my French, but...

CANCER SUCKS.

It sucks for everyone.  It sucks for the person with cancer and it sucks for the people taking care of them.  It sucks for friends who feels powerless to do anything.  It sucks for family members who have to watch their loved one fight it.

Treatment sucks.

Doctor visits suck.

Side effects suck BIG. TIME.

I hate cancer.  I hate what fighting it is doing to my mother.  I hate what the stress is doing to my family and myself.  I hate that I'm probably going to lose my Mommy years earlier than I thought.  I HATE that whatever there is about me that leaves me single means that--with no one currently on the horizon--I may eventually only have my mother with me in spirit when/if I do get married.  I hate that because I've long felt like the one between my sister and I whose "job" it was to give our parents granddaughters (since she has all boys), now that my sister is having a girl, if I am totally honest, I feel like I have failed my Mom because my sister "had" to take over that duty.  (I know that's probably not the case and I've taken it all on myself, but that's my reality nevertheless.)

I can't/won't drop the F-bomb myself ("sucks" is an evolution in vocabulary for me) so I'm going to let XKCD do it for me.  (A worthwhile look even if profanity offends you.  Choose to get over it for two minutes and click the link.  Believe me: the profanity applies.)

Cancer. Sucks.

A Sunday at Heart to Heart Ministries

I can be such a lazy blogger.  I've been meaning to write this post for three weeks now.

The first Sunday for this month, I went to hear a friend sing at the Sunday service held at a local interfaith spiritual center.  All kinds were there: Christians, Jews, Pagans, Buddhists, etc.  Everyone was just there to hear something uplifting and be in a community with other spiritual people.  It was a lot like Relief Society, actually; joyful, friendly, chatty, fun, easy-going, emotional, and hilarious, with twenty-seven women to three men in attendance.  (If your Relief Society doesn't sound like that--men aside--I am so sorry and I sincerely hope things liven up soon.)

It was the first time in my life I really realized that our meetings can be extremely boring.

I've been to Pentecostal services a couple of times and have observed how very much more lively those are than your average Mormon service.  However, I find they have their own brand of boring for me.  (I find praise music really repetitive and after the fifth or sixth go-round of "Holy, holy, holy" I'm kind of done.  I'm also not a big fan of electric guitars and keyboards for accompaniment in a worship service.  It works for some people but not for me.)  That being said, I'm now going to totally contradict myself and say how much I enjoyed having homemade percussion instruments (plastic bottles of rice and such) and singing popular inspirational songs.  Maybe it's because it was having "audience" participation in the music making or that I felt that the songs contained messages for living life rather than just giving repetitious praise.  Maybe it's my personal evolution.  I don't know, but the music aspect was less repetitious than a Pentecostal service, and more make-the-every-day-sacred than an LDS one.

Not sung while I was there, but I had to take a picture.

There were four ministers, and all of them are women.  That was a somewhat new experience, though the energy and atmosphere they brought was very familiar from my Relief Society experience.  They even had and exchange of what my ward calls a "good news minute", thought they called it "one minute miracles."  The big difference there was that they took about fifteen to twenty minutes to share these, where we usually try to keep it under five.  One minister was the primary leader of the service, with interjections and contributions from the other three from time to time.  Two of them led a guided meditation, one speaking, one playing a wood flute at the back of the room.  The primary minister then gave a sermon that spanned from the chakras (especially the "sacred heart") into giving love unconditionally, relating a gut-wrenching personal story of a tragic situation in her own family.  It was one of the best expressions on the subject I've ever heard.  After the sermon, my friend sang "I Hope You Dance".  That would never fly in a Sacrament meeting, but it was really lovely and appropriate in the setting.  We finished by standing up around the room, holding hands and singing together as a group.  Afterwards, people milled around, congratulated my friend, and mingled with one another.

It was a fascinating, juicy experience, and a nice change of pace from the so-reverent-it's-dry trap that is easy to fall into in many LDS wards.  I appreciate the need for reverence, I really do, and I tend to relate better to sacred music that's dignified and dedicated to worship, but I got more out of attending that meeting that Sunday than I've gotten out of many a Sunday where I "belong".  We need to be more like that.  We need a spiritual passion and fire and real world application that's meaningful not only to other people but to ourselves.  The fire doesn't always burn high and hot--sometimes it's barely an ember--but I think a few little injections of spirit would help people feel the Spirit a little more than maybe we do.  Let's get excited and be excited about the Gospel and God and faith and charity and good works and our divine natures.  That stuff is awesome!

Mother Fast 2: Discernment

Good morning everyone (well, it's still morning for me.)  Sorry I didn't get this up earlier than, well, now.  Welcome to any new Fasters, and many thanks to Sybil for publishing the podcast this past week.

Late reminder that this month's "purpose" is the gift of discernment: "Sensitivity to the Spirit in order to discern truth and receive inspiration, revelation, visions, dreams, and any other applicable manifestations that may come."  This is, of course, just a suggestion.  Fast for what you feel you need.

Also, here's a video I got off of someone in a Facebook group:  The Mystery Woman Of Revelation Revealed: The Name of The Holy Spirit

The woman presenting takes the view that the Holy Spirit is female and, in fact, our Heavenly Mother.  I'm still contemplating that idea, myself, but she lays out the evidence in an interesting way.  She is a bit longwinded ("Hello, Kettle, my name is Pot") and repetitious, but I think its worth a view if you've got about half an hour.


Have a lovely fasting day, and as always, I'd love to hear about any of your experiences in the comments.