I need my Mother

Fairly early on in my Daughters of Mormonism episode about the Mother Fast, as part of recounting my history with the Church and my life in it, I mentioned that I was adopted at birth.  Sybil then asked if I thought part of my reasoning behind starting the Fast was because I was adopted and whether I felt like I was reaching out for that lost connection.  At the time I answered no, and I still think that answer is true (though who knows what motivations are triggered in the subconscious?  That's why it's subconscious.)  I feel far more affected by my adoption than my sister does--she forgot to even mention it to her husband until their first tithing settlement and he noticed the sealing date on her record--and while I often think about my birth mother, I truly am happy in the life and family that I have and I can't imagine a better one.  It might be a tiny contributing factor, but maybe.... there's a more obvious one.

I alluded before (is it allusion when it's pretty much straight up?) to the fact that my mother has cancer: melanoma to be precise.  And it sucks.  We've been dealing with this in some way, shape, or form for almost two years now and it's just... not getting better.  The treatments she just finished may still take another month or two to really start showing results; meanwhile her most recent scan indicated significant tumor growth since the scan that told us the cancer was back.  They're talking about radiating one of the tumors, but even then there's two more, one of which is in her lung and she has already done all of the chest radiation her body can take.  Ever.  It's no longer an option.  Neither is surgery.  Chemo isn't very effective for melanoma.  She wants to live past the time when my niece is born enough so that no one ever thinks, "It's her birthday, and this is the time we we lost her Grandma."  My niece is "due" in early-mid January.  In theory, my Mom could be gone in six months.  I wasn't thinking it could be that soon.

I need my mother.  I need my Mother.  I conceived the Fast not long after Mom and Dad told us about the cancer's return.  Maybe part of my motivation for this search for Heavenly Mother is because I can't stand the thought of losing my Mom.  We already lost her Mom when I was seven.  I lost a woman I saw as something of a second Mom in my teens.  I've never known my birth mother.

One of my best friends lost her Mom when she was a young child, only three or four years old.  I can't even imagine that kind of loss.  I can't.  Even when my Mom passes on, at least I'll be an adult.  Still, I don't know what I'll do.  I feel badly because people lose their mothers every day.  People go through this grief all the time.  I don't want to be one of them, but I will be and I don't know how I'm going to endure it.

I had planned to start saving to move into town right before we found out.  Now the idea makes me sick to my stomach.  I don't want to go away, but I need to.  My adultness needs to, and I know she understands that; but my childness needs all the time it can get with her.  And if I fail to move until after she's gone?  I'll leave my Dad alone in an empty house that he just might feel the need to sell at that point, and with it would go over two decades of memories.

My thoughts have just come to a screeching, messy stop with stuff tumbling over itself out of order and scattering across the floor.  I guess it's time to stop.  I just really... I need my Mother.  I need my Mother.

Cancer sucks.  Patriarchy sucks.  I need my Mothers.

My Preparation

Yesterday went off really well, I think.  From what I can tell from various places I've seen/heard of word of the Fast spread, I'm fairly certain there were at least a couple dozen people participating.  I never got a head count.  Part of me wants to start a Facebook page or private group, but that's for another day.  I'm not up to thinking about it right now.

As far as my experience yesterday went, it was... unusual for me.  I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, but normally when I fast, I find inspiration comes with relative ease.  I feel like I have better answers at Church, like I can think more deeply, more quickly.  Yesterday I felt... not that way.  I don't know if I felt stumped or just normal.  I know I was looking for ways and times to try and talk about Heavenly Mother, and I found virtually none except the briefest mention in a talk I gave.  Maybe that was for the best.  It would've been largely for the sake of my ego, speaking of Her, trying to make a point.  That's one of my biggest struggles, to keep my motivations as pure as possible.  It's part of why I hesitated to call this a "movement": I don't want it to be seen as some political drive rather than a collective quest for spiritual light and understanding.  However, even that is a movement, so I guess I have to call it what it is.

Anyway, there is no room for my ego in this (says the blogger...), so I feel that I have no place trying to force the issue when it doesn't come naturally or when the Spirit doesn't make it apparent.  It never felt natural, I never felt impressed to share, and as I contemplated that fact after Church, I realized that my own heart has a lot of preparation left.

I'm still afraid.  I'm still nervous.  I still doubt and question myself regularly.  Should I really be doing this?  Is it time?  Am I jumping the gun?  What if She isn't supposed to be revealed: until the end, or at all?  What if my Stake President/Bishop/Dad (who's on the High Council) finds out?  What if I'm disciplined?  Stupid things, things I shouldn't be worrying about if I have faith, and if this path is right.  Worry stresses; it doesn't help.  But this is my journey just as much as it's our journey as a people, as a church, and while my heart has been opened, there is a lot of sweeping out and reorganizing to do.

I see that as a pattern in the larger Church membership, as well, and it's hard to fight the despair.  Am I jumping the gun?  Is it too soon?  Am I too eager?  I don't believe any act of faith will diminish me personally, or anyone who participates, but there is so much work involved for this to be successful.  It's very easy to look at that mountain and feel my heart sink.  However... the only way I currently have to make that mountain move is to climb it and put it under my feet.  (Credit Cherie Call for that perspective.)  And really, who has more invested in keeping women subjugated and the Female half of the Divine Union suppressed than the Adversary?  He is the source of such fears and doubts.

I can't afford to give in to that.  I won't give in to that.  I need preparation and strength if I'm to pursue this course, seek this miracle, arise from the dust and cast off the chains with which I have been bound.