I've gone briefly "inactive" twice in my life. Both periods lasted for about six to eight weeks. That's hardly anything to some people and it really didn't feel very long at all to me, but both times it was enough to get me on the radar. I guess that speaks to people caring about me. How many people drop off the radar and no one says a peep? I'm deeply gratified and glad that people care about and want me. I know not everyone feels so blessed when their attendance wanes or stops altogether.
The past three months have been difficult. I've been to my singles ward all of three times since Mom died, including today. I only stayed for Sacrament meeting today because I had an engagement party to attend for an old friend who asked me to be her bridesmaid. I went to my sister's Ward last week, halfway across the state, to surprise her and her husband when they gave talks. I've been sort of attending church all along, though my strictitude in doing so has diminished considerably.
That doesn't mean I don't believe, though. I do.
I believe very strongly, even when I'm railing against patriarchy. I believe very strongly, even when I see malls built on the interest from investments made in part with my tithing money.* I believe very strongly, even when I feel like I can't get up in testimony meeting and proclaim my love for my Heavenly Mother and talk about how someday I believe women will see their power and authority recognized once again. I believe very strongly, even when I contemplate whether the institutional Church has lost its way, if Correlation is a form of apostasy and spiritual dictatorship, and if I really want to give my silent stamp of approval on "all of that" by continuing to show up. I believe very strongly, even when I feel disinclined toward being married in the temple, and contemplate how that meshes with elements of my Patriarchal Blessing. (Sealed? Yes. Married? That's a whole other post.)
For any and all of my weird, fringe-y diversions from what's scripted as "the Mormon norm", I still believe. It's not just my religion, it's my personal cosmology to believe that there's more than just this life, that there's something beyond death, and that an afterlife without progression is... pointless. It's my personal ethics and morality to "believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and in doing good to all" people. I see what we generally call "Mormonism" as something bigger than and encompassing Mormonism, Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Paganism, preJudaism... -ism -ism -ism... preMosiac law... prePatriarchy, back to and beyond any literal or figurative Adam and Eve. Mormonism is just a title that got slapped on it in modern times, under modern circumstances by people that hate(d) those that believe in it. What's a better term for it? Saintism? Elohimity? What can one call this tapestry that stretches back through unknown generations of exalted mortals, and spreads forward through countless more where--upon the great glowing pattern--the thread of Divine Grace spells "Love One Another"?
I don't know. I don't know what it is, but it is what I believe. That's what I hope I'll always believe, whether I sit in nature or a pew.
----------
*At least that's the source of City Creek's finances that I've heard. I could be wrong, and I welcome correction if I am. I do want to have my facts straight.
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Speaking of Christ
I've spoken a lot about Mother, about Eve, about feminism, and a little bit about gays and Paganism. I haven't spoken much about Christ, though, unless it's to rant about something being un-Christlike. (I see some irony there.)
I started this post before Christmas, and the holidays and birth (Yay, new niece!) and sickness and stress got in the way of finishing it. Also, I've just had a hard time thinking about it. I've become very disconnected in my spirituality the past several months, partially as a factor of growing pains during my expansion, but also because I stopped doing regularly a lot of the things that made me feel connected. As much as I talked and thought about simply expanding my Mormonism with Paganism rather than replacing, I made a good subconscious run at replacing and ran straight into a wall. There wasn't enough Christ in my Pagan exploration, and it left me feeling drained. Today, I feel that I have--at least--put a cork in the bottom of my spiritual bucket. For the first time in a while, it felt really good to go to church.
I believe in Christ, but I sometimes have a hard time with it, or with believing Him, believing the Gospel, believing in grace and unconditional love and Heavenly Parents and eternity and progression. This is even while I'm contemplating the merit of multiple mortal probations (reincarnation, to most people.) I guess I just get to feeling like it's too good to be true, even if I want it to be. It's too good to happen to me, so I'd better work my butt off to get a seat on the train. Or something. It's a little neurotic, a little Air, but that's me, I suppose. So, I've been contemplating grace, and it's role in the Gospel. It's huge, enormous role that we tend not to talk about because we're very focused on obeying the commandments to raise up a righteous people and following the prophet(s) because these are spiritually hazardous times. And I've been contemplating my place in the world, in the cosmos, in the everything of everything. It's been rather overwhelming, This is all while Mom's finishing radiation and I'm sick and my friends are having their various crises and doubts right along with me and... I really know how to overload myself!
Anyway, but I do believe. I do have faith. It's that faith that keeps me going, keeps me plugging along, keeps me saying, "I have no idea what's going on, but I know this must work some way or another." And today I found that the balance point--for me, as far as I can tell--is closer to home than I thought it might be. I am happy being Mormon. I am happy with the Gospel. Sure there are inequalities and policies that suck and practices that people don't like and the Church is not perfect. The Prophet and Apostles and others aren't perfect, no matter how much we think they should be. It is possible we may even be massively, horribly off-track in many ways as a people. Look at ancient Israel, or the Nephites. We're no better.. I asked myself today, though, whether I still believe Christ is at the Head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I found that my answer is yes. I still believe this Church not only bears His name, but also answers to Him. I don't know why the Church isn't going in every direction I think it could or should go, why it isn't doing the things that many people think it ought, but I also don't know why I'm not married with children right now. Actually, I do know why, but it's a very recent discovery/understanding. It took me a decade to get here, and that's just my one little life, not millions across the world. I don't know why X-Y-Z, but what I do know, as well and as deeply as I can, is that I believe in a man named Yeshua who lived some 2,000 years ago in a region not much larger than mine, on the other side of the planet. He had a beautiful, wise, contemplative mother named Mary and a gentle, just father figure named Joseph. He lived a simple and faultless life and shed his body in a horrible death upon a cross, after suffering the pains of the world in a garden, and took it up again in a tomb. He is my Savior and Redeemer, the one who teaches me how to be better than I am, and comforts me when I find that I'm still myself at the end of the day. He accepts my imperfections and teaches me to accept them too. He lives, and he appears in many ways to those who are open to seeing him. I believe I will see Him, whether in the flesh, in this life, at his Second Coming, or beyond the veil to take up my own body again someday.
There's more to the story, of course there is, but this is what important right here, in this post. Wherever else I go, whatever else I do, this is home for my heart, my faith in Christ, my belief in this Gospel, and even my dedication to this Church. It isn't perfect, not at all, but then again... it never has been, really. Comings, goings, ups, downs, and pride cycles... they have always and will always happen among the people of God. Every people. And that's okay, because that's why there's a Plan. And I can't let that go.
I started this post before Christmas, and the holidays and birth (Yay, new niece!) and sickness and stress got in the way of finishing it. Also, I've just had a hard time thinking about it. I've become very disconnected in my spirituality the past several months, partially as a factor of growing pains during my expansion, but also because I stopped doing regularly a lot of the things that made me feel connected. As much as I talked and thought about simply expanding my Mormonism with Paganism rather than replacing, I made a good subconscious run at replacing and ran straight into a wall. There wasn't enough Christ in my Pagan exploration, and it left me feeling drained. Today, I feel that I have--at least--put a cork in the bottom of my spiritual bucket. For the first time in a while, it felt really good to go to church.
I believe in Christ, but I sometimes have a hard time with it, or with believing Him, believing the Gospel, believing in grace and unconditional love and Heavenly Parents and eternity and progression. This is even while I'm contemplating the merit of multiple mortal probations (reincarnation, to most people.) I guess I just get to feeling like it's too good to be true, even if I want it to be. It's too good to happen to me, so I'd better work my butt off to get a seat on the train. Or something. It's a little neurotic, a little Air, but that's me, I suppose. So, I've been contemplating grace, and it's role in the Gospel. It's huge, enormous role that we tend not to talk about because we're very focused on obeying the commandments to raise up a righteous people and following the prophet(s) because these are spiritually hazardous times. And I've been contemplating my place in the world, in the cosmos, in the everything of everything. It's been rather overwhelming, This is all while Mom's finishing radiation and I'm sick and my friends are having their various crises and doubts right along with me and... I really know how to overload myself!
Anyway, but I do believe. I do have faith. It's that faith that keeps me going, keeps me plugging along, keeps me saying, "I have no idea what's going on, but I know this must work some way or another." And today I found that the balance point--for me, as far as I can tell--is closer to home than I thought it might be. I am happy being Mormon. I am happy with the Gospel. Sure there are inequalities and policies that suck and practices that people don't like and the Church is not perfect. The Prophet and Apostles and others aren't perfect, no matter how much we think they should be. It is possible we may even be massively, horribly off-track in many ways as a people. Look at ancient Israel, or the Nephites. We're no better.. I asked myself today, though, whether I still believe Christ is at the Head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. And I found that my answer is yes. I still believe this Church not only bears His name, but also answers to Him. I don't know why the Church isn't going in every direction I think it could or should go, why it isn't doing the things that many people think it ought, but I also don't know why I'm not married with children right now. Actually, I do know why, but it's a very recent discovery/understanding. It took me a decade to get here, and that's just my one little life, not millions across the world. I don't know why X-Y-Z, but what I do know, as well and as deeply as I can, is that I believe in a man named Yeshua who lived some 2,000 years ago in a region not much larger than mine, on the other side of the planet. He had a beautiful, wise, contemplative mother named Mary and a gentle, just father figure named Joseph. He lived a simple and faultless life and shed his body in a horrible death upon a cross, after suffering the pains of the world in a garden, and took it up again in a tomb. He is my Savior and Redeemer, the one who teaches me how to be better than I am, and comforts me when I find that I'm still myself at the end of the day. He accepts my imperfections and teaches me to accept them too. He lives, and he appears in many ways to those who are open to seeing him. I believe I will see Him, whether in the flesh, in this life, at his Second Coming, or beyond the veil to take up my own body again someday.
There's more to the story, of course there is, but this is what important right here, in this post. Wherever else I go, whatever else I do, this is home for my heart, my faith in Christ, my belief in this Gospel, and even my dedication to this Church. It isn't perfect, not at all, but then again... it never has been, really. Comings, goings, ups, downs, and pride cycles... they have always and will always happen among the people of God. Every people. And that's okay, because that's why there's a Plan. And I can't let that go.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
The Articles of Faith, revisited
Somewhat expanded and updated, per the Gospel according to Jena...
1 I believe in God and Goddess, the Eternal Parents, and in Their Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.
1 I believe in God and Goddess, the Eternal Parents, and in Their Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.
2 I believe that men and women will be punished for their own sins, not for the events in the Garden of Eden.
3 I believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all people may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.
4 I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost. (I don't have much to add there.)
5 I believe that a person must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.
6 I believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth, and that men and women are equally capable of filling these positions.
7 I believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth, and these are received through faith and the Spirit by those who believe they will receive them.
8 I believe the Bible to contain the word of God and Goddess as far as it is translated correctly; I also believe the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price to contain the word of God and Goddess. I believe that each volume of scripture has some cultural baggage attached to it, yet affirm that no baggage negates the message and power of the Gospel of Christ, or the ability of holy writ to uplift, edify, and instruct.
9 I believe all that God and Goddess have revealed, all that They do now reveal, and I believe that They will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to Their Kingdom.
10 I believe in these Last Days, that Goddess will be revealed in Her power and Her daughters shall receive Priestesshood; that Israel shall be literally gathered from all corners of the earth and the Ten Tribes restored; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.
11 I claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God and Goddess according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all people the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.
12 I believe in being subject to just and humane kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining good laws, and claim the right to protest and work to replace bad laws or rulers as necessary.
13 I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, doing good to all women and men, and advocating for the needs of the oppressed; indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul—I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things.
Friday, September 30, 2011
An extra day of prayer
I went to bed last night realizing that tomorrow starts the main body of Conference. (I consider Relief Society and Young Women's Conferences to be part of the body of General Conference, just like Priesthood Session, in spite of the week between them.) I went to bed last night praying that the veil would be lifted from Mother's face. I woke this morning to pray again for understanding to come forth this weekend. I may or may not Fast. I probably should, I just don't know if it's feasible for me today. However, I will not stop praying. (Praying is a free action. /nerd joke)
Every day, I dress to honor God. Today I will also dress to honor Goddess.
Every day, I act in and by the name of God. Today, I will also act in and by the name of Goddess, that those I encounter will feel some part of Her love. I will do what I can to fill the need for a "Mother in a Motherless house."
Every day, I carry God in the song of my heart. Today, I will also carry Goddess in the music I play and the music I sing, that Her voice might be heard in the world.
I give thanks to God and Goddess for the inspiration for this Fast, for the growth it has brought me, and the journey I am on. I give thanks for the people with me on this journey and their kind words and support. I pray for the courage to share it with more people I know.
My hope is high, though the voice of my faith sounds a little shaky in my own ears. I know it may not come this weekend--that ultimately, I believe it is up to our Parents' timing, no matter what skeptics and naysayers would say about patriarchy and suppression--but I do believe it will come. I just pray that if my small efforts can be worth anything this weekend, they will be.
Please pray with me today.
Every day, I dress to honor God. Today I will also dress to honor Goddess.
Every day, I act in and by the name of God. Today, I will also act in and by the name of Goddess, that those I encounter will feel some part of Her love. I will do what I can to fill the need for a "Mother in a Motherless house."
Every day, I carry God in the song of my heart. Today, I will also carry Goddess in the music I play and the music I sing, that Her voice might be heard in the world.
I give thanks to God and Goddess for the inspiration for this Fast, for the growth it has brought me, and the journey I am on. I give thanks for the people with me on this journey and their kind words and support. I pray for the courage to share it with more people I know.
My hope is high, though the voice of my faith sounds a little shaky in my own ears. I know it may not come this weekend--that ultimately, I believe it is up to our Parents' timing, no matter what skeptics and naysayers would say about patriarchy and suppression--but I do believe it will come. I just pray that if my small efforts can be worth anything this weekend, they will be.
Please pray with me today.
Monday, July 18, 2011
My Preparation
Yesterday went off really well, I think. From what I can tell from various places I've seen/heard of word of the Fast spread, I'm fairly certain there were at least a couple dozen people participating. I never got a head count. Part of me wants to start a Facebook page or private group, but that's for another day. I'm not up to thinking about it right now.
As far as my experience yesterday went, it was... unusual for me. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, but normally when I fast, I find inspiration comes with relative ease. I feel like I have better answers at Church, like I can think more deeply, more quickly. Yesterday I felt... not that way. I don't know if I felt stumped or just normal. I know I was looking for ways and times to try and talk about Heavenly Mother, and I found virtually none except the briefest mention in a talk I gave. Maybe that was for the best. It would've been largely for the sake of my ego, speaking of Her, trying to make a point. That's one of my biggest struggles, to keep my motivations as pure as possible. It's part of why I hesitated to call this a "movement": I don't want it to be seen as some political drive rather than a collective quest for spiritual light and understanding. However, even that is a movement, so I guess I have to call it what it is.
Anyway, there is no room for my ego in this (says the blogger...), so I feel that I have no place trying to force the issue when it doesn't come naturally or when the Spirit doesn't make it apparent. It never felt natural, I never felt impressed to share, and as I contemplated that fact after Church, I realized that my own heart has a lot of preparation left.
I'm still afraid. I'm still nervous. I still doubt and question myself regularly. Should I really be doing this? Is it time? Am I jumping the gun? What if She isn't supposed to be revealed: until the end, or at all? What if my Stake President/Bishop/Dad (who's on the High Council) finds out? What if I'm disciplined? Stupid things, things I shouldn't be worrying about if I have faith, and if this path is right. Worry stresses; it doesn't help. But this is my journey just as much as it's our journey as a people, as a church, and while my heart has been opened, there is a lot of sweeping out and reorganizing to do.
I see that as a pattern in the larger Church membership, as well, and it's hard to fight the despair. Am I jumping the gun? Is it too soon? Am I too eager? I don't believe any act of faith will diminish me personally, or anyone who participates, but there is so much work involved for this to be successful. It's very easy to look at that mountain and feel my heart sink. However... the only way I currently have to make that mountain move is to climb it and put it under my feet. (Credit Cherie Call for that perspective.) And really, who has more invested in keeping women subjugated and the Female half of the Divine Union suppressed than the Adversary? He is the source of such fears and doubts.
I can't afford to give in to that. I won't give in to that. I need preparation and strength if I'm to pursue this course, seek this miracle, arise from the dust and cast off the chains with which I have been bound.
As far as my experience yesterday went, it was... unusual for me. I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, but normally when I fast, I find inspiration comes with relative ease. I feel like I have better answers at Church, like I can think more deeply, more quickly. Yesterday I felt... not that way. I don't know if I felt stumped or just normal. I know I was looking for ways and times to try and talk about Heavenly Mother, and I found virtually none except the briefest mention in a talk I gave. Maybe that was for the best. It would've been largely for the sake of my ego, speaking of Her, trying to make a point. That's one of my biggest struggles, to keep my motivations as pure as possible. It's part of why I hesitated to call this a "movement": I don't want it to be seen as some political drive rather than a collective quest for spiritual light and understanding. However, even that is a movement, so I guess I have to call it what it is.
Anyway, there is no room for my ego in this (says the blogger...), so I feel that I have no place trying to force the issue when it doesn't come naturally or when the Spirit doesn't make it apparent. It never felt natural, I never felt impressed to share, and as I contemplated that fact after Church, I realized that my own heart has a lot of preparation left.
I'm still afraid. I'm still nervous. I still doubt and question myself regularly. Should I really be doing this? Is it time? Am I jumping the gun? What if She isn't supposed to be revealed: until the end, or at all? What if my Stake President/Bishop/Dad (who's on the High Council) finds out? What if I'm disciplined? Stupid things, things I shouldn't be worrying about if I have faith, and if this path is right. Worry stresses; it doesn't help. But this is my journey just as much as it's our journey as a people, as a church, and while my heart has been opened, there is a lot of sweeping out and reorganizing to do.
I see that as a pattern in the larger Church membership, as well, and it's hard to fight the despair. Am I jumping the gun? Is it too soon? Am I too eager? I don't believe any act of faith will diminish me personally, or anyone who participates, but there is so much work involved for this to be successful. It's very easy to look at that mountain and feel my heart sink. However... the only way I currently have to make that mountain move is to climb it and put it under my feet. (Credit Cherie Call for that perspective.) And really, who has more invested in keeping women subjugated and the Female half of the Divine Union suppressed than the Adversary? He is the source of such fears and doubts.
I can't afford to give in to that. I won't give in to that. I need preparation and strength if I'm to pursue this course, seek this miracle, arise from the dust and cast off the chains with which I have been bound.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Miracles
Totally ripping this off the Bible Dictionary. Emphases and interpolations mine, etc etc.
Miracles
An important element in the work of Jesus Christ, being not only divine
acts, but forming also a part of the divine teaching. Christianity is
founded on the greatest of all miracles, the resurrection of our Lord.
If that be admitted, other miracles cease to be improbable [including the coming forth of revelation on Heavenly Mother.] Miracles
should not be regarded as deviations from the ordinary course of nature
so much as manifestations of divine or spiritual power. Some lower law
was in each case superseded by the action of a higher. [...] Miracles were and are a response to faith, and its
best encouragement. They were never wrought without prayer, felt need,
and faith.
[...]
Miracles are a part of the gospel of Jesus Christ. If miracles cease it is because faith has ceased. See Mark 6:5–6; Morm. 9:10–20; Ether 12:12.
*****
I hope everyone's Fast is going well today, and that our faith is strong. At the very least, I hope our desire for faith is strong. I believe everyone participating feels the need we have for this knowledge to come forth. May our hearts be prepared, and may we find those whose hearts are prepared to join their faith with ours as well.
For some excellent scriptures and hymns adapted to acknowledge both God and Goddess, Father and Mother, take a Sunday stroll over to With Your Mutual Approbation. Be strong, have faith, remember how much you are loved, and I hope everyone has a wonderful Sabbath day.
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