My Preparation

Yesterday went off really well, I think.  From what I can tell from various places I've seen/heard of word of the Fast spread, I'm fairly certain there were at least a couple dozen people participating.  I never got a head count.  Part of me wants to start a Facebook page or private group, but that's for another day.  I'm not up to thinking about it right now.

As far as my experience yesterday went, it was... unusual for me.  I don't want to sound like I'm bragging, I'm not, but normally when I fast, I find inspiration comes with relative ease.  I feel like I have better answers at Church, like I can think more deeply, more quickly.  Yesterday I felt... not that way.  I don't know if I felt stumped or just normal.  I know I was looking for ways and times to try and talk about Heavenly Mother, and I found virtually none except the briefest mention in a talk I gave.  Maybe that was for the best.  It would've been largely for the sake of my ego, speaking of Her, trying to make a point.  That's one of my biggest struggles, to keep my motivations as pure as possible.  It's part of why I hesitated to call this a "movement": I don't want it to be seen as some political drive rather than a collective quest for spiritual light and understanding.  However, even that is a movement, so I guess I have to call it what it is.

Anyway, there is no room for my ego in this (says the blogger...), so I feel that I have no place trying to force the issue when it doesn't come naturally or when the Spirit doesn't make it apparent.  It never felt natural, I never felt impressed to share, and as I contemplated that fact after Church, I realized that my own heart has a lot of preparation left.

I'm still afraid.  I'm still nervous.  I still doubt and question myself regularly.  Should I really be doing this?  Is it time?  Am I jumping the gun?  What if She isn't supposed to be revealed: until the end, or at all?  What if my Stake President/Bishop/Dad (who's on the High Council) finds out?  What if I'm disciplined?  Stupid things, things I shouldn't be worrying about if I have faith, and if this path is right.  Worry stresses; it doesn't help.  But this is my journey just as much as it's our journey as a people, as a church, and while my heart has been opened, there is a lot of sweeping out and reorganizing to do.

I see that as a pattern in the larger Church membership, as well, and it's hard to fight the despair.  Am I jumping the gun?  Is it too soon?  Am I too eager?  I don't believe any act of faith will diminish me personally, or anyone who participates, but there is so much work involved for this to be successful.  It's very easy to look at that mountain and feel my heart sink.  However... the only way I currently have to make that mountain move is to climb it and put it under my feet.  (Credit Cherie Call for that perspective.)  And really, who has more invested in keeping women subjugated and the Female half of the Divine Union suppressed than the Adversary?  He is the source of such fears and doubts.

I can't afford to give in to that.  I won't give in to that.  I need preparation and strength if I'm to pursue this course, seek this miracle, arise from the dust and cast off the chains with which I have been bound.