I hate nights like tonight

Nights like tonight, I hurt in my heart.  I don't know what causes it--maybe it's the funked-up-ness of my hormones, maybe it's fat, maybe it's blood sugar, maybe it's bad karma--but some days something comes along and flips my usual contented nature on its head and turns me into a pile of impotent, bottled up rage.

I fasted today for authenticity, to know myself, to know my own heart and mind, to stand up and speak up for them.  I was fine until most of the way through dinner when I suddenly freaked out about something that was really pretty minor.  It dredged up years of pain, years of resentment I've held and harbored and hid away from my family.  I was "causing drama" as my sister called it, because I was letting it out.  I hate drama.  I don't want to be a drama queen.  I take pains not to be, I take pains to be the peacemaker and the way smoother.  The family talked, I chilled out, and things went pretty much back to normal.  Then I made a joke to some friends and... their joking back just struck me in the wrong way.  It hurt.  I felt labeled, pushed and set apart from people I wanted to be closer to, people I admire and want to be more like, people whose adventurous spirits... I envy.  I felt like all the personal journeying I've been struggling with was slapped with a giant 'INVALID' stamp.

I know... I know intellectually that that is the last thing that was intended.  I know none of the injuries I've felt today was intentional.  I'm not actually being rejected.

But it feels like it.  No intellectual knowledge of good-will can stop it when I get this way.  It's short-lived, I'll be better by tomorrow, and I'll be horribly embarrassed I even posted this, but... as illogical as it is, it's my reality.  Right or wrong, I'm hurt right now.  I'm hurt, I'm sad, I'm angry, I want to fight, I want to scream, I want desperately to be understood and held and taken care of, and I have no outlet for it.  The best I have in me right now goes into not crying in a way that my family will notice, even if I can't entirely stop it.

I feel so guilty for feeling this way.  Objectively, I have no logical reason for these emotions.  I live in privilege, I have people who love me, and more blessings than I can count.  My life is good and I have so much to be grateful for... but this is--as a friend once so wisely put it--not such a great day in the life of me, and I can't decide if I need to just suck it up and shut up because I am wrong/spoiled/being melodramatic, or if I have just as much right to the way I feel, even if it's not PC.

I just want to be authentically MAD for once!  Maybe this is part of learning everything I fasted for and I'm currently failing.  I don't know, but I just want to be mad.