Mother Fast is still going, I promise

I often describe an event earlier in my life as having "taken the wind out of my sails".  It was a heart-breaking incident that caused me to lose all forward momentum in my life and toward a goal.  I redirected my course and found what I needed, more than I had imagined, and for that I'm grateful virtually every day.  Still, I lost propulsion, lost power.

Looking at the past year of my life and the deceleration I've experienced again in areas I'm passionate about, I wonder if things haven't so much "taken the wind out of my sails" as "blown holes" in them.  The storms of life have ripped holes in my sails and made it difficult to make headway and steer where I want to go.   The Mother Fast has been one of the things that has suffered, I'm afraid.  Mothers have been a difficult subject for me for obvious reasons.

I have this stubborn pride thing where I don't like my motives to be... apparent... or guessable.  I don't like to be predictable.  I might fail at it, but I don't like it.  And I really hate it when I think someone might look down on me for it.  So, when I entered a time of Mothering crisis and grief in my personal life, I didn't want anyone to stumble on this venture and go "Stupid girl, she just misses her Mom and she's trying to replace her with Heavenly Mother.  Her personal struggle isn't a good enough reason to try and change the way the Church works!"

Mothers are a big thing for me, you see.  My first one gave me up for reasons unknown to me, except that a divorce was involved.  I was cared for by a foster mother for a short time before I came to my real mother.  And I grew up knowing of a Heavenly Mother, but knowing very little about her... kind of like my birth mother.  I ached for years to become a mother of many myself, and I surrounded myself with fertility and pregnancy and birth in order to be around and serve mothers.  I have mothered countless friends.  Even now, when I look at children and sometimes wonder if I really want to take that challenge on, I mainly question whether I'd really make a good mother, or if I'm too exhausted from caring for adults to have much left to dedicate to children.  Mothering matters to me, tremendously.  I don't want some monstrous, heartless, "well-meaning", self-righteous internet troll to come stamping up to the walls of my Mother shrine and graffitiing it with judgment and a conservative attitude toward upholding the traditions of patriarchy.

So I've hidden in my silence and floundered in the hurricane of my grief and confusion, the chaos that has enveloped my life for the past twelve months.  I've failed to fast so many times out of forgetfulness or neglect or just not feeling up to withholding whatever form of nourishment sustained me.  I've felt like a failure, like I wasn't doing my part in the struggle for equality and balance and hope for a better future.  I've had to be very compassionate with myself.

I'm not saying I'm ready to go roaring in, banners high, sails mended and billowing in the wind.  But I'm here, as battered by the storms as I am.  I still love my Mothers.  I need Mothers in my house, above and below, and I miss them in their absence.  Hopefully tomorrow, I'll be strong enough to fast, again.

Rumor has it women will be praying in General Conference.  That, too, gives me hope. :)

Speaking up for Mother

I recently "re"connected with an old match on a popular matchmaking site and we started emailing.  I name Mother as an important person in my life on my profile and the man in question asked me why she was there.  The following is the conversation that has gone on thus far, with some modifications and snarky running commentary from my brain.  Strap in, this is a long one after the jump.  You might want to take a potty break first.

Mother Fast 6: Moving forward

6. Collective willingness to find ways to move beyond patriarchy into more feminist and egalitarian paradigms in order to restore balance and honor the gifts of both sexes, mortal and Divine.

I don't know, I think that is pretty self-explanatory.   We all just need to move on, evolve, be better, be wiser, be kinder, be more balanced and inclusive and Christ-like.

It's a little strange to think that it has (only) been six months (already).  It seems like this Fast has been going on much longer, and yet it feels like it just began.  I've changed a lot in six months' time.  I've changed a lot in twelve months' time.  I'm a different person than I was a year ago, moreso than most years.

This blog has changed a lot in that time, too.  It started just as a place to jot down the spiritual stuff that didn't belong on my business blog.  Now I'm a practicing Pagan Mormon Feminist who publicly asks risky questions of General Authorities and fasts every month for the unveiling of Heavenly Mother.   Dang, 2011 has been a heck of a year.  I blame the Solstice Eclipse last winter.

Speaking of Solstice, this month's fast coincides with the local Pagan community's gathering.  This will be my first time being able to attend one since I first heard of them from a friend, and I'm dragging Dryad (who has an awesome new post up, which you should go read) along with me.  My hope is that it will be all Goddess-y and dance-y and inspiring and such.

Enjoy your fasting, friends and siblings!  May we each commit ourselves in the coming year to be more truly Christ-like to those around us.

Had to post it

As a woman on fire

 "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning...  The visions and blessings of old are returning, and angels are coming to visit the earth."

I felt the burning of the Spirit tonight as I found myself with the opportunity to be the voice for thousands of women.  I haven't had many experiences so forceful in my life, but there was no mistaking the Spirit when it came and moved me.

We have a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy and an assisting Regional Authority in town this weekend to change our Stake Presidency.  At the end of adult session of Conference tonight, the Seventy gave us about 5 minutes to think of "inspired questions" that he or one of the others on the stand would answer.  He told us that he has a daily opportunity to eat lunch with members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve at Church headquarters, conversing with them and that he has been on assignment with every Apostle or Prophet for the past 16 years.  He said that he would take the hard ones and the easy ones could be answered by his assistant, the Mission President, or a member of our Stake Presidency.

I knew I had to ask about Mother.


As I was waiting for our thinking time to be over, I had the whole heart racing, hands shaking, sweating Spirit prodding thing going.  I was determined to be first.  When he finally opened it, my hand shot up.  I know I wasn't first in the air, but he called me and the mic came my way.  I stood with racing heart and I asked, "As a woman, "How can I as a woman know who I'm going to become if we know so little about Heavenly Mother, and how can we learn about her?"

I don't think he quite got the eternal scope of the question--or if he did, he didn't address it that way, in my opinion--but his answer was still good.  He talked about consulting Patriarchal Blessings, reading the scriptures to familiarize myself with the voice of the Lord/Spirit, and praying (to Heavenly Father) to know more.  He also spoke about finding little packets of blessings (I liked that) along life's road that would lead and guide me in the right direction.  I was hoping for something grander, personally.  However, when I stepped back from my expectations, I found that the answer given was a confirmation of what I've done and what I'm doing, the direction I'm traveling.  Also, for those out there who may be asking and thinking they're alone, or who are afraid to ask, or who don't even know to ask, I think it was a good intro answer that--if nothing else--might open dialogue and searching.

I was in process of leaving the building after the meeting, when I got this strong feeling to go back.  I almost didn't, but the pull was so strong.  It wasn't a forceful push or a drag, it wasn't a command it was... assurance.  I walked back inside and stuck my head into the chapel.  I looked for him, didn't see him, started to leave again.  Again the feeling came, telling me to go back and keep looking.  I did, but I didn't see him, didn't see him... Finally, I saw him across the room.  Of course, there were a couple doen people chatting between us.  I made my way in his direction, trying to find a path.  I almost stopped to hug a friend of the family, but I said to myself, "No, I'm not here for that," and got through the gym to the opposite foyer.  As I went through the door and looked up, I found myself face to face with the mission president, who said mine was a very good question and shook my hand.  I nearly shook the hand of the Regional Authority but the mission president distracted him.  Just as he was turning back to me, the Seventy approached and shook my hand and thanked me for being present tonight.

I thanked him for coming and I put my hand over his.  Instantly, I began to tear up as I looked at him.  I was filled with the fire of the Spirit and the weight of women's need.  It enveloped me and seeped into me.  It fused with my being for 30 electrifying seconds.  I have felt such a sensation once before--this thick feeling of being engulfed in water but never drowning, only being pressed in upon by something omnipresent and holistic--as I entered a Celestial Room for the first time.  I stood before him, wearing an unseen mantle lent to me by the spirit of every woman who ever lived, and choked out the words, "Please... I've talked to so many women about this, and we're very concerned.  We want to know about our Mother.  Please take that back to them.  Let them know.  Please, take it back to them."

He said he would, and thanked me again.  The mantle did not lift from my being until I left the building.  I couldn't help the tears falling down my face.  It was likely confusing to those who had seen me just two minutes before going in the other direction with a smile on my face, but I had done what I needed to do.  I did it without little fear and less hesitation.  I felt the Spirit move me in ways I would not have moved myself under my own, often-timid power.


Now I pray and I hope--I desperately hope--that he felt the weight of our need, and he will take it back to the Apostles and Prophet.  I will be praying for that this week as I prepare for this month's Fast.  I will likely also go off the "planned subject schedule", personally, and go back to Fasting for our leaders' inspiration.  Now may be the right time.

May our prayers be heard and answered.

Edits: Corrections made to titles of participants.

Another look at Eden

I recently asked on a Facebook group:

I'm working on a blog post about this, so I'd love to get anyone's insights.

If matriarchy indeed preceded patriarchy, what would the Eden story have looked like from a matriarchal perspective?

Interestingly enough, this is not the post I was working on!  Not by a long shot!  That's been on the back burner for over a week.  However, I got the concept for my extremely speculative answer rather suddenly late last night/early this morning--it was such that my mind felt illuminated and engaged the entire time I was writing, as if someone had it to dictate--and I sat down for about five or six hours just now to write about five or six pages.  The result is after the jump.  It's certainly controversial in some of its elements depending on how literally one believes the Eden story, but I really enjoyed writing it.  To avoid confusion, please note that I exchanged the English "Eve" for the Hebrew "Hawwah" throughout.  "Adam" apparently is already as Hebrew as I'm going to get.

And one last thing before you go and read: I love this story.  I don't get stuff like this coming through my brain very often and I felt inspired.  Whether this is "gospel truth" or not, I don't know--none of us knows--but I feel that it could be.  It could be close to the original series of events in the Garden of Eden, as told before patriarchal culture took the Creation mythology and recorded it as we have it today.  Whether it's pure truth or pure fiction or somewhere in between, I hope this take on the story of our origins touches your heart and feeds your soul the way it did mine.

The Articles of Faith, revisited

Somewhat expanded and updated, per the Gospel according to Jena...

1 I believe in God and Goddess, the Eternal Parents, and in Their Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost.

 2 I believe that men and women will be punished for their own sins, not for the events in the Garden of Eden.

3 I believe that through the Atonement of Christ, all people may be saved, by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the Gospel.

 4 I believe that the first principles and ordinances of the Gospel are: first, Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ; second, Repentance; third, Baptism by immersion for the remission of sins; fourth, Laying on of hands for the gift of the Holy Ghost.  (I don't have much to add there.)

 5 I believe that a person must be called of God, by prophecy, and by the laying on of hands by those who are in authority, to preach the Gospel and administer in the ordinances thereof.

 6 I believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely, apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists, and so forth, and that men and women are equally capable of filling these positions.

 7 I believe in the gift of tongues, prophecy, revelation, visions, healing, interpretation of tongues, and so forth, and these are received through faith and the Spirit by those who believe they will receive them.

 8 I believe the Bible to contain the word of God and Goddess as far as it is translated correctly; I also believe the Book of Mormon, Doctrine and Covenants, and Pearl of Great Price to contain the word of God and Goddess.  I believe that each volume of scripture has some cultural baggage attached to it, yet affirm that no baggage negates the message and power of the Gospel of Christ, or the ability of holy writ to uplift, edify, and instruct.

 9 I believe all that God and Goddess have revealed, all that They do now reveal, and I  believe that They will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to Their Kingdom.

 10 I believe in these Last Days, that Goddess will be revealed in Her power and Her daughters shall receive Priestesshood; that Israel shall be literally gathered from  all corners of the earth and the Ten Tribes restored; that Zion (the New Jerusalem) will be built upon the American continent; that Christ will reign personally upon the earth; and, that the earth will be renewed and receive its paradisaical glory.

 11 I claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God and Goddess according to the dictates of my own conscience, and allow all people the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may.

 12 I believe in being subject to just and humane kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining good laws, and claim the right to protest and work to replace bad laws or rulers as necessary.

 13 I believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, doing good to all women and men, and advocating for the needs of the oppressed; indeed, I may say that I follow the admonition of Paul—I believe all things, I hope all things, I have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, I seek after these things.

Mobile moon tree

I bought this pendant some time ago from a woman, and it's been hanging around (no pun intended) my house.  I wear it occasionally, and I always feel closer to Mother when I do.  I ran across it last night as I was getting ready for bed, and decided to take it out and hang it from my rear view mirror.

Today, every time I looked at it as I drove, as I got in or out of the car, I felt a touch of something.  A connection.  I felt as though something was plugged in, a circuit was closed when I saw this reminder of Mother.  I like it.  It feels right.  It fills a space I didn't realize was vacant in that specific place in my life, and it gives me comfort in a time when I need it so desperately.

On a side note, I also listened to the latest episode of Daughters of Mormonism, "'If any of you lack Sophia': Anthroposophy and Mormonism" and it's pretty much amazing.  I'm a tad "ehhh" on a few things she says, but it's mostly slight variations of opinion and nothing I can't pass over easily in light of all the awesome information presented.  So, if you haven't, I recommend you go check it out!

I need my Mother

Fairly early on in my Daughters of Mormonism episode about the Mother Fast, as part of recounting my history with the Church and my life in it, I mentioned that I was adopted at birth.  Sybil then asked if I thought part of my reasoning behind starting the Fast was because I was adopted and whether I felt like I was reaching out for that lost connection.  At the time I answered no, and I still think that answer is true (though who knows what motivations are triggered in the subconscious?  That's why it's subconscious.)  I feel far more affected by my adoption than my sister does--she forgot to even mention it to her husband until their first tithing settlement and he noticed the sealing date on her record--and while I often think about my birth mother, I truly am happy in the life and family that I have and I can't imagine a better one.  It might be a tiny contributing factor, but maybe.... there's a more obvious one.

I alluded before (is it allusion when it's pretty much straight up?) to the fact that my mother has cancer: melanoma to be precise.  And it sucks.  We've been dealing with this in some way, shape, or form for almost two years now and it's just... not getting better.  The treatments she just finished may still take another month or two to really start showing results; meanwhile her most recent scan indicated significant tumor growth since the scan that told us the cancer was back.  They're talking about radiating one of the tumors, but even then there's two more, one of which is in her lung and she has already done all of the chest radiation her body can take.  Ever.  It's no longer an option.  Neither is surgery.  Chemo isn't very effective for melanoma.  She wants to live past the time when my niece is born enough so that no one ever thinks, "It's her birthday, and this is the time we we lost her Grandma."  My niece is "due" in early-mid January.  In theory, my Mom could be gone in six months.  I wasn't thinking it could be that soon.

I need my mother.  I need my Mother.  I conceived the Fast not long after Mom and Dad told us about the cancer's return.  Maybe part of my motivation for this search for Heavenly Mother is because I can't stand the thought of losing my Mom.  We already lost her Mom when I was seven.  I lost a woman I saw as something of a second Mom in my teens.  I've never known my birth mother.

One of my best friends lost her Mom when she was a young child, only three or four years old.  I can't even imagine that kind of loss.  I can't.  Even when my Mom passes on, at least I'll be an adult.  Still, I don't know what I'll do.  I feel badly because people lose their mothers every day.  People go through this grief all the time.  I don't want to be one of them, but I will be and I don't know how I'm going to endure it.

I had planned to start saving to move into town right before we found out.  Now the idea makes me sick to my stomach.  I don't want to go away, but I need to.  My adultness needs to, and I know she understands that; but my childness needs all the time it can get with her.  And if I fail to move until after she's gone?  I'll leave my Dad alone in an empty house that he just might feel the need to sell at that point, and with it would go over two decades of memories.

My thoughts have just come to a screeching, messy stop with stuff tumbling over itself out of order and scattering across the floor.  I guess it's time to stop.  I just really... I need my Mother.  I need my Mother.

Cancer sucks.  Patriarchy sucks.  I need my Mothers.

What if...: Wildly speculative and heretical

"What if..."

To my understanding, there are many gods, and possibly many levels of gods (as in "they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there" D&C 132: 19) on the way up to becoming a God the Father or God the Mother.  Whether there's all separate universes or if it's divvied up by planets or star systems or galaxies, I don't know--I don't wanna get into those particulars--but assuming that the whole "as man is, God once was; as God is, man may become" idea that we base a lot of our beliefs on is true, there's a truckload of deities in existence somewhere out there, here or in other realms/planes/what have you.  And we're told that once you receive your immortality after judgment, you're not going to die anymore.

But what if... we've misinterpreted or misunderstood.

I have no citations to back me up here, these are just the ideas running around in my head, but... what if the reason we don't hear about or worship Mother anymore--and haven't for thousands of years--is that... She died?  Or was killed?  We assume all gods must be good, but what if they're not?  What if the greater reality is more like the drama and warfare of the ancient pantheons, where gods and goddesses are born, live, and die or are otherwise defeated with a fair amount of regularity?  The logic of "there can be no Father without a Mother" would still hold true, because She helped create us in the past.  As far as I know, all official Mormon theology regarding Her has been strictly logical; I've never heard of a Prophet--even Joseph--specifically saying, "There is a living, embodied Goddess, too."

So what if she just isn't there anymore, and we literally cannot get in touch with her or hope to bring her back into acknowledgment in our faith?

Sometimes I deeply dislike the speculative parts of my brain.

EDIT: I feel I should clarify.  This post is not a response to the lack of Mother-ly references in General Conference.  I've had these thoughts spinning around in my head for a few weeks now, perhaps a month, and I felt the need for the cathartic purge before they could fester any more.

Yeah...--minor update

I'm a little bummed.  I was really hoping for at least a common thread or a trend, or a couple "Father and Mother"s at the very, very least.  I hear there was one "Heavenly Parents" mentioned, though it snuck past me.  (Update: Heather found it.)

Besides that--and perhaps it's the perspective I have these days as opposed to even 6-9 months ago--this Conference just seemed very... very... not for Me.  I had to dig more than usual for something that felt relevant to me and my place in life.  There was one session (Saturday afternoon?) that was about 2/3rds "MARRIAGE-BABIES-BE A MOM-FAMILY"

It made me want to flail my arms--like trying to ward off the inexorable advance of a steam roller--and scream, "I'M TRYING!!"

I know not everything is meant for everyone, and different people need different counsel, but for a rare incidence, I just didn't get a lot out of Conference.  Maybe it's my own fault.  I was distracted at various points, and I certainly was focusing a lot of energy searching for something that never came.  Maybe I'll find more when I go back and watch, listen, or read things over again.  And I will carry on with the Fast and with hoping and praying and seeking and looking forward.

Right now, I'm just bummed.

One more shot of optimism

Regendered/Inclusive Doctrine & Covenants Section 4 (with gently modernized language)

Now behold, a marvelous work and a wonder is about to come forth among the children of women.

Therefore, O you that embark in the service of Goddess and God, see that you serve them with all your heart, might, mind, and strength, that you may stand blameless before God and Goddess at the last day.

Therefore, if you have desires to serve Goddess and God you are called to the work.

For behold the field is white already to harvest; and she that thrusts in her sickle with her might, the same lays up in store that she perishes not, but brings salvation to her soul;

And faith, hope,charity and love, with an eye single to the glory of God and Goddess, qualify her for the work.

Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, sisterly kindness, godliness, chairty, humilty, diligence.

Ask, and ye shall receive; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.  Amen.

Enjoy General Conference!

An extra day of prayer

I went to bed last night realizing that tomorrow starts the main body of Conference.  (I consider Relief Society and Young Women's Conferences to be part of the body of General Conference, just like Priesthood Session, in spite of the week between them.)  I went to bed last night praying that the veil would be lifted from Mother's face.  I woke this morning to pray again for understanding to come forth this weekend.  I may or may not Fast. I probably should, I just don't know if it's feasible for me today.  However, I will not stop praying.  (Praying is a free action. /nerd joke)

Every day, I dress to honor God.  Today I will also dress to honor Goddess.

Every day, I act in and by the name of God.  Today, I will also act in and by the name of Goddess, that those I encounter will feel some part of Her love.  I will do what I can to fill the need for a "Mother in a Motherless house."

Every day, I carry God in the song of my heart.  Today, I will also carry Goddess in the music I play and the music I sing, that Her voice might be heard in the world.

I give thanks to God and Goddess for the inspiration for this Fast, for the growth it has brought me, and the journey I am on.  I give thanks for the people with me on this journey and their kind words and support.  I pray for the courage to share it with more people I know.

My hope is high, though the voice of my faith sounds a little shaky in my own ears.  I know it may not come this weekend--that ultimately, I believe it is up to our Parents' timing, no matter what skeptics and naysayers would say about patriarchy and suppression--but I do believe it will come.  I just pray that if my small efforts can be worth anything this weekend, they will be.

Please pray with me today.

Free gift, yay! (Updated)

So, I finally had the opportunity to get together with Heather for more than five minutes (we'd only met once before today) and she was kind enough to bring me a copy of Mother Wove the Morning. I've been meaning to get this book for ages.

I know what I'm doing tomorrow! Woo hoo!

UPDATE:
Wow, that book is so much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason.  Granted, it's the content of a 90 minute play, but for some reason I was expecting it to be longer and I read it within about an hour.

It left me wanting so much more, in a very good way.  I wanted it to go on I wanted to hear more stories, more women's voices.  Some of the stories given are heartbreaking, some make you smile.  All of them are beautiful.  They illustrate--sometimes just too well--how much we have lost our Mother, and how much we need her and what Her absence has done to us.

Dryad is sending me the DVD soon (which I'll have to send on back to its original owner!) which is very exciting.  I can't wait to see it.  So yes, I highly recommend this book!

Mother Fast 1: Preparation

Have you noticed the snazzy page I created to be an ongoing reminder?  It's right up there. ^  It's probably the easiest thing to link to as you share this movement with others.

Depending on how you fast, some time tonight is likely to be the beginning.  I won't dictate how anyone fasts; I just ask that in whatever manner you do it, it shows a willingness to sacrifice or set aside in favor of receiving blessings.  The amount of faith and effort we put forth will be directly proportionate to the quality of answers we receive.

Okay, enough lecture.

Suggested subject: Fast and pray primarily for the preparation of our people and our leaders to receive revelation about Heavenly Mother, and an increased desire in our hearts to know her and about her.
If you feel prompted to add something or concentrate a related subject, feel free, but as a group, I would like to focus our collective intention and faith on these things.  Please also contemplate whom you could share this movement with, who would be sympathetic and interested in participating.  We're as much missionaries to each other as we are to others.

I'd love to hear any stories and experiences you have this weekend and in the coming days, if you feel like sharing them in the comments.  Thank you in advance for your time, sacrifice, and faith!

I got so angry today (Updated)

I've finally been reading The Dance of the Dissident Daughter (If you buy, please buy via The Amethyst Network's Amazon widget), having received a distinct spiritual kick in the butt that I was haring off into the awakening adventure of mine with entirely too little preparation.  So far, I enjoy the book and it has a lot of beautiful information, it is not the end-all-be-all of this path.  However, it has begun to turn the lock.

I was driving to take care of some business in the next city over, contemplating what I'd read and my own thoughts, and I began to pray, puzzling over Why.  I usually try not to ask Why, but What Can I Learn--well before a Conference talk last year to that effect, pretty much since going through a bad relationship several years ago--but I just can't seem to escape it.  Why.  Why do we know so little about God the Mother?  We're Her children, Her daughters.  We're allowed to know a decent amount about other sacred subjects, namely everything that goes on in the temples.  The foundations are laid there for women and men to become like our Parents.  It's sacred stuff.  Is Mother, is Goddess more sacred than that?  Why?  How?  The old saw about her being too sacred to be talked about (which, incidentally, is NOT an endorsed, official position; we seem to have taken it on ourselves as a people) just doesn't stand up.

And the truth burst forth, burning from my lips like a phoenix from a cage.  "Because that's the greatest desecration of all!  It has already happened!"  She has been erased, written out, suppressed, oppressed, and the very idea of her existence ignorantly reviled for millenia, forced to submit beneath the iron fist of unrighteous patriarchy.  Throughout the centuries, mortal men undertook to squelch virtually all mention of Her, practically every hint under the umbrella of Judeo-Christian tradition, denying women equally standing and prestige in every particular of their religious, social, and cultural lives, even to the point of murder.  Can there be a more perfect example of desecration than intentional defamation and systematic annihilation?  She has already been disrespected and abused by her children.  Many who should revere Her sneer at the concept that She exists.  They fight it.  Silence can be no protection from the abuse that silence begets.

So I prayed and I pled, "Make Her known!  Bring Her forth and unveil her face!"  I quickly realized, however, that such revelation would do very little good as yet.  We, as a people, are mired in bitterness and apostasy--literally standing apart from the principle--where She is concerned, and our men are deeply affected.  The apparent imbalance in practical representation of Deity only reinforces the ideologies they've been given.  So I pled for them.  "God Almighty, open the hearts of the men.  Soften their hearts toward their Mother.  Help them to accept Her when she is revealed."  But I couldn't deny that, whether the men ever get it or not, the women have been wronged.  Deeply, horribly wronged.  We have had inferiority projected and enforced upon us.  For thousands of years, billions of men, billions of women; the lack of the Feminine Divine has wounded everyone it touches.  So I pled for justice, for some sort of restitution to be made on behalf of the hated daughters of Eve, for our abuse to end, for us to be finally seen as equals.

I rarely rail in my prayers, but today I did, shouting and weeping with indignation at the sheer injustice of what we've had thrust upon us simply because we lack a penis, because we have a womb.  It is deeply unfair, but so help me, it is not "just the way it is."  This was done intentionally, centuries ago, by men who then passed it on to not only their sons, but their daughters as well.

"TRADITIOOOOOON!"

Many of the traditions we carry are good, beneficial, and beautiful, but the erasure of Goddess and the oppression of women are not.  It's time for this to stop.  It's time for us to "arise from the dust, my sisters, and be women, and be determined in one mind and in one heart, united in all things, that we may not remain in captivity." Indeed, "Awake, my sisters; put on our armor of righteousness.  Shake off the chains with which we are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust."  (Likened from 2 Nephi 1:21, 23)  It's interesting that the above words in their original form were spoken to Laman and Lemuel as their father's dying plea for them to spiritually awaken, to be strong, to reverse direction on the dark path down which they have travelled.  Laman and Lemuel chose to be proud, to reject their traditions to the point that God lost favor with them and they lost favor with God; Women had no choice in having their rights and power stripped away by men.

The Fast begins in a few days.  I find myself approaching this even with a growing sense of the daunting task it represents.  I know this is important, this work to ask for greater light and knowledge, for the Restoration of our Goddess into the official record, not as a point of doctrine used to provide leverage in proving a moral point, or lumped in as one half of our Parents, presented only in relation to Heavenly Father, but a Divine Being in Her own right.  This work is more important than the gross majority of us realize and it cannot be accomplished without great effort.  Perhaps many of the women who read this (if they read this far) will not realize how deep that need is, and would call me subversive, blasphemous, or foolish.  I cannot blame them; I cannot hold their conditioning against them.  I've been conditioned the same way and I struggle under the same burden.

I still believe.  Deeply.  I am still strong in my faith, with a strong conviction that this Church is where I belong, that it is where the most important eternal truths and proper authority can be found.  That, however, does not negate or excuse the problems that exist because of our mortal imperfections and weaknesses.  Indeed, if we were a perfect people, we would have been taken up.  Until that happens, we still have improvements to make, things we can all learn and do better, and traditions to overcome.

*Updated to add references, clarify a few statements and make minor grammatical changes

Mother's Day every month: A fast for testimony

In the midst of this upwelling I've personally observed, this increased interest in God the Mother that seems to be gaining more momentum of late and the increasing pursuit of the Divine Feminine in Christianity over all, I've started thinking that we're possibly--even probably--being prepared to receive new revelation regarding Goddess our Mother. It has been a long time coming, as great steps forward usually are.

The Children of Israel wandered 40 years in the wilderness to begin their process from a slave mentality to that of a free people able and willing to stand on their own feet, spiritually and physically.

The lightbulb took nearly 80 years from Sir Humphry Davy's first platinum filament to Thomas Edison's long lasting filament and the revolutionary system that would make electric lighting accessible and viable for a larger scale.

The United States was approximately 300 years in the making from discovery of a new continent (attribute it to whom you will) to the Declaration of Independence. The Restoration of the fullness of the Gospel took almost the same amount of time and in almost the same time frame (using Martin Luther's 95 Theses as a landmark for the beginning of the process, though the Gutenberg Bible would be a worthy starting point as well) and required a massive shift in Western thought (the Enlightenment) to come about in the way that we know it.

If indeed, as Latter Day Saints we do "believe that [God] will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the Kingdom" it is far from unreasonable to believe that greater light and deeper knowledge are on the way. It is also reasonable, given historical precedent, that it is important for us to ask for it. Very little major revelation comes forth spontaneously. God often waits for us to show readiness, worthiness, and willingness to listen and to receive.

So. Let's ask.

What if we, as a group of Her children who yearn for knowledge of our Mother, set aside an extra "fast Sunday" every month to fast and pray for that knowledge to come? Let us pray that definitive information about Her nature and duties will be revealed; that our leaders will be inspired to ask as well, and then be given the words to speak of Her forthrightly and openly; that the veil will be lifted to reveal the face of our Goddess; that Her daughters will be given solid information about their potential in the eternities, not only as mothers, but as divine beings of power and glory. I would suggest we do this as a unit on the third Sunday of each month, to give ample time between regular Fast Sundays for "rest" and reflection, though anyone is welcome to do so as it is convenient for them. I believe the intent of joining together and proving to the Lord that we hold this matter sacred enough to sacrifice as a people and raise our voices to Him is more important than perfect synchronicity.

I know this will feel very controversial--even dangerous or blasphemous--to many of my fellow faithful members of the Church, and I very much appreciate that. I know there has been a feeling among us that we ought not to touch this subject at all, and indeed I have felt that weight very recently, myself. I would encourage us all to remember the cherished fifth verse of James chapter one (which I alter only to include us all explicitly):

If any of you lack wisdom, let him or her ask of God, who giveth to all men and women liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given them.

By application of this verse, we received knowledge of the Father and the Son, and if indeed Mother is as eternal a truth as her husband and son, we have nothing to fear from a sincere prayer for revelation. The worst we can get in response from the Lord is "Have patience, be faithful; It is not yet time for you to know." However, perhaps it is time, and He awaits our request. Study and ponder the matter in your own heart, and if you feel so inclined, I invite you to join your faith with mine and others as we seek knowledge from our God. If it is the Lord's will, He will make it know. If it is not, I do not believe He will fault us for asking.

My hope is that we will fast and pray monthly as a group for at least one year, or until our prayers are answered at an official Church-wide level such as a Conference talk by the Prophet this October or next April, or an official Proclamation or Declaration. As we take this journey together, I welcome your stories and comments.

EDIT: As this post becomes maybe less apparent as time goes on, don't forget that you can link people to the stationary Page about the Fast.

Perceptions of Deity

I'll be the first person to confess that what I'm about to say is probably not at all original in that I know there are many books out there about how we perceive Deity.  I also have to confess that I have read all of... possibly none of those books.  I keep meaning to pick up Mother Wove the Morning and The Dance of the Dissident Daughter at the recommendations of people whose opinions I respect (if only I could get them on my Kindle app...) but I just haven't, and I can't recall ever having picked up anything really but scripture and maybe Church manuals, so I'm coming here from a place of intellectually knowing I'm not alone, but never having formally seen "Oh hey, we're thinking the same thing."  I don't know why I feel the need to qualify what I'm posting with all that, but moving onward.

Growing up, I knew God was my Father and Christ was my Brother, and I knew there was a Mother in there somewhere but I didn't know anything about her except that She existed, but we're not supposed to pray to Her or really talk about her--at least those are the messages I got.  I was nine in 1991 when a particular talk was given by then-First Counselor President Hinckley regarding Heavenly Mother, so I wasn't really at an age where I was thinking too deeply about things, and certainly not up for exploring or challenging anything; it simply wasn't a manifested part of my personality at that time.  I really longed for Her, but I didn't really feel that I had any way of exploring or pushing that, and I accepted for years that I'd just have to wait to learn more, always having the belief and the faith that I would learn more as time went on.  I knew She was there, even without any idea of what to do with that knowledge.  I knew God had a physical body.  I knew God loved me.  I knew God was there for me, had expectations of me, wanted me to be obedient, but had also provided a way to make it right when I wasn't.

In spite of the intellectual knowledge, in my mind, God was somewhere up in the sky, invisible, vaporous, without any facial expression besides benevolent approval and kindliness or disappointment and disapproval.  My imagination really failed me there, coupled with a... well, a somewhat frightened unwillingness to actively entertain anything that wasn't (to me) straight down the middle of the strait and narrow.  Insert a comment about faith vs. fear here.

Since starting this blog and joining in discussions with friends about Heavenly Mother, exposure to the work of Shiloh Sophia McCloud and several other things that have come along in the past few months, I've started thinking more about our eternal and divine natures as children of deity.  Given how prominent assurances are in our teachings that we have potential to become like God ourselves, does it not seem strange that very rarely--possibly never--do I hear anyone in a Sunday School of Relief Society lesson extend that idea into "What will we be like as gods and goddesses?" and then turn it back to "Now, what do you think God is like?"  (And I know I've never heard Goddess included in a sentence like that in a lesson.)  But why not? Indeed, if a man cannot be exalted outside the everlasting covenant of marriage, would not the whole thing collapse without her? That's kind of important, don't you think?

I know some would come back with the gem "It's not critical to your salvation."  Yeah, well neither is emergency preparedness or homemaking and we spend plenty of time on expounding upon the virtues of those.  Neither is serving a full-time mission when you really break it down.  There are a lot of things that aren't "critical" to our salvation; in fact everything outside of making baptismal covenants and receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost by proper authority, repentance, and enduring to the end is outside of that "critical" realm of salvation from sin (see here, fourth paragraph.)  I would say even temple covenants aren't critical to salvation.  However, they are critical to eternal exaltation (as mentioned in the final paragraph of the previous link, and which I am separating as a concept; though they're often used interchangeably, they are not the same) and exaltation is a much broader topic than salvation, and isn't it really what we have in mind when we talk about everything else of an eternal nature in the Gospel?  So yes, I would say that knowledge of who my Mother is, what she is, and what she's like is critical to my exaltation, because She is who I am going to be.  She is my example  I deeply and sincerely love my elder Brother, Jesus, and I am grateful every day for the Atonement, and he is an excellent example in living life and serving others and getting back Home, but I am unaware of any instance of Him turning to the women, and directly saying, "Thus saith the Lady, your Mother, what kind of women ought ye to be?  Verily, even as She is."  I will follow the principles I've been given of love/charity, faith, honor, virtue, honesty, integrity, and all the rest to the ends of the Earth, but I'm aiming higher than leading a good enough life not to go to Hell, and I'd like a little more information on what I'm going to become. Yes, there will be ample time to learn in the eternities, but "if a [woman] gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through [her] diligence and obedience than another, [she] will have so much the advantage in the world to come." (D&C 130:19)

I'm getting side-tracked: back on topic.  Perceptions of Deity.  So we don't get a lot of direction or even discussion about this topic of "What are Father and Mother actually like?" and I was left with this flowing glare of white in place of bodied deities.  Problematic, to say the least.  How does one relate to that as being one's Parent?  As I've pondered the matter over the past few days, the following came to my mind.

The Gods are not blanks of "justice and/or mercy", only dealing out blessings and curses as They see fit.  Nor are they featureless or without expression, a monotone and monochromatic field of dogma-made-flesh.  They are Father and Mother, with individualities, personalities, each with their own, separate eternities of life experience, and a unified purpose to glorify and exalt their children.  Each is mighty, omnipotent, and full of love for their children and all creations Their hands have formed.  They are living, loving, intelligent beings of perfect wisdom and understanding.
I believe when they left their own mortal spheres, they yet had many things to learn, with much growth to achieve before they were prepared to be who they are now.  I infer this from the certainty that there is no one, however well-educated, who died knowing everything.  Even a Millenium of righteousness may not be sufficient to teach me how to solve Calculus, as well as to juggle (and it is my understanding that we will be otherwise engaged in proxy work, anyway) or any number of other things that I feel certain the Gods know and understand.  Improvement and progression are a process of change, a process our Parents have experienced and one through which they will guide us.
Our God, our Father has a name and a face.  Our Goddess, our Mother, has a name and a face.  Their eyes have colors, their lips have shape, their bodies have height and weight.  They have voices and favorite turns of phrase.  They each have a laugh, as glorious as the sound of sunrise.  There was a time, when they were mortal, when they had specific gifts and talents that they strove to improve and perfect.  They were us, and we can be them.
When I become Mother, when I am Lady Wisdom, when I am co-creator with my love, I will still have a name and a face.  I will still have a voice and a laugh, and ambitions and dreams.  I will still have vision of my own.  I will still be me, exalted, perfected, the achievement of my immortal potential.  I will be Goddess, too.

This knowledge helps bring Her home for me.  I can imagine her face, I can imagine her smile, I can hope I'll look like her someday.  It also brings Him home.  He loves me.  He speaks to and instructs me.  They relate to me.  They are related to me.  Their very human reality informs my testimony and my destiny, and gives me some perspective on this matter.

How deeply I wish this post wasn't so unusual.  How I wish we talked about this more.