A letter to my younger self

I went out Sunday night with my best friend to repeat a ritual we did that night ten years ago.  We drove out to the coast and prayed for our country and our fellow Americans.  This night was less grief-stricken and stunned by far, and we used the opportunity to catch up on our lives.  Before we prayed and after we prayed, we discussed the way the world was ten years ago and how it had changed.  Then we talked about what we would say to our 19 and 18 year old selves, if we were to magically run into them.  We decided to write it down.  Here's mine.

Dear younger Jena,


I am you in ten years, and I have some things to tell you.  I know you, and I know that sometimes you're very good at taking suggestions to heart, and sometimes you're very resistant; you want to make your own way and your own mistakes in certain matters.  However, this is me you're hearing from, not some random adult who has "been there".  I know you, and I know what I would have done differently.

First of all, stop worrying so much about boys.  At the very least, give it an honest try.  I know you're hormonal (even if you will not admit it) and lonely and you want to be loved, and taken in, and cherished, and move forward with the life you think you've been told you need to make.  I'm still single, and it has taken me until the past few months to be 95% okay with that.  I still want to get married and have children--throw the idea of having a dozen right out the window; you don't have the wherewithal for that--but I've spent a lot of years delaying the life I could have had as a single woman because I did not have the life I wanted as a married one.  Gavin, Troy, that Swedish dude, and whatever other silly lads you're clinging to so fervently in your heart will never, ever make you happy.  They will bring you only pain, and in fact you will largely forget about them by the time you're my age.

Speaking of forgetting, go to your doctor and get yourself on that medication you've been resisting.  Just get it over with and move on.  I've explored a lot of options in the past decade and nothing has worked.  Believe me when I say that one teeny pill in the morning when you wake up for the rest of your life is a lot easier (and less expensive!) than 20 supplements that you have to remember throughout the day "for 6-18 months".  Accept your reality, work with it, and move forward.

And for the love of yourself and all other things holy and good, lose weight!  Stop whining about feeling unattractive and do something about it!  You're about 250; I'm about 100 lbs heavier.  You have energy and tons of discretionary time.  Go to the gym.  Ride a bike.  Go back to riding horses.  (Seriously, make the time for it.  You are not "too busy", you're just too lazy.)  Take up swimming.  You are a beautiful person at any size, but if you do nothing now, you will spend most of your 20s lamenting how ugly you feel and how little attention you get from men.  Also, you'll just generally feel better and happier: truly happier and more self-confident.

Listen to your instincts more and be kind to yourself.  You have an almost limitless capacity for compassion and kindness, but you will meet (and already know) certain people whom all the love, compassion, and kindness in your heart will do nothing to save them from disaster.  You already know who they are, or you will know them when you meet them.  Love them, pray for them, but you deserve to keep your own energetic integrity of heart and spirit.  They will damage you and drain you if you let them.  You might almost marry one of them, and the trauma of that will stay with you for years.  You can say no to people, and sometimes you should.  Bry turns out okay.  He was one of the great successes of your compassion because you were proactive.

Listen to your instincts more and be passionate.  You have a rich internal life of things you want to do, things that interest you.  You won't be ready for some of them for several years yet, but keep hold of those dreams.  Those desires are good and they will add depth and beauty to your life and your faith when their time comes.  Make a better study of herbalism.  Make yourself a Wisdom in truth and not just spirit.

Listen to your instincts more and be brave.  Fear has held you back from a lot of great things.  Be more adventurous.  Cultivate more healthy friendships.  Try not to imagine that you might marry the guys, though I know that will be a challenge.  Treasure the friendships with those that build you up, and be willing to let go of the ones that break you down (see first instinct paragraph.)  There will come times when that break will steer you in the direction you need to go and you'll be healthier for it. 

The choice whether to go on a full-time mission or not is entirely yours.  I can't say what will happen if you do, because I did not.  It put me on a very different path than where I would have been, but it has also been a very good one.  I don't know how the timing would have worked out if I had gone, but the life I have is very good and I love my work.  Sometimes I wish I had gone and wonder where I'd be.  The choice is yours.  Don't let others pressure you one way or the other.  Listen to your instincts and the Spirit.

Learn how to not spend money, how to spend it wisely when you do, and how to save it.  Get a part-time job while you're in school and learn how to work for someone else, even if/when you hate it.  Take some business classes at the college.  Learn to write a business plan and implement it.  Your independence will almost certainly drive you toward self-employment.  Spend and save wisely, and any large monetary gifts should be put into savings, a Certificate of Deposit, or otherwise used only in the service of moving your life forward, rather than in maintaining the status quo.  In spite of the hassle of having to drive to the next town over--because your town won't get one until 2010--credit unions are worth the effort.  Prepare to buy a post-2000 car with high mpgs and decent cargo space in a few years.  Invest in precious metals.

Take Dead Poets Society more seriously.  Carpie diem!  Seize the day!  Make your life extraordinary!  Get an apartment with your best friend.  Save up and go on road trips.  Drive up and down the West Coast.  Drive across the country.  Go to Ireland and Europe.  See more of the world while you have the resources.  Learn to dance and to garden and to cook and keep singing.

In about seven to eight years, there will be a mole on Mom's back that will start itching a lot.  Make her take it to the doctor and have it removed early.  Listen to your instincts.

Pull back from the internet and live outside your chair.  Draw, paint, and write.  Read more.  Emerson, Thoreau, Austen, Tolkein, and Lewis.  Expand your sphere of knowledge and improve your mind.  Take up speech and debate; I know you have an aversion to it because of Ben, but he's a jerk anyway and you have a gift for expression and thinking that merits refinement.  Cultivate yourself like a garden, and start pulling down the walls that keep you secret.  You may be lonely or you may find love, but that isn't the point.  Heaven knows, that's not the point!  The point is... whether you find love or not, you have to live with yourself.  Now or later, you are your constant companion.  Make yourself the best companion you can have.

Listen to your intuition and your instincts.  Learn to work and how to manage money.  Cultivate wisdom, knowledge, and understanding.  Be insane with courage.  Explore.  Make good friends and don't be afraid to let go of ones who will hurt you.  Be prepared for heartache, because it will come and it can be horrible, but it is a vehicle for change and progression; it will help you grow and take you where you need to be.  Be kind to others and spread the love of Christ you feel within you.  I've answered Sister Fish's question for myself; I'm still here after all these years, and I'm still in love with my faith, though I've gone through a lot of changes, too.  Don't be afraid.


Don't be afraid.  You are equal to the tasks ahead of you.


Love always,
Jena, 2011


Kind of like a Matriarchal blessing from myself.  If only I could send it back.  Then again, how do you balance "What you go through makes you who you are" and "I would do anything not to have gone through that"?  Such is life, I suppose.  I should start taking my advice now before I'm 39.