Finding passion again

I went to Arizona with mixed emotions.  I was glad for an opportunity to advance my knowledge. I was grateful to Providence for dropping the means of coming into my lap by way of a new client buying a package for the exact amount I needed. I was happy to be taking a class I'd been wanting to attend for several years. This was a great thing.

I also came with some feelings of intimidation and trepidation. I've done a lot of things I "wanted to do for years" in recent times, paid for Providentially, followed my old dreams and plans to try to make them work, only to find Beijing would change when I returned home. I'd find some roadblock to stop me, and I felt stagnant and bored and directionless. I felt obliged, though, to take the class since it was paid for with an additional promise of referred clients.  This was all compounded by the fact that this was only a prerequisite course; it was only Self Care and would not allow me to practice on or teach anyone else.  The course required for that was sparsely available and would cost over $2000 to take, plus travel expenses.  For a woman feeling like she was forever destined to poverty unless she pulled off a Lizzie Bennet or Marianne Dashwood, that felt like a nearly insurmountable bit of trouble that may or may not prove to be worthwhile to her professional career.

Something changed that first day of class, though. My flesh caught on fire from the inside out. I felt the Calling in my bones, in my muscles and nerves and skin and hair.  My blood raced and I thought I shone like a candle. It seared away my stagnation. I received purpose and passion again. It was as though I could firewalk out of my skin and up to the doors of Heaven, there to be received and instructed by the hands of God Herself in this healing art.

The drive never left faded, only settled deeper, dampening into my bones, becoming one with my flesh.  I needed to know everything afresh, review material I’d known for years, soak up information I had never before received.  I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I needed to soar, the step off the dark cliff into the chasm and feel the air rush past my wings.  But how?  How could I possibly manage it?  Already deep in debt, and the next class thousands of dollars...  The next step truly would be one into the dark, into the deep.

I stepped, and found a ledge: a virtual stranger I’ve met once in my life was willing to loan me the money.  Somehow, miraculously, the money was available.  I gave thanks for her kindness and spent a week in contemplation.  Would the feeling go away?  Was this foolish?  It was a lot of money and I don’t have much of my own.  Debt can be dangerous and I don’t have a safety net.  I’m struggling to pay off my credit cards!  This is insane.  That doesn’t change the fact that I need to do it, though, and a way has been provided.

I did back off a little on the loan request, though, opting instead to seek donations from friends and family to help make up the difference.  That will make repayment more manageable for me as I work this new therapy into my spa offerings and coordinate with other care providers for referrals. This should make life a bit more manageable over the coming months. So far, I've been thrilled by the response, and I hope people will keep up the support.  Whatever it takes, though, I will be following this dream, following this path, following this new-kindled passion.

Blessed Mabon!

Or as most of us know it, Happy Autumn Equinox!

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  Favorite. Fav.or.ite.  I was Autumn one year for Halloween and I just might do it again.  (It's battling for first place with being a good fairy.  Autumn fairy? Mmm intriguing.)

Today is a balance point in the year, the time when light and dark come face to face in their seasonal dance and share a smile.  Some people see it as a dreary time of year, full of dead plants and extremes in temperature (Indian Summer to "frickin' cold!" and back again) and dwindling light and daytime hours, and school.  I had a discussion a few years back with a guy I had a crush on at the time about it.  He was of the above opinion and at first couldn't see what I love it so much.

Well.  Let us have a foray into the reasons!  (Can you tell how giddy I am today?  Oh, this is going to be a scatterbrained post, I can feel it.)

• The colors: dramatic and varied across virtually the entire spectrum, with of course an emphasis on the warm tones.
• Fruition: Autumn is a time for what has been planted to be harvested.  Literally that means an abundance (*cue angel choir* Ahhhh!) of awesome and delicious food (and PIE).  Metaphorically, it embodies someone I am constantly seeking in my life.  It's my goal.  I don't always complete things, but I'm always trying to "get where I'm going", and I'm trying to be better about manifesting (*angel choir*) my goals and desires.  ... Dude, I'm totally going to get into my workbook today!  Yes!  But first, finish the blog post...  And clear (*choir*) that off my list!
• Clearing:  Clearing is another place I struggle.  I kinda sorta maybe hoard things... a lot.  It's not quite bad enough to be on TV, but it's close.  I want to clear and be cleared--I function much better in a cleared space--I just.. struggle with it, you know?  Like the sudden urge to go buy one of these awesome brooms they sell downtown... yeah.  It must be resisted, especially since I already own one... it's just at work.
• Preparation:  Autumn's a time to harvest, finish one's work, clear the fields and prepare them for the time of rest.  It's the final stage and the first stage and another one I've struggled with.  (You'd think I'd hate a time that symbolizes all these things I have problems doing.  Apparently not!)  I've seen time and again where a little preparation ahead of time would've put me in a much better position when the time came to act, and times when having done preparation made life so much easier!  So it's a principle I love, I just need to work harder.
• Fresh pumpkin pie.  It's gonna happen this year!
• The weather.  Fog, crisp breezes, warm days, cool nights.
• Animals preparing for winter and thus out and about in search of food, like apples in my orchard.
• Orion.  I have this weird obsession with the constellation of Orion, perhaps because when I was younger, it was so easy to pick out.   Then I fell in love with archery.  Whatever it is, every year I watch for the return of Orion and revel in his presence in the sky.

So a happy, healthy, hearty Equinox to you all!  <3

Sorry, gotta go off-topic for a minute

I gotta say it somewhere.  Pardon my French, but...

CANCER SUCKS.

It sucks for everyone.  It sucks for the person with cancer and it sucks for the people taking care of them.  It sucks for friends who feels powerless to do anything.  It sucks for family members who have to watch their loved one fight it.

Treatment sucks.

Doctor visits suck.

Side effects suck BIG. TIME.

I hate cancer.  I hate what fighting it is doing to my mother.  I hate what the stress is doing to my family and myself.  I hate that I'm probably going to lose my Mommy years earlier than I thought.  I HATE that whatever there is about me that leaves me single means that--with no one currently on the horizon--I may eventually only have my mother with me in spirit when/if I do get married.  I hate that because I've long felt like the one between my sister and I whose "job" it was to give our parents granddaughters (since she has all boys), now that my sister is having a girl, if I am totally honest, I feel like I have failed my Mom because my sister "had" to take over that duty.  (I know that's probably not the case and I've taken it all on myself, but that's my reality nevertheless.)

I can't/won't drop the F-bomb myself ("sucks" is an evolution in vocabulary for me) so I'm going to let XKCD do it for me.  (A worthwhile look even if profanity offends you.  Choose to get over it for two minutes and click the link.  Believe me: the profanity applies.)

Cancer. Sucks.