Blessed Mabon!

Or as most of us know it, Happy Autumn Equinox!

Autumn is my favorite time of year.  Favorite. Fav.or.ite.  I was Autumn one year for Halloween and I just might do it again.  (It's battling for first place with being a good fairy.  Autumn fairy? Mmm intriguing.)

Today is a balance point in the year, the time when light and dark come face to face in their seasonal dance and share a smile.  Some people see it as a dreary time of year, full of dead plants and extremes in temperature (Indian Summer to "frickin' cold!" and back again) and dwindling light and daytime hours, and school.  I had a discussion a few years back with a guy I had a crush on at the time about it.  He was of the above opinion and at first couldn't see what I love it so much.

Well.  Let us have a foray into the reasons!  (Can you tell how giddy I am today?  Oh, this is going to be a scatterbrained post, I can feel it.)

• The colors: dramatic and varied across virtually the entire spectrum, with of course an emphasis on the warm tones.
• Fruition: Autumn is a time for what has been planted to be harvested.  Literally that means an abundance (*cue angel choir* Ahhhh!) of awesome and delicious food (and PIE).  Metaphorically, it embodies someone I am constantly seeking in my life.  It's my goal.  I don't always complete things, but I'm always trying to "get where I'm going", and I'm trying to be better about manifesting (*angel choir*) my goals and desires.  ... Dude, I'm totally going to get into my workbook today!  Yes!  But first, finish the blog post...  And clear (*choir*) that off my list!
• Clearing:  Clearing is another place I struggle.  I kinda sorta maybe hoard things... a lot.  It's not quite bad enough to be on TV, but it's close.  I want to clear and be cleared--I function much better in a cleared space--I just.. struggle with it, you know?  Like the sudden urge to go buy one of these awesome brooms they sell downtown... yeah.  It must be resisted, especially since I already own one... it's just at work.
• Preparation:  Autumn's a time to harvest, finish one's work, clear the fields and prepare them for the time of rest.  It's the final stage and the first stage and another one I've struggled with.  (You'd think I'd hate a time that symbolizes all these things I have problems doing.  Apparently not!)  I've seen time and again where a little preparation ahead of time would've put me in a much better position when the time came to act, and times when having done preparation made life so much easier!  So it's a principle I love, I just need to work harder.
• Fresh pumpkin pie.  It's gonna happen this year!
• The weather.  Fog, crisp breezes, warm days, cool nights.
• Animals preparing for winter and thus out and about in search of food, like apples in my orchard.
• Orion.  I have this weird obsession with the constellation of Orion, perhaps because when I was younger, it was so easy to pick out.   Then I fell in love with archery.  Whatever it is, every year I watch for the return of Orion and revel in his presence in the sky.

So a happy, healthy, hearty Equinox to you all!  <3

Transitions and dreams

A lot has changed in my life over the past three months and I feel like a ship on a strong wind.  That's a good thing, isn't it.  It means movement and progression.  It also means I don't need my anchor slowing me down.

I came back from Utah thinking I'd be really pushing forward with doulary, pregnancy massage, and infant massage.  Now I'm two months past my (already extended) deadline for turning in my CEIM packet.  I probably could throw it together and send it off this week.  I should.  I feel like that would be a wise thing to do.  It's one part of the whole, though.

I've come to a point where I'm trying desperately to simplify my life.  I work well with simplicity.  Too many things results in clutter and I get overwhelmed.  I do very well with relatively little, both in physical and mental categories.  For years I've been trying to do everything, be everything, put one egg in all my baskets and reap the benefits of diversity.  All I did was confuse and frazzle myself.  So I've given up on jewelry making, and I'm selling my tools and books.  I feel burnt out on issues of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, like I've been gleefully chasing a mirage, screaming, "I'm here, too!  Love me!  Embrace me!  I want to be a part of you!"  I want to say I just need a break, but I know that very often when I "take" a break, I really "make" a break.  Something leaves my life, other things move in and I usually move on.

So, I come to my dilemma.  I still love those things (doulary, breastfeeding, pregnancy massage, etc.) but I have come to realize that--as it was with jewelry--the amount of energy I was pouring into keeping those things in my life and trying to make something with them was not coming back to me.  I don't know if I've been "doing it wrong" or what, but the return on the resource investment was not coming back.  So I've decided to stop concentrating on them for now.  However, all my hopes, plans, and dreams have hinged on these things in one form or another for most of my adult life; whether it was my own childbearing (I honestly thought I would be married and having babies by now) or my work and career with childbearing women in massage and doulary, everything has hinged on that.  These things have been my anchor, and right now they feel like a drag.  I barely even attempt to market myself for pregnancy massage now because when it comes down to it, my strength is in relieving pain and problem solving, rather than pampering.  I know they're not mutually exclusive, but there's a line in there.

These things have been my anchor, my hope, my dream for so long... but now I feel like I have nothing.  No anchor but my hands, no hopes, no dreams, and no direction of my own.  On one hand, I want to cling to that and feel loss and wallow.  On the other, I want to just let it be what it is and let go and let the tides of life take me where they will.  I feel as though for once the destination isn't mine, it's God's, and I'm just along for the ride.  I've been on this desperate quest to fill my life, make it interesting and abundant and fulfilling... and plug up the gaping hole in what I really want because I apparently can't have it yet.  I eat, I work, I spread myself thin over a dozen different pursuits, and wear a dozen different hats to try and fill the void unfilled by a family of my own: a best friend and husband, our children, a home together.

I've been in this space so many times, I wonder if it's even worth writing a blog about; I just need to say it somewhere, let it out where someone can hear it.  No one can "fix" it; it's transition.  The only way out is on the other side.  Sympathy irritates me.  Encouragement bothers me, except from a couple select sources.  I don't want to be coddled, I just want to be heard.

***UPDATE almost two weeks later***

I'm still in transition.  Getting things said, even to myself without yet sharing this, helped me navigate the pain and move through it.  Sounds familiar!

Birth and such hasn't been really big for me lately and right now I think I'm okay with that.  I'm taking a break.  I am pruning back my options so that I can focus my energy into manifesting new growth and new life.  Now, I just need to decide what it is I want and need to manifest.  Oh the journey!

A "mission" nearly completed: Two years at the Oakland temple

I started volunteering at the Oakland Temple on May 2nd, 2009.  I had been considering it for months since my former Bishop brought several of those Endowed in to ask if we could volunteer, by request of the Temple Presidency.  I hadn't been able to at that point, but after a little time, I was free enough in my work and life schedules.

I met with President and Sister Harwood, Counselor and an Assistant to the Matron in March after meeting with my Bishop and Stake President and receiving their recommendations.  I received my official call by letter and was set apart a week or two before beginning work on the Saturday Mid shift.  I was encouraged to work every week for a little while until I felt like I had everything down.  I did, and I learned quickly.  My supervisors and coordinators seemed pleased with my work.  As a volunteer it was fairly simple, mostly directing traffic and escorting people, being a Hostess in the House of the Lord.

I spent a lot of time in the position behind the recommend desk, acting as a second or third set of eyes to be certain that no one came through without having their recommend verified, welcoming and bidding farewell to patrons coming and going, and telling them how to get to the locker rooms or waiting rooms.  Occasionally I would escort couples and those receiving their Endowments to Record Verification, until it became apparent that it just didn't work during high volume periods to have my position absent even long enough to walk someone down the hall.  As my coordinator was muddling over this, I asked why there couldn't be two sisters, since we knew when people were coming in for their live ordinances (weddings, sealings, and endowments.)  She paused and mulled that over, and soon enough a new position specific to our shift was created.  I don't know if it's still going on, but for several months, at least, it very much freed up the original post from having to chase her duties around that hallway.

I became an Ordinance Worker after about eight or nine months.  I could have started sooner but for some reason, I hesitated.  Suddenly, being able to commit to four shifts per month seemed much harder to schedule, so I doubled up and joined the PM shift, which made for two very long, wonderful days every month.  I spent a lot of time in Initiatories, sometimes ending up there three and four times in a day, all told.  I loved it.  I had time to individually work with patrons and my fellow workers, and contemplate the deep and important promises given over the course of that ceremony.  I spent a good amount of time as a follower in Endowment sessions (while trying not to doze off... it's hard for workers, too!) and the ceremonies and rituals associated with them, but I didn't do that nearly as much as Initiatories.

I confess I always hoped I would meet my husband while working at the temple, but there's really not a lot of opportunity.  The men and women rarely really cross paths except in a few places and at certain times.  Most of the brethren were old and married.  I think I met about three in my age range, and usually from a distance and with little or no time to talk.  At this point I still have one day to do it, followed by a YSA conference, but other than that, there was no such reward.  So the search continues.

Over the past two years, I have made friends with women of many ages and enjoyed myself immensely, and learned, and grew, and received insight and inspiration.  I have been a Priestess to my God.  I am heartbroken to see this time come to an end, but I need to concentrate on my business and family matters here in Sebastopol.  I cannot really afford the time or the money anymore, not at this period in my life and the world.  I am optimistic that one day I will have such an experience again; whether married or single or old, here or elsewhere, I will serve in a temple once more.

My testimony has grown tremendously, and the reasons for my lifelong love of the temple have been made clear.  Growing up, I always sought for the first instant I could see it's white edifice in the distance, and would often crane my neck around to catch the last glimpse when I'd leave.  It has been a cornerstone in my life since childhood, and I know that the ordinances performed within can be binding and eternal to those who accept them through the Holy Spirit of Promise, both living and dead.  They are not things to be taken lightly, nor shared with the world.  They are sacred, holy, personal, and pure.  I respect and honor my covenants, the ones I have made with my God and helped thousands of others make, as well.  I love the temple, and I will miss being a Hostess and a Priestess of the Most High God.