*flaps arms and hands, runs around in crazy circles*
I'M GOING TO THE CLASS IN NEW HAMPSHIRE!!! "HAMPSHIRE" IS A HARD WORD TO KEEP TYPING AS I SPAZ ACROSS THE INTERWEBS! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!
*faints!*
So excited!!!!!
Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ambition. Show all posts
Monday, October 8, 2012
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Finding passion again
I went to Arizona with mixed emotions. I was glad for an opportunity to advance my knowledge. I was grateful to Providence for dropping the means of coming into my lap by way of a new client buying a package for the exact amount I needed. I was happy to be taking a class I'd been wanting to attend for several years. This was a great thing.
I also came with some feelings of intimidation and trepidation. I've done a lot of things I "wanted to do for years" in recent times, paid for Providentially, followed my old dreams and plans to try to make them work, only to find Beijing would change when I returned home. I'd find some roadblock to stop me, and I felt stagnant and bored and directionless. I felt obliged, though, to take the class since it was paid for with an additional promise of referred clients. This was all compounded by the fact that this was only a prerequisite course; it was only Self Care and would not allow me to practice on or teach anyone else. The course required for that was sparsely available and would cost over $2000 to take, plus travel expenses. For a woman feeling like she was forever destined to poverty unless she pulled off a Lizzie Bennet or Marianne Dashwood, that felt like a nearly insurmountable bit of trouble that may or may not prove to be worthwhile to her professional career.
Something changed that first day of class, though. My flesh caught on fire from the inside out. I felt the Calling in my bones, in my muscles and nerves and skin and hair. My blood raced and I thought I shone like a candle. It seared away my stagnation. I received purpose and passion again. It was as though I could firewalk out of my skin and up to the doors of Heaven, there to be received and instructed by the hands of God Herself in this healing art.
The drive never left faded, only settled deeper, dampening into my bones, becoming one with my flesh. I needed to know everything afresh, review material I’d known for years, soak up information I had never before received. I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I needed to soar, the step off the dark cliff into the chasm and feel the air rush past my wings. But how? How could I possibly manage it? Already deep in debt, and the next class thousands of dollars... The next step truly would be one into the dark, into the deep.
I stepped, and found a ledge: a virtual stranger I’ve met once in my life was willing to loan me the money. Somehow, miraculously, the money was available. I gave thanks for her kindness and spent a week in contemplation. Would the feeling go away? Was this foolish? It was a lot of money and I don’t have much of my own. Debt can be dangerous and I don’t have a safety net. I’m struggling to pay off my credit cards! This is insane. That doesn’t change the fact that I need to do it, though, and a way has been provided.
I did back off a little on the loan request, though, opting instead to seek donations from friends and family to help make up the difference. That will make repayment more manageable for me as I work this new therapy into my spa offerings and coordinate with other care providers for referrals. This should make life a bit more manageable over the coming months. So far, I've been thrilled by the response, and I hope people will keep up the support. Whatever it takes, though, I will be following this dream, following this path, following this new-kindled passion.
I also came with some feelings of intimidation and trepidation. I've done a lot of things I "wanted to do for years" in recent times, paid for Providentially, followed my old dreams and plans to try to make them work, only to find Beijing would change when I returned home. I'd find some roadblock to stop me, and I felt stagnant and bored and directionless. I felt obliged, though, to take the class since it was paid for with an additional promise of referred clients. This was all compounded by the fact that this was only a prerequisite course; it was only Self Care and would not allow me to practice on or teach anyone else. The course required for that was sparsely available and would cost over $2000 to take, plus travel expenses. For a woman feeling like she was forever destined to poverty unless she pulled off a Lizzie Bennet or Marianne Dashwood, that felt like a nearly insurmountable bit of trouble that may or may not prove to be worthwhile to her professional career.
Something changed that first day of class, though. My flesh caught on fire from the inside out. I felt the Calling in my bones, in my muscles and nerves and skin and hair. My blood raced and I thought I shone like a candle. It seared away my stagnation. I received purpose and passion again. It was as though I could firewalk out of my skin and up to the doors of Heaven, there to be received and instructed by the hands of God Herself in this healing art.
The drive never left faded, only settled deeper, dampening into my bones, becoming one with my flesh. I needed to know everything afresh, review material I’d known for years, soak up information I had never before received. I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I needed to soar, the step off the dark cliff into the chasm and feel the air rush past my wings. But how? How could I possibly manage it? Already deep in debt, and the next class thousands of dollars... The next step truly would be one into the dark, into the deep.
I stepped, and found a ledge: a virtual stranger I’ve met once in my life was willing to loan me the money. Somehow, miraculously, the money was available. I gave thanks for her kindness and spent a week in contemplation. Would the feeling go away? Was this foolish? It was a lot of money and I don’t have much of my own. Debt can be dangerous and I don’t have a safety net. I’m struggling to pay off my credit cards! This is insane. That doesn’t change the fact that I need to do it, though, and a way has been provided.
I did back off a little on the loan request, though, opting instead to seek donations from friends and family to help make up the difference. That will make repayment more manageable for me as I work this new therapy into my spa offerings and coordinate with other care providers for referrals. This should make life a bit more manageable over the coming months. So far, I've been thrilled by the response, and I hope people will keep up the support. Whatever it takes, though, I will be following this dream, following this path, following this new-kindled passion.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Work and Glory
I'm (slowly; it's overwhelming and kicking my butt) making my way through a book called Heart of the Visionary: A Workbook to Empower Women's Work. The section about money kicks off with a poem called "Mama Goes to Market", and it has been floating around in my head for a few days. The woman is a mother and an entrepreneur, she is wise and discerning, decisive, joyful, personable, and prepared for her work. In turn, she attracts customers like herself, and merchant and buyer both are blessed with abundance by each other. This is the kind of life I want to live, to lead, and the kind of life I struggle to build.
This morning, I met the infant son of one of my chiropractors, whom she had brought to work, and he had been sleeping in a back room. There she was, working outside the home, yet mothering at the same time, just like the woman merchant in the poem.
This is a matter I've struggled with for many years. At times when my business has rebooted (practically every year...) I've told myself I'm too busy working to date... not that men have been busting down my door! Hey, it gave me an excuse (albeit potentially controversial in LDS culture) not to be getting on with the whole settle-down-and-make-babies business, since that wasn't happening anyway. I could have a reason. Well, I gave it up as a "reason" a few years ago and have grudgingly embraced that I'm just not dating and getting married and making babies. It just ain't happening. (I mean that in the present tense, not the present-future "I've made a decision that it's not what I'm going to do" sense.) It'll happen eventually, I'm confident, but for right now... nil. So, I have a job, and it's pretty much my life. It is my husband/lover and my baby all wrapped up together. I have drawn the line at two for my cat collection, so I needed something else to love and inject with my energy, clearly. And I do love my job. It is very satisfying to see someone come out of my workroom with a smile and dropped shoulders. I know that I've worked something good in them, and if I can't get the usual shot of oxytocin, I'll take that.
Thing is... it's not really a replacement or a placeholder anymore. I've been planning for years that once I get married, maybe once I'm pregnant, I'll quit my job and settle in to be a stay-at-home-mom. That's a rough goal in this area, but not impossible. And having a predictable, safe, reliable parent presence is extremely, extremely important for children; I fully embrace that truth. My hands would no longer be used to heal and help the grown, but the growing. It is a noble thing, but I have been holding back on going all-out in my business because I don't want to "get in too deep" and then have to drop it if/when I get married. Seven years later, look at all the good that did me! Way to go, self! I know we've been counseled to pursue education and careers and not count on getting married because some of us just don't, but by golly I had a written statement of intent from God in my Patriarchal Blessing! It could happen any day! Look how quickly I got engaged to my last boyfriend! (The creep.) Hope springs eternal! Any. Day.
.... Yeah. *sigh* Way to go, self. Totally smart.
Anyway, all of that rambling to say, I was thinking about the poem earlier and a scripture came to mind.
;)
This morning, I met the infant son of one of my chiropractors, whom she had brought to work, and he had been sleeping in a back room. There she was, working outside the home, yet mothering at the same time, just like the woman merchant in the poem.
This is a matter I've struggled with for many years. At times when my business has rebooted (practically every year...) I've told myself I'm too busy working to date... not that men have been busting down my door! Hey, it gave me an excuse (albeit potentially controversial in LDS culture) not to be getting on with the whole settle-down-and-make-babies business, since that wasn't happening anyway. I could have a reason. Well, I gave it up as a "reason" a few years ago and have grudgingly embraced that I'm just not dating and getting married and making babies. It just ain't happening. (I mean that in the present tense, not the present-future "I've made a decision that it's not what I'm going to do" sense.) It'll happen eventually, I'm confident, but for right now... nil. So, I have a job, and it's pretty much my life. It is my husband/lover and my baby all wrapped up together. I have drawn the line at two for my cat collection, so I needed something else to love and inject with my energy, clearly. And I do love my job. It is very satisfying to see someone come out of my workroom with a smile and dropped shoulders. I know that I've worked something good in them, and if I can't get the usual shot of oxytocin, I'll take that.
Thing is... it's not really a replacement or a placeholder anymore. I've been planning for years that once I get married, maybe once I'm pregnant, I'll quit my job and settle in to be a stay-at-home-mom. That's a rough goal in this area, but not impossible. And having a predictable, safe, reliable parent presence is extremely, extremely important for children; I fully embrace that truth. My hands would no longer be used to heal and help the grown, but the growing. It is a noble thing, but I have been holding back on going all-out in my business because I don't want to "get in too deep" and then have to drop it if/when I get married. Seven years later, look at all the good that did me! Way to go, self! I know we've been counseled to pursue education and careers and not count on getting married because some of us just don't, but by golly I had a written statement of intent from God in my Patriarchal Blessing! It could happen any day! Look how quickly I got engaged to my last boyfriend! (The creep.) Hope springs eternal! Any. Day.
.... Yeah. *sigh* Way to go, self. Totally smart.
Anyway, all of that rambling to say, I was thinking about the poem earlier and a scripture came to mind.
Moses 1:39 "For behold, this is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man [and woman.]"These are the Lord's work and glory... so what is my work? What is my glory? As I reflected on those questions, I got a lot of answers. A lot of things came to mind.
Behold! This is my work and my glory--To bring relief to the suffering and unload the burdens of the pained; To give comfort to the aching and bring joy to the sorrowed; to shelter the hurting and be a friend to those with need; to counsel the questioning and enlighten the asker.
This is my business. This is my work. This is my glory. To be wise in learning and wise in teaching, to help bring to pass the health and vitality of those under my hands.Is it the same thing we've always been told? No. Would I be okay with still working with massage and doulary and whatever else I choose after I'm a wife and mother? Heck yes. Will I find a way to make it work for me, my family, and my accountability to God? Undoubtedly. Am I a juicy woman and a liver of life?
;)
Monday, May 23, 2011
Transitions and dreams
A lot has changed in my life over the past three months and I feel like a ship on a strong wind. That's a good thing, isn't it. It means movement and progression. It also means I don't need my anchor slowing me down.
I came back from Utah thinking I'd be really pushing forward with doulary, pregnancy massage, and infant massage. Now I'm two months past my (already extended) deadline for turning in my CEIM packet. I probably could throw it together and send it off this week. I should. I feel like that would be a wise thing to do. It's one part of the whole, though.
I've come to a point where I'm trying desperately to simplify my life. I work well with simplicity. Too many things results in clutter and I get overwhelmed. I do very well with relatively little, both in physical and mental categories. For years I've been trying to do everything, be everything, put one egg in all my baskets and reap the benefits of diversity. All I did was confuse and frazzle myself. So I've given up on jewelry making, and I'm selling my tools and books. I feel burnt out on issues of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, like I've been gleefully chasing a mirage, screaming, "I'm here, too! Love me! Embrace me! I want to be a part of you!" I want to say I just need a break, but I know that very often when I "take" a break, I really "make" a break. Something leaves my life, other things move in and I usually move on.
So, I come to my dilemma. I still love those things (doulary, breastfeeding, pregnancy massage, etc.) but I have come to realize that--as it was with jewelry--the amount of energy I was pouring into keeping those things in my life and trying to make something with them was not coming back to me. I don't know if I've been "doing it wrong" or what, but the return on the resource investment was not coming back. So I've decided to stop concentrating on them for now. However, all my hopes, plans, and dreams have hinged on these things in one form or another for most of my adult life; whether it was my own childbearing (I honestly thought I would be married and having babies by now) or my work and career with childbearing women in massage and doulary, everything has hinged on that. These things have been my anchor, and right now they feel like a drag. I barely even attempt to market myself for pregnancy massage now because when it comes down to it, my strength is in relieving pain and problem solving, rather than pampering. I know they're not mutually exclusive, but there's a line in there.
These things have been my anchor, my hope, my dream for so long... but now I feel like I have nothing. No anchor but my hands, no hopes, no dreams, and no direction of my own. On one hand, I want to cling to that and feel loss and wallow. On the other, I want to just let it be what it is and let go and let the tides of life take me where they will. I feel as though for once the destination isn't mine, it's God's, and I'm just along for the ride. I've been on this desperate quest to fill my life, make it interesting and abundant and fulfilling... and plug up the gaping hole in what I really want because I apparently can't have it yet. I eat, I work, I spread myself thin over a dozen different pursuits, and wear a dozen different hats to try and fill the void unfilled by a family of my own: a best friend and husband, our children, a home together.
I've been in this space so many times, I wonder if it's even worth writing a blog about; I just need to say it somewhere, let it out where someone can hear it. No one can "fix" it; it's transition. The only way out is on the other side. Sympathy irritates me. Encouragement bothers me, except from a couple select sources. I don't want to be coddled, I just want to be heard.
***UPDATE almost two weeks later***
I'm still in transition. Getting things said, even to myself without yet sharing this, helped me navigate the pain and move through it. Sounds familiar!
Birth and such hasn't been really big for me lately and right now I think I'm okay with that. I'm taking a break. I am pruning back my options so that I can focus my energy into manifesting new growth and new life. Now, I just need to decide what it is I want and need to manifest. Oh the journey!
I came back from Utah thinking I'd be really pushing forward with doulary, pregnancy massage, and infant massage. Now I'm two months past my (already extended) deadline for turning in my CEIM packet. I probably could throw it together and send it off this week. I should. I feel like that would be a wise thing to do. It's one part of the whole, though.
I've come to a point where I'm trying desperately to simplify my life. I work well with simplicity. Too many things results in clutter and I get overwhelmed. I do very well with relatively little, both in physical and mental categories. For years I've been trying to do everything, be everything, put one egg in all my baskets and reap the benefits of diversity. All I did was confuse and frazzle myself. So I've given up on jewelry making, and I'm selling my tools and books. I feel burnt out on issues of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, like I've been gleefully chasing a mirage, screaming, "I'm here, too! Love me! Embrace me! I want to be a part of you!" I want to say I just need a break, but I know that very often when I "take" a break, I really "make" a break. Something leaves my life, other things move in and I usually move on.
So, I come to my dilemma. I still love those things (doulary, breastfeeding, pregnancy massage, etc.) but I have come to realize that--as it was with jewelry--the amount of energy I was pouring into keeping those things in my life and trying to make something with them was not coming back to me. I don't know if I've been "doing it wrong" or what, but the return on the resource investment was not coming back. So I've decided to stop concentrating on them for now. However, all my hopes, plans, and dreams have hinged on these things in one form or another for most of my adult life; whether it was my own childbearing (I honestly thought I would be married and having babies by now) or my work and career with childbearing women in massage and doulary, everything has hinged on that. These things have been my anchor, and right now they feel like a drag. I barely even attempt to market myself for pregnancy massage now because when it comes down to it, my strength is in relieving pain and problem solving, rather than pampering. I know they're not mutually exclusive, but there's a line in there.
These things have been my anchor, my hope, my dream for so long... but now I feel like I have nothing. No anchor but my hands, no hopes, no dreams, and no direction of my own. On one hand, I want to cling to that and feel loss and wallow. On the other, I want to just let it be what it is and let go and let the tides of life take me where they will. I feel as though for once the destination isn't mine, it's God's, and I'm just along for the ride. I've been on this desperate quest to fill my life, make it interesting and abundant and fulfilling... and plug up the gaping hole in what I really want because I apparently can't have it yet. I eat, I work, I spread myself thin over a dozen different pursuits, and wear a dozen different hats to try and fill the void unfilled by a family of my own: a best friend and husband, our children, a home together.
I've been in this space so many times, I wonder if it's even worth writing a blog about; I just need to say it somewhere, let it out where someone can hear it. No one can "fix" it; it's transition. The only way out is on the other side. Sympathy irritates me. Encouragement bothers me, except from a couple select sources. I don't want to be coddled, I just want to be heard.
***UPDATE almost two weeks later***
I'm still in transition. Getting things said, even to myself without yet sharing this, helped me navigate the pain and move through it. Sounds familiar!
Birth and such hasn't been really big for me lately and right now I think I'm okay with that. I'm taking a break. I am pruning back my options so that I can focus my energy into manifesting new growth and new life. Now, I just need to decide what it is I want and need to manifest. Oh the journey!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Mortal Ambitions
I know our time here is limited, and we must at times forego the good in order to choose the better or best things in life for ourselves, our families, and our faith in Christ. I feel that, having eternity, we'll have ample opportunity to do just about any righteous thing we want to do, have every righteous experience to which we aspire. Perhaps it will be even better after "this frail existence", when we are strong and whole and able to appreciate them at even deeper levels than we're currently capable, in a perfect sphere of health and awareness.
Still, I must say that I wish I hadn't dawdled the past few years of my life away in uncertainty and dwelling on what wasn't, what had been, and what might still be. If I could have the past six years of my life back, knowing what I know now, I would have worked much harder, to provide myself a chance to do at least a few of the following.
I posted on Facebook earlier:
I know I'm supposed to be a mother. I don't know what that means yet, but I have that promise, as long as I'm faithful. These ambitions are good. In time, I will either fulfill many of them on my own, or with my family. I should likely plan and aim for them on my own, and if and when a family comes, they can join in the adventure.
Part of me dislikes that I've come to this place in my life, of having to plan to just get on with it and stop watching the metaphorical door, waiting for the right man to walk through it. However, concentrating on my disliking it only wastes my time. It doesn't lead anywhere, and it stops me from pursuing more interesting things than moping and pining. Like living in a yurt. Perhaps in Alaska.
Still, I must say that I wish I hadn't dawdled the past few years of my life away in uncertainty and dwelling on what wasn't, what had been, and what might still be. If I could have the past six years of my life back, knowing what I know now, I would have worked much harder, to provide myself a chance to do at least a few of the following.
- Live in a yurt for at least a year
- Go to Ireland
- Go to Alaska, possibly live there for at least a year
- Homestead on at least one acre of open ground, or five would be even better. A horse, chickens, and a goat or two would be very nice.
- Have five children
- Sing in or with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
- Improve my fiber art skills (sewing, knitting, crocheting, spinning, weaving)
- Be a traveling doula? At least a few times, if not fully professionally. The jury is out on this one, but it's an intriguing idea.
I posted on Facebook earlier:
"I have posted other, similar thoughts lately, and been urged by others (older, more experienced) to carry on and go for it. I wish I had my lost time back, but at this point, I may yet have another year or two or more of singleness, and it would be foolish to waste it in the hopes than I'll meet Mr. Right, drop everything, and start churning out kids in a desperate rush to cling to my best fertile years. Considering that I'm fairly convinced at present that no one but God can heal my present fertility dilemmas, I should probably stop worrying about it. Does fertility decline after 35? Probably. Does pregnancy after 40 have a higher tendency for complications? Yes. Does that mean I am guaranteed a biological dead end after January 1, 2017? No. Am I likely going to face hardship, even grief? Very likely.
I know I'm supposed to be a mother. I don't know what that means yet, but I have that promise, as long as I'm faithful. These ambitions are good. In time, I will either fulfill many of them on my own, or with my family. I should likely plan and aim for them on my own, and if and when a family comes, they can join in the adventure.
Part of me dislikes that I've come to this place in my life, of having to plan to just get on with it and stop watching the metaphorical door, waiting for the right man to walk through it. However, concentrating on my disliking it only wastes my time. It doesn't lead anywhere, and it stops me from pursuing more interesting things than moping and pining. Like living in a yurt. Perhaps in Alaska.
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