Finding passion again

I went to Arizona with mixed emotions.  I was glad for an opportunity to advance my knowledge. I was grateful to Providence for dropping the means of coming into my lap by way of a new client buying a package for the exact amount I needed. I was happy to be taking a class I'd been wanting to attend for several years. This was a great thing.

I also came with some feelings of intimidation and trepidation. I've done a lot of things I "wanted to do for years" in recent times, paid for Providentially, followed my old dreams and plans to try to make them work, only to find Beijing would change when I returned home. I'd find some roadblock to stop me, and I felt stagnant and bored and directionless. I felt obliged, though, to take the class since it was paid for with an additional promise of referred clients.  This was all compounded by the fact that this was only a prerequisite course; it was only Self Care and would not allow me to practice on or teach anyone else.  The course required for that was sparsely available and would cost over $2000 to take, plus travel expenses.  For a woman feeling like she was forever destined to poverty unless she pulled off a Lizzie Bennet or Marianne Dashwood, that felt like a nearly insurmountable bit of trouble that may or may not prove to be worthwhile to her professional career.

Something changed that first day of class, though. My flesh caught on fire from the inside out. I felt the Calling in my bones, in my muscles and nerves and skin and hair.  My blood raced and I thought I shone like a candle. It seared away my stagnation. I received purpose and passion again. It was as though I could firewalk out of my skin and up to the doors of Heaven, there to be received and instructed by the hands of God Herself in this healing art.

The drive never left faded, only settled deeper, dampening into my bones, becoming one with my flesh.  I needed to know everything afresh, review material I’d known for years, soak up information I had never before received.  I wanted to dance, I wanted to sing, I needed to soar, the step off the dark cliff into the chasm and feel the air rush past my wings.  But how?  How could I possibly manage it?  Already deep in debt, and the next class thousands of dollars...  The next step truly would be one into the dark, into the deep.

I stepped, and found a ledge: a virtual stranger I’ve met once in my life was willing to loan me the money.  Somehow, miraculously, the money was available.  I gave thanks for her kindness and spent a week in contemplation.  Would the feeling go away?  Was this foolish?  It was a lot of money and I don’t have much of my own.  Debt can be dangerous and I don’t have a safety net.  I’m struggling to pay off my credit cards!  This is insane.  That doesn’t change the fact that I need to do it, though, and a way has been provided.

I did back off a little on the loan request, though, opting instead to seek donations from friends and family to help make up the difference.  That will make repayment more manageable for me as I work this new therapy into my spa offerings and coordinate with other care providers for referrals. This should make life a bit more manageable over the coming months. So far, I've been thrilled by the response, and I hope people will keep up the support.  Whatever it takes, though, I will be following this dream, following this path, following this new-kindled passion.