It's a quarter to four in the morning. I'm tired and I have work in about seven hours but I don't want to go to sleep. I haven't been wanting to sleep lately. My diet has gone to crap. I seem to be punishing my body. This is what I do to dull the pain. Some people cut, some do drugs, some drink; apparently, I stay up and eat. I know it's not healthy and it doesn't even feel good, but I can't seem to find the will to rest.
I'm tired. Generally, genuinely tired. I know I'm depressed. I'm not handling this well at all. I didn't even Facebook Fast last weekend. My life activities seem to be pulling into a singularity: Be around for Mom.
Thing is... Mom's pretty much gone. Not entirely, but she's definitely not there like she was. She takes too long to answer questions most of the time, if she answers them at all. She's begun arguing over taking medication. She barely has the energy to get herself to the bathroom. I'm going to help her shower in the morning, another reason I should be asleep instead of blogging. I want her to try medical marijuana so she'll freaking eat something. Dad and I wonder if she'll starve herself before the cancer gets her, she eats so little--not even a full glass of milk or bowl of jello or soup in a full day.
As Dad said, I don't want to pray her through the veil, but I don't want her to suffer, either. I haven't had time to release everything pent up inside of me in weeks, and my doctor is concerned about my latest blood tests. I don't have time for this, but I can't seem to stop it from happening. I've already withdrawn from most of my life for the time being. I know that's not healthy, either.
This was never covered in school.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
The prayer of a Prop 8 defector
To the Father I know, to the Mother for whom I reach, to the Savior I accept, I send these words.
Thank you sincerely for the wonderful people you've put into my path. My friends, my neighbors, my brother: for each and every one I thank you, and their reflections of your love in my life. Thank you for my loving brother, for his awesome husband, and for all those who have supported, loved, and accepted them through all these years that my family foolishly did not, and when I was too afraid to stand up for them. Grant me the courage to ask their stories, to know them better, and to accept them completely.
Forgive me of my blind acceptance of the status quo. Forgive me my pious bigotry and loving ignorance, the walls behind which I hid and believed they preserved the purity of my soul. I didn't understand that those walls were built of dross, built to be burned in the refiner's fire, burned to reveal to me the true nature of your love. Forgive me for not listening to my inner voice that dared to disagree.
Help my parents understand. Help them be at peace. Help their friends at church understand. Shield them from feeling the shame of a "wayward" daughter. They've done nothing but try to honor and obey your commands in the way that they've understood. Help them honor any courage I display with my convictions, even if they don't agree with me.
Grant me the grace to make my case with calm and peace, Christ-like love and compassion. Help my mind to be clear, that I may discern as pure a Truth as is possible for my mortal mind to comprehend. Help my heart to grow to encompass all the human family that I may be more like you.
Thank you for your loving kindness. May we understand you more fully in our hearts and in our Church and in our lives. This I pray in the name of the Savior.
Amen.
...and a little woman.
P.S.: My readers here on Earth should go read this op-ed by Brad Carmack that was publish in the Salt Lake Tribune today. It is quite excellent on this subject, and it gave me the little nudge I needed to finish this post after shelving it for several weeks.
Thank you sincerely for the wonderful people you've put into my path. My friends, my neighbors, my brother: for each and every one I thank you, and their reflections of your love in my life. Thank you for my loving brother, for his awesome husband, and for all those who have supported, loved, and accepted them through all these years that my family foolishly did not, and when I was too afraid to stand up for them. Grant me the courage to ask their stories, to know them better, and to accept them completely.
Forgive me of my blind acceptance of the status quo. Forgive me my pious bigotry and loving ignorance, the walls behind which I hid and believed they preserved the purity of my soul. I didn't understand that those walls were built of dross, built to be burned in the refiner's fire, burned to reveal to me the true nature of your love. Forgive me for not listening to my inner voice that dared to disagree.
Help my parents understand. Help them be at peace. Help their friends at church understand. Shield them from feeling the shame of a "wayward" daughter. They've done nothing but try to honor and obey your commands in the way that they've understood. Help them honor any courage I display with my convictions, even if they don't agree with me.
Grant me the grace to make my case with calm and peace, Christ-like love and compassion. Help my mind to be clear, that I may discern as pure a Truth as is possible for my mortal mind to comprehend. Help my heart to grow to encompass all the human family that I may be more like you.
Thank you for your loving kindness. May we understand you more fully in our hearts and in our Church and in our lives. This I pray in the name of the Savior.
Amen.
...and a little woman.
P.S.: My readers here on Earth should go read this op-ed by Brad Carmack that was publish in the Salt Lake Tribune today. It is quite excellent on this subject, and it gave me the little nudge I needed to finish this post after shelving it for several weeks.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Speaking up for Mother
I recently "re"connected with an old match on a popular matchmaking site and we started emailing. I name Mother as an important person in my life on my profile and the man in question asked me why she was there. The following is the conversation that has gone on thus far, with some modifications and snarky running commentary from my brain. Strap in, this is a long one after the jump. You might want to take a potty break first.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I want the Priesthood, too.
And shouldn't I?
Boys are raised in the Church to want it. To aspire to it. To expect it. They are expected to live in such a way that they have it conferred upon them at the age of twelve so that they can begin to administer and serve. That expectation, that aspiration is considered a wonderful thing, a great thing. Not a sin, not a power grab, not an itching to rule the world or exercise rule over others. In fact, I'm not aware of any time when that's an idea ever put out in the open. And yet, adult women who want as much (or more) authority as a pubescent boy are cast as unfaithful villains instead of anxious workers in the cause of Christ.
What?
I was listening to a Mormon Stories episode on the way to the temple earlier today. The interview featured the man who started Agitating Faithfully, Dane Laverty, a site that collects names of women and men who support the implementation of gender equality in the Church. Dane said something that really struck me as he was describing the inspiration for the site name. The context begins about 28:39 and he rambles for a bit, but then he says this:
But how many would cheer? How many would offer their heads to have hands laid upon them? How many are prepared to receive, when we put so much emphasis on it being wrong to even want the Priesthood because we are women? I do believe it will happen, I believe it will happen in my lifetime, even if I have to live to the age of 100 to see it. I believe it just as much and as surely as I believe we will learn more about Mother, but as a people, we must be prepared to receive, and I feel that we generally are not. We have shot ourselves in the foot by insisting that we don't care about or want these things. We are limiting the spirit of revelation in the name of conservation.
A quick sampling of things I've commonly heard about women not having Priesthood, generally from women...
It's so much more work! Why would you/we want that?
--Why do the men want it? Don't many hands make light work? Is our only work really only supposed to be among our husbands and children? I'm off the hook! Awesome! ...except that I want to serve. In the past several years, there have been numerous Conference talks praising the sisters for their hard work and encouraging them to greater heights of service. I've heard many women groaning under the strain, though. There's only so far people can be encouraged before there's nothing else they can do. If the Priesthood gives power to do the work of the Gospel more effectively, it would be a mercy and a help to everyone to ordain women.
I hold the Priesthood when I hug/dance with my husband.
--You married the physical embodiment of the Power of God?! Holy crap! Oh, you meant that you married a person who has been ordained to the Priesthood. Gotcha. Wouldn't it be nice if your husband could say the same thing, though? Also, once again, this is discriminatory. I, as an unmarried woman with no children, don't have the option of hugging a husband. Eventually, I won't have the option of hugging my father, either. Please stop using such an exclusive platitude. It gives no value or power at all to women like me.
Women don't miss out on any of the blessings of the Priesthood.
--This has always required considerable mental gymnastics for me, even years before I considered myself a feminist, but I went with it for a long time. I mean, the absence of a worthy Priesthood holder can be circumvented if necessary; I've done it, but how many women (or children) know how to do it? It isn't something you'll find in a lesson manual. What if circumvention was unnecessary because women and girls received ordination and advancement just like men?
Even if we don't miss out on any blessings, saying so would come off in a much more genuine way if we also didn't miss out on the cultural benefits and respect that come with administration and authority that men enjoy while they're about the same Work women are.
I know that there are many women out there who genuinely don't want to be ordained and that's okay. For most of my life, I didn't either. It wasn't until I realized that ordination made sense to me that I said "Okay, I understand. Yes, we should be ordained." That wasn't even until after working in the temple. I wish I had understood better during my time there that the day I was Endowed, I left with the same Priesthood potential as any man, short only the formality of laying on hands. I held and exercised religious authority there to perform ordinances. I wielded Priesthood, as do tens of thousands of women working in temples worldwide, and the Church hasn't collapsed; in fact, it relies on female Priesthood users to do proxy work for the dead. The only difference is that it doesn't happen outside the temple in every day life to do the work of living.
Why?
I want to serve. I want to work. I want authority and power to be more effective in the Church and in living the Gospel and to be taken seriously. This is my little agitation. This is my Yea vote. This is my siding with women and men to whom ordination for all worthy Saints makes sense. I also want the Priesthood.
(Happy Mother Fast Day!)
Boys are raised in the Church to want it. To aspire to it. To expect it. They are expected to live in such a way that they have it conferred upon them at the age of twelve so that they can begin to administer and serve. That expectation, that aspiration is considered a wonderful thing, a great thing. Not a sin, not a power grab, not an itching to rule the world or exercise rule over others. In fact, I'm not aware of any time when that's an idea ever put out in the open. And yet, adult women who want as much (or more) authority as a pubescent boy are cast as unfaithful villains instead of anxious workers in the cause of Christ.
What?
I was listening to a Mormon Stories episode on the way to the temple earlier today. The interview featured the man who started Agitating Faithfully, Dane Laverty, a site that collects names of women and men who support the implementation of gender equality in the Church. Dane said something that really struck me as he was describing the inspiration for the site name. The context begins about 28:39 and he rambles for a bit, but then he says this:
[President Hinckley's] response wasn't, "We don't have revelation for that." His response wasn't, "The doctrines prevent that from happening." His response was just, "We don't hear anyone in the Church asking. We don't hear any movement in the Church for women to be priests." And so the way I read that is, "Yes, we'd be more than happy if we found the need for women to be priests, if we found that there was a desire out there for women to be priests, that's something that could happen; but we're not seeing that desire, so it's just not an issue that we're going to address right now."And he's right, in a way. Granted, President Hinckley was an extremely shrewd media personality, and the way he answers moves all responsibility for the inequality to the membership, rather than the leadership. I will let my readers think of that what they will and move on. There isn't agitation, or at least not very much. There is anti-agitation, as with so much about the Church, the large and disapproving fraction of the population who insists on things the way they are and that they're perfect and wonderful and we shouldn't want one thing that the Lord doesn't hand down to us from the Throne of Heaven itself.
Doctrine and Covenants 58:26 For it is not meet that I should command in all things; for s/he who is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and an unwise servant; wherefore s/he receiveth no rewardHm. Well, that's problematic.
So, if an Earth-rocking revelation were unveiled between 9:15 and 9:30 AM PDT by President Monson, unveiling the nature, power, and duties of Heavenly Mother, and commanding that women be ordained to the Priest(ess)hood, beginning immediately and would President Beck and her Counselors please come forward so they can be sustained and ordained... how many brethren, how many sisters would be prepared to sustain President Beck in her ordination? How many would get up and leave, and never return to the Church? It's a sobering thought.27 Verily I say, wo/men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness;
But how many would cheer? How many would offer their heads to have hands laid upon them? How many are prepared to receive, when we put so much emphasis on it being wrong to even want the Priesthood because we are women? I do believe it will happen, I believe it will happen in my lifetime, even if I have to live to the age of 100 to see it. I believe it just as much and as surely as I believe we will learn more about Mother, but as a people, we must be prepared to receive, and I feel that we generally are not. We have shot ourselves in the foot by insisting that we don't care about or want these things. We are limiting the spirit of revelation in the name of conservation.
A quick sampling of things I've commonly heard about women not having Priesthood, generally from women...
It's so much more work! Why would you/we want that?
--Why do the men want it? Don't many hands make light work? Is our only work really only supposed to be among our husbands and children? I'm off the hook! Awesome! ...except that I want to serve. In the past several years, there have been numerous Conference talks praising the sisters for their hard work and encouraging them to greater heights of service. I've heard many women groaning under the strain, though. There's only so far people can be encouraged before there's nothing else they can do. If the Priesthood gives power to do the work of the Gospel more effectively, it would be a mercy and a help to everyone to ordain women.
I hold the Priesthood when I hug/dance with my husband.
--You married the physical embodiment of the Power of God?! Holy crap! Oh, you meant that you married a person who has been ordained to the Priesthood. Gotcha. Wouldn't it be nice if your husband could say the same thing, though? Also, once again, this is discriminatory. I, as an unmarried woman with no children, don't have the option of hugging a husband. Eventually, I won't have the option of hugging my father, either. Please stop using such an exclusive platitude. It gives no value or power at all to women like me.
Women don't miss out on any of the blessings of the Priesthood.
--This has always required considerable mental gymnastics for me, even years before I considered myself a feminist, but I went with it for a long time. I mean, the absence of a worthy Priesthood holder can be circumvented if necessary; I've done it, but how many women (or children) know how to do it? It isn't something you'll find in a lesson manual. What if circumvention was unnecessary because women and girls received ordination and advancement just like men?
Even if we don't miss out on any blessings, saying so would come off in a much more genuine way if we also didn't miss out on the cultural benefits and respect that come with administration and authority that men enjoy while they're about the same Work women are.
I know that there are many women out there who genuinely don't want to be ordained and that's okay. For most of my life, I didn't either. It wasn't until I realized that ordination made sense to me that I said "Okay, I understand. Yes, we should be ordained." That wasn't even until after working in the temple. I wish I had understood better during my time there that the day I was Endowed, I left with the same Priesthood potential as any man, short only the formality of laying on hands. I held and exercised religious authority there to perform ordinances. I wielded Priesthood, as do tens of thousands of women working in temples worldwide, and the Church hasn't collapsed; in fact, it relies on female Priesthood users to do proxy work for the dead. The only difference is that it doesn't happen outside the temple in every day life to do the work of living.
Why?
I want to serve. I want to work. I want authority and power to be more effective in the Church and in living the Gospel and to be taken seriously. This is my little agitation. This is my Yea vote. This is my siding with women and men to whom ordination for all worthy Saints makes sense. I also want the Priesthood.
(Happy Mother Fast Day!)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Prepare ye the way of the Mother
Life has been a haze the past few... several months as I'm sure you've guessed if you've been following this blog. Events have been sneaking up on me a lot. With regards to this post, the most notable sneak-up has been managed by General Conference.
Yup! Only three weeks until we get another chance to hope for revelation regarding Mother. I confess, that good ol' guilt makes me wonder if the sacrifices I've scraped together in the past five months have been sufficient, if my faith and my hope have been enough. On the other hand, I'm not sure that I have that much to worry about. My fasts haven't been picture perfect by the book but I've done what I've could. I've also made many, many other sacrifices in that time, both for Mother and others of Her children. I believe that counts for something. Perhaps it counts for a great deal. I don't know. I don't know, but I hope and I have faith.
Regardless of guilty feelings and fears of inadequacies, the time is here to ramp up preparations, to increase in hope and faith, and the be strong in case the road continues on. It likely will, truth be told. This may not be the time for the Church or world as a whole (but I hope it is!) However, it's definitely time for me. It's possibly time for you. It is time to prepare a way for the Mother to approach, to come down out of the wilderness and into my heart.
Or perhaps it is time to prepare myself to go up into the wilderness and into Her heart.
The way must be prepared. How will you prepare yourself?
Yup! Only three weeks until we get another chance to hope for revelation regarding Mother. I confess, that good ol' guilt makes me wonder if the sacrifices I've scraped together in the past five months have been sufficient, if my faith and my hope have been enough. On the other hand, I'm not sure that I have that much to worry about. My fasts haven't been picture perfect by the book but I've done what I've could. I've also made many, many other sacrifices in that time, both for Mother and others of Her children. I believe that counts for something. Perhaps it counts for a great deal. I don't know. I don't know, but I hope and I have faith.
Regardless of guilty feelings and fears of inadequacies, the time is here to ramp up preparations, to increase in hope and faith, and the be strong in case the road continues on. It likely will, truth be told. This may not be the time for the Church or world as a whole (but I hope it is!) However, it's definitely time for me. It's possibly time for you. It is time to prepare a way for the Mother to approach, to come down out of the wilderness and into my heart.
Or perhaps it is time to prepare myself to go up into the wilderness and into Her heart.
The way must be prepared. How will you prepare yourself?
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I don't know what to call this post
So.... my beloved cat, Topsy, died on the First of the month. I'd had him/He'd had me since some time about 1999 or so. He was an outdoor cat, semi-feral, very friendly and sweet, though clearly with a past of having been abused by someone. Something happened to him neurologically--his body was still healthy--and he deteriorated rapidly to the point where I had to make the decision to end his suffering and have him euthanized.
As if that didn't suck enough.
Today (yesterday now... it's after midnight) the results from my Mom's latest PET scan came in. Today-today is exactly six months since I first posted about her cancer, and almost five months since musing in grief that she could be gone in six...
Now, it's everywhere. God in Heaven, it's everywhere. It's everywhere inside her. There's too many spots. It's in her bones, in her muscles, her organs... and even a tiny spot between the hemispheres of her brain. There's nothing more that can be done except to make sure she's comfortable and take as much advantage of the time we have while we can.
She has hardly gotten out of bed since Sunday morning and she has a horrible time concentrating or remembering... or communicating. She'll start to say something and stop after a few words, and just go silent. Half the time she forgets that she spoke at all. When something's really on her mind, she repeats and reaffirms it over and over again. "I'm okay." "I love you." "He [my Dad] needs to be strong." It's very similar to the way my Grandma (Dad's Mom) is now with her dementia. She has been in a care home for a year and a half now. Mom won't have that long.
The last "big" things she did on Saturday before this began was having a Five Guys burger for dinner after the PET scan (having such an appetite has been a big deal, lately) and standing by to support me as I buried Topsy in the yard. Her oncologist says she likely has months (rather than weeks and rather than years) and there's talk about bringing in Hospice soon. Hospice has been mentioned for my Grandpa as well, who's living with congestive heart failure and has been in and out of hospitals and care facilities since Christmas.
We probably won't make it over to my sister's for blessing my baby niece, so they may come here instead. If it can happen in our home ward and Mom feels up to go to Sacrament meeting, wonderful! If she doesn't, we will do it here at home.
I'm sure there's many philosophical and spiritual things to be said here about life and death, change, transition, and the eternal nature of the soul. There is. I just can't say it right now. I can't. I'm numb with spurts of anguish. I'm adjusting to the loss of my cat okay. I hope I can do comparably well for the coming loss of my Mother and Grandfather. I hope I can find or be given strength to let my Dad be weak when he needs to be weak.
Oh God, what am I going to do....
Today (yesterday now... it's after midnight) the results from my Mom's latest PET scan came in. Today-today is exactly six months since I first posted about her cancer, and almost five months since musing in grief that she could be gone in six...
Now, it's everywhere. God in Heaven, it's everywhere. It's everywhere inside her. There's too many spots. It's in her bones, in her muscles, her organs... and even a tiny spot between the hemispheres of her brain. There's nothing more that can be done except to make sure she's comfortable and take as much advantage of the time we have while we can.
She has hardly gotten out of bed since Sunday morning and she has a horrible time concentrating or remembering... or communicating. She'll start to say something and stop after a few words, and just go silent. Half the time she forgets that she spoke at all. When something's really on her mind, she repeats and reaffirms it over and over again. "I'm okay." "I love you." "He [my Dad] needs to be strong." It's very similar to the way my Grandma (Dad's Mom) is now with her dementia. She has been in a care home for a year and a half now. Mom won't have that long.
The last "big" things she did on Saturday before this began was having a Five Guys burger for dinner after the PET scan (having such an appetite has been a big deal, lately) and standing by to support me as I buried Topsy in the yard. Her oncologist says she likely has months (rather than weeks and rather than years) and there's talk about bringing in Hospice soon. Hospice has been mentioned for my Grandpa as well, who's living with congestive heart failure and has been in and out of hospitals and care facilities since Christmas.
We probably won't make it over to my sister's for blessing my baby niece, so they may come here instead. If it can happen in our home ward and Mom feels up to go to Sacrament meeting, wonderful! If she doesn't, we will do it here at home.
I'm sure there's many philosophical and spiritual things to be said here about life and death, change, transition, and the eternal nature of the soul. There is. I just can't say it right now. I can't. I'm numb with spurts of anguish. I'm adjusting to the loss of my cat okay. I hope I can do comparably well for the coming loss of my Mother and Grandfather. I hope I can find or be given strength to let my Dad be weak when he needs to be weak.
Oh God, what am I going to do....
Friday, February 24, 2012
Media literacy and modesty: How one could affect how we treat the other
It started with this post at FMH, which led to me watching through this YouTube Channel, and landing on this video. Between 2:00 and about 3:10, she talks about the Japanese ad campaign used to promote the video game in question, and how it involved the public literally stripping an image of a naked woman bare of the little cards that covered her. Classy... It got my wheels turning.
There's been a lot of high profile controversy lately about modesty in Mormon culture and particularly at Church schools. BYU-I and BYU both had incidents in recent months of young women being singled out for some manner of harassment over their state of dress being considered improper: first by boot cut jeans being confused for skinny jeans, and second by... I'm actually not certain. I think these incidents are an embarrassment to our people, frankly. Remember last year when a prominent player got taken off the BYU basketball team for breaking the Honor Code by sleeping with his girlfriend? People thought it was weird, but many also respected that BYU was a campus that would hopefully be sexually safe for their children Yeah, I don't think anyone would look at the pictures of the two girls and go "My daughter will have to dress more modestly than that to avoid sexual harassment?" The mixed messages do not help our case in the eyes of outsiders. Or insiders.
Sorry, I digress. To be clear before I proceed, I don't have a problem with modesty in general. I have a problem with the way it is discussed and taught as a woman-centric problem, and how that turns women into objects: sacred objects, but objects nonetheless because it has little to do with our wants or desires as human beings.
When we talk about modesty in the Church, the emphasis has less to do with respecting one's body and the power and holiness thereof, and more with the idea that men seeing women's skin means men will lust after women. Rarely do we talk about women lusting after men, and modesty as an element of behavior or attitude toward God suffers from a functional silence. Discussion of modesty is almost always about how much skin is or is not showing; the tightness of clothing might also be mentioned. There is tremendous concern about virtue and modesty expressed from the top of the Church but these topics are taught and talked about in a manner that horribly disempowers both sexes. Telling Mormon girls over and over to cover up does nothing about what Mormon boys see at school, around town, at events, and in the media. I have heard numerous young men, from the age of 12 and up, say how much they appreciate it when girls at church dress modestly and how they can't respect girls out in the world in the same way, but I'm not aware of an addendum to the teaching that they should "give proper respect to women, girls, and children," excluding those who bare their arms, midriff, back, or legs.
There was a video running around my Facebook a few months ago, "Should Christian women wear bikinis?" [here] in which the man (<--) presenting to an auditorium of teenage women (<--) cites and reads from a recent Princeton study on men's brain activity. He points out that when viewing men and women in various states of dress, images of a)women b)in bikinis c)with their heads/faces cropped out of the photo were not only the most memorable but also lit up the part of the brain linked to tool use, and turned off the part of the brain related to empathy and consideration. He then goes on to argue that if girls want to be seen as full human beings, then they need to dress modestly, so men don't look at them like objects and in turn take them seriously. While I do think there's some validity to that, I'd like to suggest that men have been carefully trained over the past several decades to see women this way. "Woman=object/property/incubator" has been around for thousands of years, but the experience of "See Jane. See Jane be sexy. See sexy Jane sell you something. Sell, Jane, sell." becoming absolutely pervasive is relatively recent, within the past couple generations. It's insulting to men to claim that this is a biological absolute; that when they see a woman with less than 66% of her body covered, they see that body solely as a procreative and/or recreational tool for their sexual fulfillment, one with diminished humanity, feelings, or intelligence.
If the Church is concerned about keeping men's brains out of the gutter and making sure women are respected, why not put more effort into media literacy? It's a good and necessary skill to have these days anyway, but wouldn't it help with wading through the mire of soft porn that constitutes many media offerings? The media is largely what teaches boys that the most desirable experience in life is intimate (and often dominant) contact with a female body, or an experience like it, whether through cars, alcohol, cigarettes... or a cheeseburger.
So why aren't we teaching our young women and men to see through the smoke and mirrors? Imagine the impact if, on a Sunday or a Mutual night when they walk into their meeting and after opening exercises, they hear something along the lines of,
This is as much a spiritual matter as secular. This applies in a Church context. I appreciate the relative level of hands-off-edness that has come along in recent years with telling the membership to exercise their judgment on what is and isn't appropriate media, rather that outright prohibitions. However, there has been very little solid guidance on how to differentiate between healthy messages and morals, and destructive messages and morals. By making it part of the curriculum we could educate our people and put them on the alert to police themselves and to advocate against the gross--yet widely accepted--misrepresentation and objectification of women that plagues our society far more than any excess of visible skin. Such education empowers men and women alike not to simply be the victims of whatever runs across their field of vision. It begins to teach them how to respect a woman and see her as a human being, rather than an object, no matter what she is or is not wearing because that is what they will need to do out in the world in their everyday lives, whether they go on a mission, get a job, go to school, or pursue any other endeavor that involves interesting with women.
Hopefully. In theory. They're still out in the world, inundated by these messages, but as with anything taught in the Church or at home, we hope that an ounce of prevention will equal a pound of cure.
There's been a lot of high profile controversy lately about modesty in Mormon culture and particularly at Church schools. BYU-I and BYU both had incidents in recent months of young women being singled out for some manner of harassment over their state of dress being considered improper: first by boot cut jeans being confused for skinny jeans, and second by... I'm actually not certain. I think these incidents are an embarrassment to our people, frankly. Remember last year when a prominent player got taken off the BYU basketball team for breaking the Honor Code by sleeping with his girlfriend? People thought it was weird, but many also respected that BYU was a campus that would hopefully be sexually safe for their children Yeah, I don't think anyone would look at the pictures of the two girls and go "My daughter will have to dress more modestly than that to avoid sexual harassment?" The mixed messages do not help our case in the eyes of outsiders. Or insiders.
Sorry, I digress. To be clear before I proceed, I don't have a problem with modesty in general. I have a problem with the way it is discussed and taught as a woman-centric problem, and how that turns women into objects: sacred objects, but objects nonetheless because it has little to do with our wants or desires as human beings.
When we talk about modesty in the Church, the emphasis has less to do with respecting one's body and the power and holiness thereof, and more with the idea that men seeing women's skin means men will lust after women. Rarely do we talk about women lusting after men, and modesty as an element of behavior or attitude toward God suffers from a functional silence. Discussion of modesty is almost always about how much skin is or is not showing; the tightness of clothing might also be mentioned. There is tremendous concern about virtue and modesty expressed from the top of the Church but these topics are taught and talked about in a manner that horribly disempowers both sexes. Telling Mormon girls over and over to cover up does nothing about what Mormon boys see at school, around town, at events, and in the media. I have heard numerous young men, from the age of 12 and up, say how much they appreciate it when girls at church dress modestly and how they can't respect girls out in the world in the same way, but I'm not aware of an addendum to the teaching that they should "give proper respect to women, girls, and children," excluding those who bare their arms, midriff, back, or legs.
There was a video running around my Facebook a few months ago, "Should Christian women wear bikinis?" [here] in which the man (<--) presenting to an auditorium of teenage women (<--) cites and reads from a recent Princeton study on men's brain activity. He points out that when viewing men and women in various states of dress, images of a)women b)in bikinis c)with their heads/faces cropped out of the photo were not only the most memorable but also lit up the part of the brain linked to tool use, and turned off the part of the brain related to empathy and consideration. He then goes on to argue that if girls want to be seen as full human beings, then they need to dress modestly, so men don't look at them like objects and in turn take them seriously. While I do think there's some validity to that, I'd like to suggest that men have been carefully trained over the past several decades to see women this way. "Woman=object/property/incubator" has been around for thousands of years, but the experience of "See Jane. See Jane be sexy. See sexy Jane sell you something. Sell, Jane, sell." becoming absolutely pervasive is relatively recent, within the past couple generations. It's insulting to men to claim that this is a biological absolute; that when they see a woman with less than 66% of her body covered, they see that body solely as a procreative and/or recreational tool for their sexual fulfillment, one with diminished humanity, feelings, or intelligence.
If the Church is concerned about keeping men's brains out of the gutter and making sure women are respected, why not put more effort into media literacy? It's a good and necessary skill to have these days anyway, but wouldn't it help with wading through the mire of soft porn that constitutes many media offerings? The media is largely what teaches boys that the most desirable experience in life is intimate (and often dominant) contact with a female body, or an experience like it, whether through cars, alcohol, cigarettes... or a cheeseburger.
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| I'm lookin' at you two. |
So why aren't we teaching our young women and men to see through the smoke and mirrors? Imagine the impact if, on a Sunday or a Mutual night when they walk into their meeting and after opening exercises, they hear something along the lines of,
"Our media literacy lesson today is about the use of objectification, infantilization, and sexism, and how it affects men and women's views of themselves and each other. After that, we'll discuss how to resist those effects personally, and how to combat them publicly."Ideally such lessons would taught in age-appropriate, engaging ways throughout the school years. Even more ideally, parents would also be having similar lessons and being given resources based on the best current science available in order to integrate this knowledge at home.
This is as much a spiritual matter as secular. This applies in a Church context. I appreciate the relative level of hands-off-edness that has come along in recent years with telling the membership to exercise their judgment on what is and isn't appropriate media, rather that outright prohibitions. However, there has been very little solid guidance on how to differentiate between healthy messages and morals, and destructive messages and morals. By making it part of the curriculum we could educate our people and put them on the alert to police themselves and to advocate against the gross--yet widely accepted--misrepresentation and objectification of women that plagues our society far more than any excess of visible skin. Such education empowers men and women alike not to simply be the victims of whatever runs across their field of vision. It begins to teach them how to respect a woman and see her as a human being, rather than an object, no matter what she is or is not wearing because that is what they will need to do out in the world in their everyday lives, whether they go on a mission, get a job, go to school, or pursue any other endeavor that involves interesting with women.
Hopefully. In theory. They're still out in the world, inundated by these messages, but as with anything taught in the Church or at home, we hope that an ounce of prevention will equal a pound of cure.
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| Thanks to Katie for her glorious outdoor BF pic, and Jhavia for the fabulous belly dancer. Please feel free to download and share this image. |
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