I don't know what to call this post

So.... my beloved cat, Topsy, died on the First of the month.  I'd had him/He'd had me since some time about 1999 or so.  He was an outdoor cat, semi-feral, very friendly and sweet, though clearly with a past of having been abused by someone.  Something happened to him neurologically--his body was still healthy--and he deteriorated rapidly to the point where I had to make the decision to end his suffering and have him euthanized.

As if that didn't suck enough.

Today (yesterday now... it's after midnight) the results from my Mom's latest PET scan came in.  Today-today is exactly six months since I first posted about her cancer, and almost five months since musing in grief that she could be gone in six...

Now, it's everywhere.  God in Heaven, it's everywhere.  It's everywhere inside her.  There's too many spots.  It's in her bones, in her muscles, her organs... and even a tiny spot between the hemispheres of her brain.  There's nothing more that can be done except to make sure she's comfortable and take as much advantage of the time we have while we can.

She has hardly gotten out of bed since Sunday morning and she has a horrible time concentrating or remembering... or communicating.  She'll start to say something and stop after a few words, and just go silent.  Half the time she forgets that she spoke at all.  When something's really on her mind, she repeats and reaffirms it over and over again.  "I'm okay."  "I love you."  "He [my Dad] needs to be strong."  It's very similar to the way my Grandma (Dad's Mom) is now with her dementia.  She has been in a care home for a year and a half now.  Mom won't have that long.

The last "big" things she did on Saturday before this began was having a Five Guys burger for dinner after the PET scan (having such an appetite has been a big deal, lately) and standing by to support me as I buried Topsy in the yard.  Her oncologist says she likely has months (rather than weeks and rather than years) and there's talk about bringing in Hospice soon.  Hospice has been mentioned for my Grandpa as well, who's living with congestive heart failure and has been in and out of hospitals and care facilities since Christmas.

We probably won't make it over to my sister's for blessing my baby niece, so they may come here instead.  If it can happen in our home ward and Mom feels up to go to Sacrament meeting, wonderful!  If she doesn't, we will do it here at home.

I'm sure there's many philosophical and spiritual things to be said here about life and death, change, transition, and the eternal nature of the soul.  There is.  I just can't say it right now.  I can't.  I'm numb with spurts of anguish.  I'm adjusting to the loss of my cat okay.  I hope I can do comparably well for the coming loss of my Mother and Grandfather.  I hope I can find or be given strength to let my Dad be weak when he needs to be weak.

Oh God, what am I going to do....