Had to post it

My name is Jena, and I'm a Morgan

Copyright Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.

This post has been percolating in my head for a few months and I'm still not sure what I want to say.  It sat as a draft for three weeks before I hit Publish.  The subject feels weighty; it is weighty.  I run the risk of making myself out to be more of an "extremist" than when I came out as a feminist.  Still, feminism felt like a more drastic coming out.  Maybe I'm becoming more used to being weird.  Maybe it's because the term "Morgan" doesn't mean anything to most people.  It didn't mean anything to me until about a month ago.  I knew what I was, but I didn't have a label for it.

A Morgan is a Mormon Pagan.

In a way, this is a post has no point, except to add another label to a person who generally hates labels.  I could still just as easily say "I'm a Mormon". because pretty much everything Pagan about me is Mormon about me, just perhaps with a little different language or nomenclature. (So why am I making a post about it?  Because I can!  And it's good to record my process.)

• I respect and honor Creation
• I believe in a Divine Mother as well as a Divine Father
• I believe in the existence of multiple deities (^Duh)
• I believe we shouldn't cause harm to others and if we do, it will come back to us.
• I send my desires out for answer and do my best to believe they will be answered (though at times I struggle with believing I'm worth it, but that's another thing altogether)
• I appreciate the use of high ritual and ceremony in worship
• I believe in the support and ministrations of unseen beings of power and goodness from beyond the veil

I guess "Pagan-flavored Mormon" is technically more accurate.  Either way, I don't consider the two systems to be essential conflicting.  In some particulars?  Yes.  But in philosophical essences?  No. 

It's a little weird, really.    I mean, Mormons are basically the Pagans of the Christian world; meanwhile, many traditional Christian practices come from integrating elements of Paganism to help assimilate populations to the faith.  It's really not that big of a deal.  People get freaked out because of aspersions cast upon Pagan traditions over the centuries, and equate it with Satanism.  They aren't the same thing, though.  Paganism is nature-based.   Pagans don't even believe in the existence of Satan, much less worship him.

In spite of all these things, I still hesitate to really "out" myself more.  My Facebook profile does list my religious views as "Pagan-flavored Mormon: Loving the Earth. Seeking my Mother alongside my Father and my Savior. Observing cycles, seasons and Sabbats. Embracing truth. Keeping my temple recommend. It's not as crazy or difficult as you think."  No one has commented, so I don't know if anyone has noticed.

Then there's this post that I may or may not be brave enough to display in the view of my Ward members.  It's that hesitation, because of the bad connotations surrounding Paganism.  And then there's the feeling like I'm "too Mormon, not Pagan enough" or "too Pagan, not Mormon enough" to suit those on either side who would judge me, rather than extending compassion and acceptance.  The pressure I feel to conform to one or the other is tremendous.  It might be self-imposed, but if I'm completely honest, I do not trust everyone I know not to judge me for one or the other.  It's discouraging.

Still.  When it comes down to it, Paganism has made me a better Mormon.  Lighting a candle while I pray makes me feel more focused and keeps my mind from wandering so much.  Adding ritual elements to my day-to-day makes me feel more connected with God.  Is it "critical to my salvation" to smudge with sage or sweetgrass to "clear my space"?  No, but I don't think it hurts, and it makes my faith rituals feel more intentional.  I miss that in mainstream Mormonism.  I feel like we've had some of the beauty scrubbed out of our general practice.  Incense and oil were burnt in the ancient temples of Isreal to purify and sanctify the space and to lift prayers to Heaven.  Ornamentation and artwork in our regular church buildings is minimal, and while I don't think we need to go anywhere near Baroque cathedrals, I don't usually find our facilities more beautiful than functional.  With the exception of temples, I really don't find anything inspiring about the form of most of our facilities in and of themselves.  We've become so much about practicality and uniformity in modern times.  Things like beauty in architecture and adornment, scent, sound... we rarely use more of our physical senses than sight and hearing in our services and rituals, and I think that makes our correlated practices... sterile.  Homogenized.  Pasteurized.  Devitalized.  Boring.  Uninspiring.

Anyway.  For me, bringing in these new elements has given my faith vitality again in a time when I desperately need it.  It makes it easier for me to feel like I'm in touch with Divine power, like I can receive revelation and inspiration, be guided and protected.  I feel a little bit more spiritually alive, and I crave that.  I have always craved it.

It's not the way for everyone, and I understand that.  That's okay.  Frankly, neither is being ultra-orthodox.  Different people have different spiritual needs, and anyone willing can come to Christ and accept the Savior, though their needs be different.  He did come to learn to succor us all, not just the Mollys and Peters.  This is my personal need and my expression.  I don't expect anyone to join me, though I'm eternally grateful for those who do.  There are small numbers of us.  I am blessed with three in particular, my sisters, my Coven.  We're all on this crazy, crunchy, Earth-loving, Christ-following, Mother-seeking, covenant-keeping, recommend-maintaining, ritual-doing Morgan path together.

So yeah.  I'm a Morgan.  A Pagan-flavored Mormon or a Mormon-flavored Pagan.  Some people are going to disagree with that.  I can't help it.  I can't help it if they may even be in my own family.  But I'm using this Pagan side of me to improve the quality of my Mormon side.

Detail of the Nauvoo Temple - Source: Illinois in Focus

I still believe in the Godhead, though I also admit Mother to it in my own mind.  I believe in the Atonement.  I sustain the Prophet and leaders as men and women called of God.  I am chaste, almost to a fault.  My family relationships are loving and non-abusive.  I do not associate with organizations or individuals who preach or practice contrary to the Gospel--this being the sticking point in this whole journey, and the purpose of this post: My Paganism augments my Mormonism, it does not oppose it.  I strive to keep my covenants, stay active in the Church, and be a good person.  I am honest.  I pay my tithes.  I obey the Word of Wisdom.  I wear my garments.  I feel worthy to enter the temple.  I am worthy.

I am unorthodox.  But I am worthy.

Mother Fast 5: Overcoming Patriarchy

Hello, everyone.  It's that Sunday again.  Keeping on as a reminder of the "official" course of the Fast for this month, here's what I had outlined:

• A growing consciousness of the damages inflicted on humanity by traditions of patriarchy, the system of social, cultural, and religious rule by men to the exclusion and oppression of women and children.

I, however, will not be addressing this one this month in my own private Fast.  After last week's events, I'm instead going to be fasting for the leadership again, specifically the Prophet and the Apostles, that their hearts will be softened and opened to the weight of the people's need for Heavenly Mother, and that they will seek after revelation concerning Her.  I'll be praying that the message I sent with the Seventy will be (or has already been) seriously received and become a matter of pondering and consideration.

Whichever you choose, welcome to another month of sacrifice and dedication in the cause of our Goddess.  Thank you for being with me. :)

Outside the Garden

Perhaps the Devil replaced the symbol of feminine wisdom in the Eden story because life is a Hell of a lot harder once there's choices to be made.

I hate to say it because I feel a little ungrateful  after yesterday's sublime gift of timing, but that was the best I got out of the visiting authorities.  Both of their talks last night and this morning were... discouraging and unsettling.  I don't feel like going into details, but suffice it to say that if there's a hint of purposeful delaying of marriage and children, or a wife who doesn't follow her husband because he's the patriarch(y) in the household, or if you are an inch less than all on board with supporting only traditional marriage, you've been corrupted by the world and Satan.  It was pure Correlation speech, with little to no room for personal revelation, opinion, or need.  I think my question about Mother was the only thing either of them talked about that wasn't based primarily in "follow the Prophet/Priesthood, get in line, be good."

Okay, that's all slightly exaggerated because I was so taken aback by how put off I was.  Also, they did talk about personal revelation, but it was 99.9% (addressing me being the .1%) to do with their process of receiving revelation about the new Stake President.  That's wonderful!  I am glad to be assured of the revelatory process in our lay clergy, I truly, honestly am.  Nevertheless, I was really encouraged by at least portions of Elder Anderson's talk last Conference when he reaffirmed that decisions of when and how many children to have are between couples and the Lord, secondary to even prophetic advice, and to have the subject hit upon three or four times, while talking about how the men have the Priesthood and leadership responsibilities while women stay home and manage the affairs...  it bothers me, anymore.  We're not stewards over our husband's property while he's out doing God's work.  We are God's work!  With our husbands, not in spite of them.  Teamwork, not periodic couplehood!  Yes, I'm upset about it.  Talks like this make me feel like I'm less likely to find a man who will see and treat me as equal to him.

Of course, this was topped off with the obligatory bone-throw to the singles and the childless.  "You'll get the blessings eventually."  Thank you!  I had forgotten about that... that one thing that gives my flat-lined love life/death a hint of purpose.  That thing I must cling to if I'm to be a righteous LDS woman.  I had forgotten, because it's not ever-present when the subject comes up, and I'm not painfully aware that I'm not a member of the married-with-kids club.

Gragh.

All that said... for once, I was genuinely unimpressed by the words of leadership.  For once, I really disagreed and found myself in a Correlation Conundrum.  I'm certain this will not be the last time I face this situation.  I do like the new Stake Presidency, though, and I'm grateful for the former Presidency.  They were really wonderful, and I have high hopes that this new trio will carry the torch of awesome.

To end on a lighter note, I would like to take a moment to brag on my former Stake President.  I've known and loved the man for years.  He was my Stake Mission Leader when I was a Stake missionary... for three weeks before he was called to be President.  I was well acquainted with him before that through my Dad, and I was excited to see him called.  Over the years, he and his four counselors (one moved, one died--and he is still deeply missed and lovingly remembered, but that's another story) have done great amounts of good from what I've observed.  The President joined an interfaith coalition of local leaders an representatives of many faiths and built bridges and got to know them well.  He spoke openly of and acknowledged Heavenly Mother in at least one, possibly two meetings I attended.  When he and his wife were interviewed by Elder Oaks when he was called, and Elder Oaks gave him 20 minutes to choose his Counselors, he didn't need the whole time, but most remarkably... he told Elder Oaks that his wife would always be his first Counselor.  And she was.  Following that line, when he came to the singles ward to conduct the last Bishopric change, he said, speaking of the departing trio and advising the incoming, "The brethren are better prepared when they have the advice of their wives."  He has been a great example of equality and honoring women alongside men.

I pray that will continue with our new President and his Counselors, and that it will spread.

As a woman on fire

 "The Spirit of God like a fire is burning...  The visions and blessings of old are returning, and angels are coming to visit the earth."

I felt the burning of the Spirit tonight as I found myself with the opportunity to be the voice for thousands of women.  I haven't had many experiences so forceful in my life, but there was no mistaking the Spirit when it came and moved me.

We have a member of the First Quorum of the Seventy and an assisting Regional Authority in town this weekend to change our Stake Presidency.  At the end of adult session of Conference tonight, the Seventy gave us about 5 minutes to think of "inspired questions" that he or one of the others on the stand would answer.  He told us that he has a daily opportunity to eat lunch with members of the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve at Church headquarters, conversing with them and that he has been on assignment with every Apostle or Prophet for the past 16 years.  He said that he would take the hard ones and the easy ones could be answered by his assistant, the Mission President, or a member of our Stake Presidency.

I knew I had to ask about Mother.


As I was waiting for our thinking time to be over, I had the whole heart racing, hands shaking, sweating Spirit prodding thing going.  I was determined to be first.  When he finally opened it, my hand shot up.  I know I wasn't first in the air, but he called me and the mic came my way.  I stood with racing heart and I asked, "As a woman, "How can I as a woman know who I'm going to become if we know so little about Heavenly Mother, and how can we learn about her?"

I don't think he quite got the eternal scope of the question--or if he did, he didn't address it that way, in my opinion--but his answer was still good.  He talked about consulting Patriarchal Blessings, reading the scriptures to familiarize myself with the voice of the Lord/Spirit, and praying (to Heavenly Father) to know more.  He also spoke about finding little packets of blessings (I liked that) along life's road that would lead and guide me in the right direction.  I was hoping for something grander, personally.  However, when I stepped back from my expectations, I found that the answer given was a confirmation of what I've done and what I'm doing, the direction I'm traveling.  Also, for those out there who may be asking and thinking they're alone, or who are afraid to ask, or who don't even know to ask, I think it was a good intro answer that--if nothing else--might open dialogue and searching.

I was in process of leaving the building after the meeting, when I got this strong feeling to go back.  I almost didn't, but the pull was so strong.  It wasn't a forceful push or a drag, it wasn't a command it was... assurance.  I walked back inside and stuck my head into the chapel.  I looked for him, didn't see him, started to leave again.  Again the feeling came, telling me to go back and keep looking.  I did, but I didn't see him, didn't see him... Finally, I saw him across the room.  Of course, there were a couple doen people chatting between us.  I made my way in his direction, trying to find a path.  I almost stopped to hug a friend of the family, but I said to myself, "No, I'm not here for that," and got through the gym to the opposite foyer.  As I went through the door and looked up, I found myself face to face with the mission president, who said mine was a very good question and shook my hand.  I nearly shook the hand of the Regional Authority but the mission president distracted him.  Just as he was turning back to me, the Seventy approached and shook my hand and thanked me for being present tonight.

I thanked him for coming and I put my hand over his.  Instantly, I began to tear up as I looked at him.  I was filled with the fire of the Spirit and the weight of women's need.  It enveloped me and seeped into me.  It fused with my being for 30 electrifying seconds.  I have felt such a sensation once before--this thick feeling of being engulfed in water but never drowning, only being pressed in upon by something omnipresent and holistic--as I entered a Celestial Room for the first time.  I stood before him, wearing an unseen mantle lent to me by the spirit of every woman who ever lived, and choked out the words, "Please... I've talked to so many women about this, and we're very concerned.  We want to know about our Mother.  Please take that back to them.  Let them know.  Please, take it back to them."

He said he would, and thanked me again.  The mantle did not lift from my being until I left the building.  I couldn't help the tears falling down my face.  It was likely confusing to those who had seen me just two minutes before going in the other direction with a smile on my face, but I had done what I needed to do.  I did it without little fear and less hesitation.  I felt the Spirit move me in ways I would not have moved myself under my own, often-timid power.


Now I pray and I hope--I desperately hope--that he felt the weight of our need, and he will take it back to the Apostles and Prophet.  I will be praying for that this week as I prepare for this month's Fast.  I will likely also go off the "planned subject schedule", personally, and go back to Fasting for our leaders' inspiration.  Now may be the right time.

May our prayers be heard and answered.

Edits: Corrections made to titles of participants.

Awake and Arise update

So... nobody entered the contest!  No one!  It's kind of funny, actually.  Oh well, moving on with life.

So, the next step is making my own edits and transcription, followed by practice and recording.  I'm not sure how this is going to go, but let me know if you're interested in volunteering for it!  Whether it'll just be audio (almost certainly, to start) or video eventually(?) I haven't fully decided yet.  I guess I'll start with audio and go from there.

Another look at Eden

I recently asked on a Facebook group:

I'm working on a blog post about this, so I'd love to get anyone's insights.

If matriarchy indeed preceded patriarchy, what would the Eden story have looked like from a matriarchal perspective?

Interestingly enough, this is not the post I was working on!  Not by a long shot!  That's been on the back burner for over a week.  However, I got the concept for my extremely speculative answer rather suddenly late last night/early this morning--it was such that my mind felt illuminated and engaged the entire time I was writing, as if someone had it to dictate--and I sat down for about five or six hours just now to write about five or six pages.  The result is after the jump.  It's certainly controversial in some of its elements depending on how literally one believes the Eden story, but I really enjoyed writing it.  To avoid confusion, please note that I exchanged the English "Eve" for the Hebrew "Hawwah" throughout.  "Adam" apparently is already as Hebrew as I'm going to get.

And one last thing before you go and read: I love this story.  I don't get stuff like this coming through my brain very often and I felt inspired.  Whether this is "gospel truth" or not, I don't know--none of us knows--but I feel that it could be.  It could be close to the original series of events in the Garden of Eden, as told before patriarchal culture took the Creation mythology and recorded it as we have it today.  Whether it's pure truth or pure fiction or somewhere in between, I hope this take on the story of our origins touches your heart and feeds your soul the way it did mine.