Today was awesome. Okay, today was a mixed bag, some of which was good and some of which... well. See title.
First things first: Last night I went to bed on the wings of the most sincere and intentional prayer I've made that wasn't full of blubbering in the past few months. I decided that, as my 31st birthday gift to myself, I
will have someone to
snog at midnight on New Year's. I don't care if it's a good friend (HA!), a random date, a steady boyfriend, or somewhere in between, but there will be someone and I will snog him. There will be snogging and it will--hopefully-be glorious, and I'm praying and putting out intentions for it to happen. Snog ahoy! So that was nice and I felt good when I went to sleep. Huzzah, prayer!
I got up, got made up, and went to church, fully intending to attend all three hours on purpose. Part of this was because I'm barely going to be at my YSA ward for the rest of the month since I'll be elsewhere with my siblings pretty much every weekend. Also, my ward got a new Bishopric, and I wanted to bid farewell to the old guard (but mostly their wives) and welcome the new. Thirdly, I think I feel ready to return to activity. I think. Today kinda pissed me off. Sacrament was fine, Sunday School was okay, but Relief Society...
Let me preface by saying that I love my Relief Society Presidency. They're wonderful, smart, intelligent, independent, strong women and they work very hard. I trust that if there are things they feel they need to emphasize, there's a reason, even if that reason may or may not apply to me all the time. That being said... Why? Why are we being given copies of the new For the Strength of Youth pamphlet? That little book has at least doubled in thickness from the last time I got it in Young Women's over twelve years ago, and while I appreciate most of its content and the purpose it has for teenagers, there is nothing in it that's meant to be appropriate for anyone of an age where college, career, mission and post-mission, serious dating, engagement, marriage, housing, travel, and other concerns of
adult life are at hand. It is made for teenagers, not young adults, not for people who may have degrees and businesses and bills and probably debt.
I appreciate the Presidency's desire to "get back to basics", to remind people of the simple principles of the Gospel. That's wonderful! I back that up entirely. But, shockingly, my hemlines and hairstyle are not in that category. That's right, we talked through "Dress and Appearance". And "Sexual Purity". Of course. Of freakin' course. It's not a proper flashback to Young Women's without them! We were even introduced to the Head-Shoulders-Kness-and-Toes of Modesty: Touch your head to make sure your midriff doesn't show, be sure your shoulders are covered and your hemline is to or near your knees, and touch your toes to make sure your cleavage doesn't pop out. Yes, we reverted to
Preschool as adult women in order to measure how covered we are. There were a few comments made about men's inferiority in the realms of thought/desire control, and one girl who apparently gets pissed at other women for dressing immodestly when they're in proximity to her fiance because they're tempting him and making him think bad things. I had a very hard time staying in my seat and in the room. I was not disappointed in my prediction that someone would pull out this gem...
Sister: (paraphrase) With the rise and prevalence of pornography in the world, we have to realize that when we dress immodestly or inappropriately, we basically become porn for the boys.
Me: *And there it is. Hand up*
Teacher: *thoughtful murmur* That's true. Jena?
Me: [At this point I feel like I entered an altered state of mind/reality. My brain does not usually jump in so quickly or forcefully, I don't typically raise my voice in church or stare daggers at teachers, and I rarely feel like I'm about to firewalk out of my body...] No, it's
not true! Pornography is a
product. We cannot be pornography because women are
people not products. [I wish that I had continued with someone along the lines of how it's sexist to think that men are less capable or desirous of controlling themselves than women and that we ought to expect them to pull their own weight instead of heaping the burden upon women, etc. but the teacher looked startled and I felt like I was about to burst into flames, so I sat back and let her move on to someone else's comment.]
I may have just outed myself as a radical. Oh noes. The idea is a little freeing; I can gradually quit pretending I'm normal. Sigh, I'm going to be one of those "crazy Mormons" who's really only crazy to other Mormons. What a lovely introduction to me for my new Bishop's wife!
I love my ward family and my Church family. I love the Gospel and often I even love the institution of the Church. Nevertheless, sometimes I look around and think, "This place is totally insane and we are all nuts." Mostly it's just people doing their level best, but sometimes level best is weird or age inappropriate. Trying to improve that is one of the primary reasons I remain these days. Someday, I want to help rewrite the way we talk and think about these things. I hope that I made a small difference in the mindset of someone in that room today by declaring that womanhood is personhood.
