I went to bed last night realizing that tomorrow starts the main body of Conference. (I consider Relief Society and Young Women's Conferences to be part of the body of General Conference, just like Priesthood Session, in spite of the week between them.) I went to bed last night praying that the veil would be lifted from Mother's face. I woke this morning to pray again for understanding to come forth this weekend. I may or may not Fast. I probably should, I just don't know if it's feasible for me today. However, I will not stop praying. (Praying is a free action. /nerd joke)
Every day, I dress to honor God. Today I will also dress to honor Goddess.
Every day, I act in and by the name of God. Today, I will also act in and by the name of Goddess, that those I encounter will feel some part of Her love. I will do what I can to fill the need for a "Mother in a Motherless house."
Every day, I carry God in the song of my heart. Today, I will also carry Goddess in the music I play and the music I sing, that Her voice might be heard in the world.
I give thanks to God and Goddess for the inspiration for this Fast, for the growth it has brought me, and the journey I am on. I give thanks for the people with me on this journey and their kind words and support. I pray for the courage to share it with more people I know.
My hope is high, though the voice of my faith sounds a little shaky in my own ears. I know it may not come this weekend--that ultimately, I believe it is up to our Parents' timing, no matter what skeptics and naysayers would say about patriarchy and suppression--but I do believe it will come. I just pray that if my small efforts can be worth anything this weekend, they will be.
Please pray with me today.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I've been thinking a lot about gays
(Great title, right? Right. Hang with me.)
Granted there has been more direct reason in the past three or so years, and really one could go back to circa 1995, but for me, it has been somewhere in my mind for about 11 or 12 years. That's when the campaign for Prop 14 started, which was the original law passed by California voters in 2000 defining marriage as between a man and a woman. Who remembers that? It kinda sorta hit the back burner from my POV until... what was it, 2004? 2006? When Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco basically said to the majority of the state's voters, "Screw all y'all, I'm authorizing same-sex marriages in this city!" (And the now-famous line "It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not!" Thanks Mr. Mayor. Voters FTW. Oh wait.) Then there was bickering and repeals and appeals and blahblahblah--Prop 8. So for the second time in a decade, we were asked to get involved. And I did.
And it sucked.
California is a pretty blue state, and I can be a very shy person, and the 50+% of voting residents as of 2000 and 2008 still opposed gay marriage do not live in my calling area. There's areas of the state that are fairly red, or at least magenta. The county I live in is maybe half a shade less blue than San Francisco itself. I carried a lingering uncertainty for my safety having a yellow Prop 8 sticker on my bumper... right next to the other yellow one that said, "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." (I got into a brief discussion once about the apparent incongruency between the two. I'm still surprised it was only once and that it was brief, because believe me, the difficulty of holding both of those as true did not escape me.) The night of the election, all the bumper stickers in my family came off for that reason. I'm sure many people elsewhere in the state with blue stickers did the same thing for the same reason, and really it's just a tiny taste of the fear LGBT people live with around the world.
Anyway, I did most of the stuff I was asked to do. I made phone calls. (I would have rather eaten escargot. I hate phones and I hate potential confrontation.) I stood on street corners with signs. I may or may not have contributed money; I can't remember. I got a balloon at a street fair in my grandparents' hometown, and walked around with that for a while that night. I had conversations with a few friends that I didn't especially want to have, but I did it out of a feeling of obligation and duty. That didn't mean I was especially happy about it.
The subject was inescapable one way or another. Every.one.was.talking.about.it. It was on the news, on the street, in businesses, at church, in the grocery store, in my college classes. Posters and bumper stickers and banners and mediamediamedia. (This was also the year I got royally fed up with both major political parties--I was raised Republican--and registered as an Independent. I was sick and overwhelmed by the political madness of that year.) And at last, I voted the way I felt I should, while secretly envying my newly baptized friend who told me straight-up she was voting no.
While all of this was going on, my family was estranged from my gay brother and his partner. There had been a series of incidents over the years (actually very few of them directly to do with his orientation) and things just got awkward and silent. Occasionally gifts would go one way or the other but we just didn't really communicate. I wanted to be his friend on Facebook but felt like that was disloyal to my Dad, who was the one particularly mad at him. We saw them at a family wedding and maybe a reunion, but... yeah. He was still my brother, and he was still gay, and nothing was going to change that. I wanted to know him, and his partner. It took two and a half years after the '08 elections for that to happen. Now we're all friends on Facebook and Words With Friends and we comment on statuses and photos and it's a grand ol' time! The family feels whole without this weird gap because they'e not there.
Fast forward to this summer or even the whole past year. We got back in touch with my brother and his partner as mentioned. I became friends with a lovely lesbian couple who are my business neighbors. (I'd link to their store--which is fantastic--but it would destroy what anonymity I maintain.) I attended their wedding reception last month. And beginning to learn about Carol Lynn Pearson and her life story with her gay ex-husand. And the Daughters of Mormonism episodes immediately after mine. And... I don't know, it has just been on my mind. The publicized accounts of people committing suicide because of bullying, the ongoing hullabaloo of post-Prop 8, my friends; all of these things just kept it coming back up, and honestly, I'm not sure exactly where all of my opinions and beliefs sit anymore. However, I do know where a few sit.
No one should be bullied for being LGBT, or any other reason. No one should end up feeling like death is the only way out of their suffering. I've rarely seen two people more in love than my neighbors. I don't think everyone who identifies as LGBT was born that way... but prob-ssibly a lot--maybe most!--were. I don't know why. I don't know how that fits into my view of the purpose of life and eternal progression. I do believe people when they say that they love a person of the same sex, and that they belong together. (At least as much as I'd believe a heterosexual couple. Being one or the other certainly doesn't guarantee good relationship skills or a good match.) I believe people when they do say they've gotten a feeling from God that they are just the way that they're supposed to be. I have no reason or right to doubt another person's spiritual experiences, even when they don't mesh with my own.
I believe that God is love, and that love is a fruit of the Spirit and when you feel love (or peace, kindness, long-suffering, etc.) that's a sign of the Spirit's presence. (Once I put that idea together in that manner--thanks to a Sunday School lesson no less--it blew a gigantic hole in my ideas about homosexual relationships.) I believe everyone deserves at least a chance at love and happiness in life, even if some of us never find it. I believe every soul has great intrinsic value, no matter what shape it's in. I believe everyone should be treated with fairness, kindness, and respect. I believe we all have our sins and our struggles and things that other people don't like about us: some of them we can change in this life, some of them we can't. I don't believe being homosexual in and of itself is a sin; I don't know where I think it goes from there, especially in context of things I've already said about love and happiness.
I wish no one would ever feel like they could not come unto Christ, partake of the Atonement and the blessings and ordinances of the Gospel, be washed clean, and believe and worship in full fellowship with all the saints because of their sexual orientation. I wish something--whatever it is--would come to be so that no one would ever have to leave again in order to live with integrity about who they are and whom they love. I've personally known three people (maybe four but I lost contact with him years ago) in my life who have left the LDS church at least in part because they are gay. They've all gone on to continue being God-loving, spiritual, religious people... just not in the Church. I wish it wouldn't be that way. I hope someday it won't be.
I think there must be enough room in all eternity for our LGBT brothers and sisters. I hope someday we'll find it.
Granted there has been more direct reason in the past three or so years, and really one could go back to circa 1995, but for me, it has been somewhere in my mind for about 11 or 12 years. That's when the campaign for Prop 14 started, which was the original law passed by California voters in 2000 defining marriage as between a man and a woman. Who remembers that? It kinda sorta hit the back burner from my POV until... what was it, 2004? 2006? When Mayor Gavin Newsom of San Francisco basically said to the majority of the state's voters, "Screw all y'all, I'm authorizing same-sex marriages in this city!" (And the now-famous line "It's gonna happen, whether you like it or not!" Thanks Mr. Mayor. Voters FTW. Oh wait.) Then there was bickering and repeals and appeals and blahblahblah--Prop 8. So for the second time in a decade, we were asked to get involved. And I did.
And it sucked.
California is a pretty blue state, and I can be a very shy person, and the 50+% of voting residents as of 2000 and 2008 still opposed gay marriage do not live in my calling area. There's areas of the state that are fairly red, or at least magenta. The county I live in is maybe half a shade less blue than San Francisco itself. I carried a lingering uncertainty for my safety having a yellow Prop 8 sticker on my bumper... right next to the other yellow one that said, "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." (I got into a brief discussion once about the apparent incongruency between the two. I'm still surprised it was only once and that it was brief, because believe me, the difficulty of holding both of those as true did not escape me.) The night of the election, all the bumper stickers in my family came off for that reason. I'm sure many people elsewhere in the state with blue stickers did the same thing for the same reason, and really it's just a tiny taste of the fear LGBT people live with around the world.
Anyway, I did most of the stuff I was asked to do. I made phone calls. (I would have rather eaten escargot. I hate phones and I hate potential confrontation.) I stood on street corners with signs. I may or may not have contributed money; I can't remember. I got a balloon at a street fair in my grandparents' hometown, and walked around with that for a while that night. I had conversations with a few friends that I didn't especially want to have, but I did it out of a feeling of obligation and duty. That didn't mean I was especially happy about it.
The subject was inescapable one way or another. Every.one.was.talking.about.it. It was on the news, on the street, in businesses, at church, in the grocery store, in my college classes. Posters and bumper stickers and banners and mediamediamedia. (This was also the year I got royally fed up with both major political parties--I was raised Republican--and registered as an Independent. I was sick and overwhelmed by the political madness of that year.) And at last, I voted the way I felt I should, while secretly envying my newly baptized friend who told me straight-up she was voting no.
While all of this was going on, my family was estranged from my gay brother and his partner. There had been a series of incidents over the years (actually very few of them directly to do with his orientation) and things just got awkward and silent. Occasionally gifts would go one way or the other but we just didn't really communicate. I wanted to be his friend on Facebook but felt like that was disloyal to my Dad, who was the one particularly mad at him. We saw them at a family wedding and maybe a reunion, but... yeah. He was still my brother, and he was still gay, and nothing was going to change that. I wanted to know him, and his partner. It took two and a half years after the '08 elections for that to happen. Now we're all friends on Facebook and Words With Friends and we comment on statuses and photos and it's a grand ol' time! The family feels whole without this weird gap because they'e not there.
Fast forward to this summer or even the whole past year. We got back in touch with my brother and his partner as mentioned. I became friends with a lovely lesbian couple who are my business neighbors. (I'd link to their store--which is fantastic--but it would destroy what anonymity I maintain.) I attended their wedding reception last month. And beginning to learn about Carol Lynn Pearson and her life story with her gay ex-husand. And the Daughters of Mormonism episodes immediately after mine. And... I don't know, it has just been on my mind. The publicized accounts of people committing suicide because of bullying, the ongoing hullabaloo of post-Prop 8, my friends; all of these things just kept it coming back up, and honestly, I'm not sure exactly where all of my opinions and beliefs sit anymore. However, I do know where a few sit.
No one should be bullied for being LGBT, or any other reason. No one should end up feeling like death is the only way out of their suffering. I've rarely seen two people more in love than my neighbors. I don't think everyone who identifies as LGBT was born that way... but prob-ssibly a lot--maybe most!--were. I don't know why. I don't know how that fits into my view of the purpose of life and eternal progression. I do believe people when they say that they love a person of the same sex, and that they belong together. (At least as much as I'd believe a heterosexual couple. Being one or the other certainly doesn't guarantee good relationship skills or a good match.) I believe people when they do say they've gotten a feeling from God that they are just the way that they're supposed to be. I have no reason or right to doubt another person's spiritual experiences, even when they don't mesh with my own.
I believe that God is love, and that love is a fruit of the Spirit and when you feel love (or peace, kindness, long-suffering, etc.) that's a sign of the Spirit's presence. (Once I put that idea together in that manner--thanks to a Sunday School lesson no less--it blew a gigantic hole in my ideas about homosexual relationships.) I believe everyone deserves at least a chance at love and happiness in life, even if some of us never find it. I believe every soul has great intrinsic value, no matter what shape it's in. I believe everyone should be treated with fairness, kindness, and respect. I believe we all have our sins and our struggles and things that other people don't like about us: some of them we can change in this life, some of them we can't. I don't believe being homosexual in and of itself is a sin; I don't know where I think it goes from there, especially in context of things I've already said about love and happiness.
I wish no one would ever feel like they could not come unto Christ, partake of the Atonement and the blessings and ordinances of the Gospel, be washed clean, and believe and worship in full fellowship with all the saints because of their sexual orientation. I wish something--whatever it is--would come to be so that no one would ever have to leave again in order to live with integrity about who they are and whom they love. I've personally known three people (maybe four but I lost contact with him years ago) in my life who have left the LDS church at least in part because they are gay. They've all gone on to continue being God-loving, spiritual, religious people... just not in the Church. I wish it wouldn't be that way. I hope someday it won't be.
I think there must be enough room in all eternity for our LGBT brothers and sisters. I hope someday we'll find it.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Truncated Muddle
Oh, life is a muddle. I can't even quite gather my thoughts here, but I'll try.
I've slowed my posting of late for a lot of reasons, and I feel like I've talked about this before but I really can't recall. The Mother Fast is still going. I'm still wishing I knew how many people are participating. I've had no entries on the "Awake and Arise" anthem contest thingy. None. Not a one. Well, except from a small group of friends with whom I discussed it before even putting it out there for entries. I'm a tiny corner of the internet--not even a corner, really, more like a nail dent in a wall--
And Blogger ate my post. *sigh.* *fistshake* Maybe it's for the best, it was mostly just me freaking out about life in general. That's not really the purpose of this blog. Here's a run-down, anyway.
Okay, I'm done. I'm off to keep muddling through. Off to go forth and try to conquer. Away!
I've slowed my posting of late for a lot of reasons, and I feel like I've talked about this before but I really can't recall. The Mother Fast is still going. I'm still wishing I knew how many people are participating. I've had no entries on the "Awake and Arise" anthem contest thingy. None. Not a one. Well, except from a small group of friends with whom I discussed it before even putting it out there for entries. I'm a tiny corner of the internet--not even a corner, really, more like a nail dent in a wall--
And Blogger ate my post. *sigh.* *fistshake* Maybe it's for the best, it was mostly just me freaking out about life in general. That's not really the purpose of this blog. Here's a run-down, anyway.
- Mom's improving, albeit slowly. The situation's still stressful.
- I suck at my business. I'm good at my work! But I'm terrible at my business. This must change.
- I'm questioning things about myself lately that I never thought I'd question and I'm wondering if it's because of reality or general frustration with where I am in life.
- In spite of crap, my life's still pretty good. I'm just stressed and scattered and in need of balance, grounding, and centering. I'm also very seriously considering adding Reiki to my healing repertoire once I chill out a bit.
Okay, I'm done. I'm off to keep muddling through. Off to go forth and try to conquer. Away!
Friday, September 23, 2011
Blessed Mabon!
Or as most of us know it, Happy Autumn Equinox!
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Favorite. Fav.or.ite. I was Autumn one year for Halloween and I just might do it again. (It's battling for first place with being a good fairy. Autumn fairy? Mmm intriguing.)
Today is a balance point in the year, the time when light and dark come face to face in their seasonal dance and share a smile. Some people see it as a dreary time of year, full of dead plants and extremes in temperature (Indian Summer to "frickin' cold!" and back again) and dwindling light and daytime hours, and school. I had a discussion a few years back with a guy I had a crush on at the time about it. He was of the above opinion and at first couldn't see what I love it so much.
Well. Let us have a foray into the reasons! (Can you tell how giddy I am today? Oh, this is going to be a scatterbrained post, I can feel it.)
Autumn is my favorite time of year. Favorite. Fav.or.ite. I was Autumn one year for Halloween and I just might do it again. (It's battling for first place with being a good fairy. Autumn fairy? Mmm intriguing.)
Today is a balance point in the year, the time when light and dark come face to face in their seasonal dance and share a smile. Some people see it as a dreary time of year, full of dead plants and extremes in temperature (Indian Summer to "frickin' cold!" and back again) and dwindling light and daytime hours, and school. I had a discussion a few years back with a guy I had a crush on at the time about it. He was of the above opinion and at first couldn't see what I love it so much.
Well. Let us have a foray into the reasons! (Can you tell how giddy I am today? Oh, this is going to be a scatterbrained post, I can feel it.)
- The colors: dramatic and varied across virtually the entire spectrum, with of course an emphasis on the warm tones.
- Fruition: Autumn is a time for what has been planted to be harvested. Literally that means an abundance (*cue angel choir* Ahhhh!) of awesome and delicious food (and PIE). Metaphorically, it embodies someone I am constantly seeking in my life. It's my goal. I don't always complete things, but I'm always trying to "get where I'm going", and I'm trying to be better about manifesting (*angel choir*) my goals and desires. ... Dude, I'm totally going to get into my workbook today! Yes! But first, finish the blog post... And clear (*choir*) that off my list!
- Clearing: Clearing is another place I struggle. I kinda sorta maybe hoard things... a lot. It's not quite bad enough to be on TV, but it's close. I want to clear and be cleared--I function much better in a cleared space--I just.. struggle with it, you know? Like the sudden urge to go buy one of these awesome brooms they sell downtown... yeah. It must be resisted, especially since I already own one... it's just at work.
- Preparation: Autumn's a time to harvest, finish one's work, clear the fields and prepare them for the time of rest. It's the final stage and the first stage and another one I've struggled with. (You'd think I'd hate a time that symbolizes all these things I have problems doing. Apparently not!) I've seen time and again where a little preparation ahead of time would've put me in a much better position when the time came to act, and times when having done preparation made life so much easier! So it's a principle I love, I just need to work harder.
- Fresh pumpkin pie. It's gonna happen this year!
- The weather. Fog, crisp breezes, warm days, cool nights.
- Animals preparing for winter and thus out and about in search of food, like apples in my orchard.
- Orion. I have this weird obsession with the constellation of Orion, perhaps because when I was younger, it was so easy to pick out. Then I fell in love with archery. Whatever it is, every year I watch for the return of Orion and revel in his presence in the sky.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Mother Fast 3: Hope for Revelation
Since starting this journey, I've always felt like this would be a particularly important month. General Conference is in two weeks, General Relief Society in one, and it's kind of "go time", you know? Of course, I've also acknowledged that it might not happen this quickly.
But wouldn't it be amazing if it did!
So, please focus your prayers and intentions today on Church leaders, that they will be sensitive to our desire for knowledge and soon bring forth new revelation with regards to the nature, duties, and power of our Heavenly Mother, be it this Conference or in the coming months.
And go catch up on Daughters of Mormonism when you get the chance, if you haven't already. There's been some more really good stuff in the past few weeks!
But wouldn't it be amazing if it did!
So, please focus your prayers and intentions today on Church leaders, that they will be sensitive to our desire for knowledge and soon bring forth new revelation with regards to the nature, duties, and power of our Heavenly Mother, be it this Conference or in the coming months.
And go catch up on Daughters of Mormonism when you get the chance, if you haven't already. There's been some more really good stuff in the past few weeks!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A letter to my younger self
I went out Sunday night with my best friend to repeat a ritual we did that night ten years ago. We drove out to the coast and prayed for
our country and our fellow Americans. This night was less grief-stricken
and stunned by far, and we used the opportunity to catch up on our
lives. Before we prayed and after we prayed, we discussed the way the
world was ten years ago and how it had changed. Then we talked about
what we would say to our 19 and 18 year old selves, if we were to
magically run into them. We decided to write it down. Here's mine.
Dear younger Jena,
I am you in ten years, and I have some things to tell you. I know you, and I know that sometimes you're very good at taking suggestions to heart, and sometimes you're very resistant; you want to make your own way and your own mistakes in certain matters. However, this is me you're hearing from, not some random adult who has "been there". I know you, and I know what I would have done differently.
First of all, stop worrying so much about boys. At the very least, give it an honest try. I know you're hormonal (even if you will not admit it) and lonely and you want to be loved, and taken in, and cherished, and move forward with the life you think you've been told you need to make. I'm still single, and it has taken me until the past few months to be 95% okay with that. I still want to get married and have children--throw the idea of having a dozen right out the window; you don't have the wherewithal for that--but I've spent a lot of years delaying the life I could have had as a single woman because I did not have the life I wanted as a married one. Gavin, Troy, that Swedish dude, and whatever other silly lads you're clinging to so fervently in your heart will never, ever make you happy. They will bring you only pain, and in fact you will largely forget about them by the time you're my age.
Speaking of forgetting, go to your doctor and get yourself on that medication you've been resisting. Just get it over with and move on. I've explored a lot of options in the past decade and nothing has worked. Believe me when I say that one teeny pill in the morning when you wake up for the rest of your life is a lot easier (and less expensive!) than 20 supplements that you have to remember throughout the day "for 6-18 months". Accept your reality, work with it, and move forward.
And for the love of yourself and all other things holy and good, lose weight! Stop whining about feeling unattractive and do something about it! You're about 250; I'm about 100 lbs heavier. You have energy and tons of discretionary time. Go to the gym. Ride a bike. Go back to riding horses. (Seriously, make the time for it. You are not "too busy", you're just too lazy.) Take up swimming. You are a beautiful person at any size, but if you do nothing now, you will spend most of your 20s lamenting how ugly you feel and how little attention you get from men. Also, you'll just generally feel better and happier: truly happier and more self-confident.
Listen to your instincts more and be kind to yourself. You have an almost limitless capacity for compassion and kindness, but you will meet (and already know) certain people whom all the love, compassion, and kindness in your heart will do nothing to save them from disaster. You already know who they are, or you will know them when you meet them. Love them, pray for them, but you deserve to keep your own energetic integrity of heart and spirit. They will damage you and drain you if you let them. You might almost marry one of them, and the trauma of that will stay with you for years. You can say no to people, and sometimes you should. Bry turns out okay. He was one of the great successes of your compassion because you were proactive.
Listen to your instincts more and be passionate. You have a rich internal life of things you want to do, things that interest you. You won't be ready for some of them for several years yet, but keep hold of those dreams. Those desires are good and they will add depth and beauty to your life and your faith when their time comes. Make a better study of herbalism. Make yourself a Wisdom in truth and not just spirit.
Listen to your instincts more and be brave. Fear has held you back from a lot of great things. Be more adventurous. Cultivate more healthy friendships. Try not to imagine that you might marry the guys, though I know that will be a challenge. Treasure the friendships with those that build you up, and be willing to let go of the ones that break you down (see first instinct paragraph.) There will come times when that break will steer you in the direction you need to go and you'll be healthier for it.
The choice whether to go on a full-time mission or not is entirely yours. I can't say what will happen if you do, because I did not. It put me on a very different path than where I would have been, but it has also been a very good one. I don't know how the timing would have worked out if I had gone, but the life I have is very good and I love my work. Sometimes I wish I had gone and wonder where I'd be. The choice is yours. Don't let others pressure you one way or the other. Listen to your instincts and the Spirit.
Learn how to not spend money, how to spend it wisely when you do, and how to save it. Get a part-time job while you're in school and learn how to work for someone else, even if/when you hate it. Take some business classes at the college. Learn to write a business plan and implement it. Your independence will almost certainly drive you toward self-employment. Spend and save wisely, and any large monetary gifts should be put into savings, a Certificate of Deposit, or otherwise used only in the service of moving your life forward, rather than in maintaining the status quo. In spite of the hassle of having to drive to the next town over--because your town won't get one until 2010--credit unions are worth the effort. Prepare to buy a post-2000 car with high mpgs and decent cargo space in a few years. Invest in precious metals.
Take Dead Poets Society more seriously. Carpie diem! Seize the day! Make your life extraordinary! Get an apartment with your best friend. Save up and go on road trips. Drive up and down the West Coast. Drive across the country. Go to Ireland and Europe. See more of the world while you have the resources. Learn to dance and to garden and to cook and keep singing.
In about seven to eight years, there will be a mole on Mom's back that will start itching a lot. Make her take it to the doctor and have it removed early. Listen to your instincts.
Pull back from the internet and live outside your chair. Draw, paint, and write. Read more. Emerson, Thoreau, Austen, Tolkein, and Lewis. Expand your sphere of knowledge and improve your mind. Take up speech and debate; I know you have an aversion to it because of Ben, but he's a jerk anyway and you have a gift for expression and thinking that merits refinement. Cultivate yourself like a garden, and start pulling down the walls that keep you secret. You may be lonely or you may find love, but that isn't the point. Heaven knows, that's not the point! The point is... whether you find love or not, you have to live with yourself. Now or later, you are your constant companion. Make yourself the best companion you can have.
Listen to your intuition and your instincts. Learn to work and how to manage money. Cultivate wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Be insane with courage. Explore. Make good friends and don't be afraid to let go of ones who will hurt you. Be prepared for heartache, because it will come and it can be horrible, but it is a vehicle for change and progression; it will help you grow and take you where you need to be. Be kind to others and spread the love of Christ you feel within you. I've answered Sister Fish's question for myself; I'm still here after all these years, and I'm still in love with my faith, though I've gone through a lot of changes, too. Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid. You are equal to the tasks ahead of you.
Love always,
Jena, 2011
Kind of like a Matriarchal blessing from myself. If only I could send it back. Then again, how do you balance "What you go through makes you who you are" and "I would do anything not to have gone through that"? Such is life, I suppose. I should start taking my advice now before I'm 39.
Dear younger Jena,
I am you in ten years, and I have some things to tell you. I know you, and I know that sometimes you're very good at taking suggestions to heart, and sometimes you're very resistant; you want to make your own way and your own mistakes in certain matters. However, this is me you're hearing from, not some random adult who has "been there". I know you, and I know what I would have done differently.
First of all, stop worrying so much about boys. At the very least, give it an honest try. I know you're hormonal (even if you will not admit it) and lonely and you want to be loved, and taken in, and cherished, and move forward with the life you think you've been told you need to make. I'm still single, and it has taken me until the past few months to be 95% okay with that. I still want to get married and have children--throw the idea of having a dozen right out the window; you don't have the wherewithal for that--but I've spent a lot of years delaying the life I could have had as a single woman because I did not have the life I wanted as a married one. Gavin, Troy, that Swedish dude, and whatever other silly lads you're clinging to so fervently in your heart will never, ever make you happy. They will bring you only pain, and in fact you will largely forget about them by the time you're my age.
Speaking of forgetting, go to your doctor and get yourself on that medication you've been resisting. Just get it over with and move on. I've explored a lot of options in the past decade and nothing has worked. Believe me when I say that one teeny pill in the morning when you wake up for the rest of your life is a lot easier (and less expensive!) than 20 supplements that you have to remember throughout the day "for 6-18 months". Accept your reality, work with it, and move forward.
And for the love of yourself and all other things holy and good, lose weight! Stop whining about feeling unattractive and do something about it! You're about 250; I'm about 100 lbs heavier. You have energy and tons of discretionary time. Go to the gym. Ride a bike. Go back to riding horses. (Seriously, make the time for it. You are not "too busy", you're just too lazy.) Take up swimming. You are a beautiful person at any size, but if you do nothing now, you will spend most of your 20s lamenting how ugly you feel and how little attention you get from men. Also, you'll just generally feel better and happier: truly happier and more self-confident.
Listen to your instincts more and be kind to yourself. You have an almost limitless capacity for compassion and kindness, but you will meet (and already know) certain people whom all the love, compassion, and kindness in your heart will do nothing to save them from disaster. You already know who they are, or you will know them when you meet them. Love them, pray for them, but you deserve to keep your own energetic integrity of heart and spirit. They will damage you and drain you if you let them. You might almost marry one of them, and the trauma of that will stay with you for years. You can say no to people, and sometimes you should. Bry turns out okay. He was one of the great successes of your compassion because you were proactive.
Listen to your instincts more and be passionate. You have a rich internal life of things you want to do, things that interest you. You won't be ready for some of them for several years yet, but keep hold of those dreams. Those desires are good and they will add depth and beauty to your life and your faith when their time comes. Make a better study of herbalism. Make yourself a Wisdom in truth and not just spirit.
Listen to your instincts more and be brave. Fear has held you back from a lot of great things. Be more adventurous. Cultivate more healthy friendships. Try not to imagine that you might marry the guys, though I know that will be a challenge. Treasure the friendships with those that build you up, and be willing to let go of the ones that break you down (see first instinct paragraph.) There will come times when that break will steer you in the direction you need to go and you'll be healthier for it.
The choice whether to go on a full-time mission or not is entirely yours. I can't say what will happen if you do, because I did not. It put me on a very different path than where I would have been, but it has also been a very good one. I don't know how the timing would have worked out if I had gone, but the life I have is very good and I love my work. Sometimes I wish I had gone and wonder where I'd be. The choice is yours. Don't let others pressure you one way or the other. Listen to your instincts and the Spirit.
Learn how to not spend money, how to spend it wisely when you do, and how to save it. Get a part-time job while you're in school and learn how to work for someone else, even if/when you hate it. Take some business classes at the college. Learn to write a business plan and implement it. Your independence will almost certainly drive you toward self-employment. Spend and save wisely, and any large monetary gifts should be put into savings, a Certificate of Deposit, or otherwise used only in the service of moving your life forward, rather than in maintaining the status quo. In spite of the hassle of having to drive to the next town over--because your town won't get one until 2010--credit unions are worth the effort. Prepare to buy a post-2000 car with high mpgs and decent cargo space in a few years. Invest in precious metals.
Take Dead Poets Society more seriously. Carpie diem! Seize the day! Make your life extraordinary! Get an apartment with your best friend. Save up and go on road trips. Drive up and down the West Coast. Drive across the country. Go to Ireland and Europe. See more of the world while you have the resources. Learn to dance and to garden and to cook and keep singing.
In about seven to eight years, there will be a mole on Mom's back that will start itching a lot. Make her take it to the doctor and have it removed early. Listen to your instincts.
Pull back from the internet and live outside your chair. Draw, paint, and write. Read more. Emerson, Thoreau, Austen, Tolkein, and Lewis. Expand your sphere of knowledge and improve your mind. Take up speech and debate; I know you have an aversion to it because of Ben, but he's a jerk anyway and you have a gift for expression and thinking that merits refinement. Cultivate yourself like a garden, and start pulling down the walls that keep you secret. You may be lonely or you may find love, but that isn't the point. Heaven knows, that's not the point! The point is... whether you find love or not, you have to live with yourself. Now or later, you are your constant companion. Make yourself the best companion you can have.
Listen to your intuition and your instincts. Learn to work and how to manage money. Cultivate wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Be insane with courage. Explore. Make good friends and don't be afraid to let go of ones who will hurt you. Be prepared for heartache, because it will come and it can be horrible, but it is a vehicle for change and progression; it will help you grow and take you where you need to be. Be kind to others and spread the love of Christ you feel within you. I've answered Sister Fish's question for myself; I'm still here after all these years, and I'm still in love with my faith, though I've gone through a lot of changes, too. Don't be afraid.
Don't be afraid. You are equal to the tasks ahead of you.
Love always,
Jena, 2011
Kind of like a Matriarchal blessing from myself. If only I could send it back. Then again, how do you balance "What you go through makes you who you are" and "I would do anything not to have gone through that"? Such is life, I suppose. I should start taking my advice now before I'm 39.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Free gift, yay! (Updated)
So, I finally had the opportunity to get together with Heather for more than five minutes (we'd only met once before today) and she was kind enough to bring me a copy of Mother Wove the Morning. I've been meaning to get this book for ages.
I know what I'm doing tomorrow! Woo hoo!
UPDATE:
Wow, that book is so much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason. Granted, it's the content of a 90 minute play, but for some reason I was expecting it to be longer and I read it within about an hour.
It left me wanting so much more, in a very good way. I wanted it to go on I wanted to hear more stories, more women's voices. Some of the stories given are heartbreaking, some make you smile. All of them are beautiful. They illustrate--sometimes just too well--how much we have lost our Mother, and how much we need her and what Her absence has done to us.
Dryad is sending me the DVD soon (which I'll have to send on back to its original owner!) which is very exciting. I can't wait to see it. So yes, I highly recommend this book!
I know what I'm doing tomorrow! Woo hoo!
UPDATE:
Wow, that book is so much shorter than I thought it would be for some reason. Granted, it's the content of a 90 minute play, but for some reason I was expecting it to be longer and I read it within about an hour.
It left me wanting so much more, in a very good way. I wanted it to go on I wanted to hear more stories, more women's voices. Some of the stories given are heartbreaking, some make you smile. All of them are beautiful. They illustrate--sometimes just too well--how much we have lost our Mother, and how much we need her and what Her absence has done to us.
Dryad is sending me the DVD soon (which I'll have to send on back to its original owner!) which is very exciting. I can't wait to see it. So yes, I highly recommend this book!
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