The past few weeks have kind of been hell for me. I thought they were going to be fantastic and exciting. Instead, they peaked last night with a normally non-violent person clobbering the ever-loving crap out of her car visor and shattering the mirror she forgot existed.
I moved my business this week from the location I had been in for nearly three years. The new place is a huge blessing and I'm grateful, but this has stirred up a serious shitpile in my head and in my heart. From mis/lack-of-communication with my new business partner to stupid people at my part-time other job to change.... change, change, everywhere. Tattoos. Business moving and adjusting. I could use a new phone and I'm not eligible for another 5 months. Becoming a fill-in bridesmaid.
I have never done massage for another person one day in the past eight years... now I'm an independent contractor in a place I don't own, and that's weird.
And I miss Mom. I miss Mom so badly it burns. I had a slow meltdown although yesterday during work. Luckily it was at my part-time job and not during massage. The past few weeks, I've been drifting in this weird space of dormant spirituality, spiritual numbness. I didn't talk to Mom. I barely acknowledged Father and Mother outside of "Hi" and "Thank you." I felt virtually nothing coming back. All I have felt was a growing ambivalence about all things perky-happy-Mormon-y. Things I used to enjoy a couple years ago. Now there's just ambivalence and distance and anger and sorrow and pain. I even started to question my sexuality as I found myself yearning for female closeness and feeling disgruntled and disenfranchised by maleness in general. I even noticed that my recent blog posts have been overwhelmingly pissy. Then yesterday, a simple question that shouldn't have sent me reeling like a drunkard tipped me into a downward spiral and left me barely getting through my work day without wanting to rip a customer's head off. I wasn't really very safe to be behind the wheel getting home, either... I probably should not have been driving. Only by the grade of God did I get home in one piece without hurting anyone else.
It's kinda good in a way, though. I've been wondering why I wasn't mourning. Why wasn't I having to excuse my behavior because I missed my Mom? I'm a person with depressive tendencies, but I was generally happy as a clam and chugging toward a new phase of life. I guess I was just waiting for a catalyst to tip me over. It'll be interesting to see where things go from here... I might even blog about some happier things eventually. Hopefully we can all hang in there together.
Oh yeah. Mother Fast is this weekend. Go forth and fast and pray for Mother. I feel like I'll actually want to this month, finally.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for wanting to leave me a message. I hope you've found something I've said edifying, and you'll extend the same to me. Please be positive, I'm not here to argue, but rather to just have a place to write things that I find spiritually uplifting, or share my own ponderings on matters of faith. Thank you.