I've gone briefly "inactive" twice in my life. Both periods lasted for about six to eight weeks. That's hardly anything to some people and it really didn't feel very long at all to me, but both times it was enough to get me on the radar. I guess that speaks to people caring about me. How many people drop off the radar and no one says a peep? I'm deeply gratified and glad that people care about and want me. I know not everyone feels so blessed when their attendance wanes or stops altogether.
The past three months have been difficult. I've been to my singles ward all of three times since Mom died, including today. I only stayed for Sacrament meeting today because I had an engagement party to attend for an old friend who asked me to be her bridesmaid. I went to my sister's Ward last week, halfway across the state, to surprise her and her husband when they gave talks. I've been sort of attending church all along, though my strictitude in doing so has diminished considerably.
That doesn't mean I don't believe, though. I do.
I believe very strongly, even when I'm railing against patriarchy. I believe very strongly, even when I see malls built on the interest from investments made in part with my tithing money.* I believe very strongly, even when I feel like I can't get up in testimony meeting and proclaim my love for my Heavenly Mother and talk about how someday I believe women will see their power and authority recognized once again. I believe very strongly, even when I contemplate whether the institutional Church has lost its way, if Correlation is a form of apostasy and spiritual dictatorship, and if I really want to give my silent stamp of approval on "all of that" by continuing to show up. I believe very strongly, even when I feel disinclined toward being married in the temple, and contemplate how that meshes with elements of my Patriarchal Blessing. (Sealed? Yes. Married? That's a whole other post.)
For any and all of my weird, fringe-y diversions from what's scripted as "the Mormon norm", I still believe. It's not just my religion, it's my personal cosmology to believe that there's more than just this life, that there's something beyond death, and that an afterlife without progression is... pointless. It's my personal ethics and morality to "believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, and in doing good to all" people. I see what we generally call "Mormonism" as something bigger than and encompassing Mormonism, Islam, Christianity, Judaism, Buddhism, Paganism, preJudaism... -ism -ism -ism... preMosiac law... prePatriarchy, back to and beyond any literal or figurative Adam and Eve. Mormonism is just a title that got slapped on it in modern times, under modern circumstances by people that hate(d) those that believe in it. What's a better term for it? Saintism? Elohimity? What can one call this tapestry that stretches back through unknown generations of exalted mortals, and spreads forward through countless more where--upon the great glowing pattern--the thread of Divine Grace spells "Love One Another"?
I don't know. I don't know what it is, but it is what I believe. That's what I hope I'll always believe, whether I sit in nature or a pew.
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*At least that's the source of City Creek's finances that I've heard. I could be wrong, and I welcome correction if I am. I do want to have my facts straight.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
1 comment:
Thank you for wanting to leave me a message. I hope you've found something I've said edifying, and you'll extend the same to me. Please be positive, I'm not here to argue, but rather to just have a place to write things that I find spiritually uplifting, or share my own ponderings on matters of faith. Thank you.
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I love what you have to say here. I've also wondered what the pre-pre religion is called--the one before Deuteronomy. I've heard Enochian or Abrahamic, but I think it goes even further back than that. I think of the beauty and symbolism of the Garden of Eden and how it was where the plan was introduced. How to turn that into a ism or entity....Edenism? Edenity?
ReplyDeleteOh, I like Edenity. It reminds me of infinity and identity, which if you think about the purpose of the plan of salvation, it fits. Everything, all the reasons, ultimately tie back to that infinite/eternal identity and potential that we have as children of divine parents.