Speaking of Christ

I've spoken a lot about Mother, about Eve, about feminism, and a little bit about gays and Paganism.  I haven't spoken much about Christ, though, unless it's to rant about something being un-Christlike.  (I see some irony there.)

I started this post before Christmas, and the holidays and birth (Yay, new niece!) and sickness and stress got in the way of finishing it.  Also, I've just had a hard time thinking about it.  I've become very disconnected in my spirituality the past several months, partially as a factor of growing pains during my expansion, but also because I stopped doing regularly a lot of the things that made me feel connected.  As much as I talked and thought about simply expanding my Mormonism with Paganism rather than replacing, I made a good subconscious run at replacing and ran straight into a wall.  There wasn't enough Christ in my Pagan exploration, and it left me feeling drained.  Today, I feel that I have--at least--put a cork in the bottom of my spiritual bucket.  For the first time in a while, it felt really good to go to church.

I believe in Christ, but I sometimes have a hard time with it, or with believing Him, believing the Gospel, believing in grace and unconditional love and Heavenly Parents and eternity and progression.  This is even while I'm contemplating the merit of multiple mortal probations (reincarnation, to most people.)  I guess I just get to feeling like it's too good to be true, even if I want it to be.  It's too good to happen to me, so I'd better work my butt off to get a seat on the train.  Or something.  It's a little neurotic, a little Air, but that's me, I suppose.  So, I've been contemplating grace, and it's role in the Gospel.  It's huge, enormous role that we tend not to talk about because we're very focused on obeying the commandments to raise up a righteous people and following the prophet(s) because these are spiritually hazardous times.  And I've been contemplating my place in the world, in the cosmos, in the everything of everything.  It's been rather overwhelming,  This is all while Mom's finishing radiation and I'm sick and my friends are having their various crises and doubts right along with me and... I really know how to overload myself!

Anyway, but I do believe.  I do have faith.  It's that faith that keeps me going, keeps me plugging along, keeps me saying, "I have no idea what's going on, but I know this must work some way or another."   And today I found that the balance point--for me, as far as I can tell--is closer to home than I thought it might be.  I am happy being Mormon.  I am happy with the Gospel.  Sure there are inequalities and policies that suck and practices that people don't like and the Church is not perfect.  The Prophet and Apostles and others aren't perfect, no matter how much we think they should be.  It is possible we may even be massively, horribly off-track in many ways as a people.  Look at ancient Israel, or the Nephites.  We're no better..  I asked myself today, though, whether I still believe Christ is at the Head of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.  And I found that my answer is yes.  I still believe this Church not only bears His name, but also answers to Him.  I don't know why the Church isn't going in every direction I think it could or should go, why it isn't doing the things that many people think it ought, but I also don't know why I'm not married with children right now.  Actually, I do know why, but it's a very recent discovery/understanding.  It took me a decade to get here, and that's just my one little life, not millions across the world.   I don't know why X-Y-Z, but what I do know, as well and as deeply as I can, is that I believe in a man named Yeshua who lived some 2,000 years ago in a region not much larger than mine, on the other side of the planet.  He had a beautiful, wise, contemplative mother named Mary and a gentle, just father figure named Joseph.  He lived a simple and faultless life and shed his body in a horrible death upon a cross, after suffering the pains of the world in a garden, and took it up again in a tomb.  He is my Savior and Redeemer, the one who teaches me how to be better than I am, and comforts me when I find that I'm still myself at the end of the day.  He accepts my imperfections and teaches me to accept them too.  He lives, and he appears in many ways to those who are open to seeing him.  I believe I will see Him, whether in the flesh, in this life, at his Second Coming, or beyond the veil to take up my own body again someday.

There's more to the story, of course there is, but this is what important right here, in this post.  Wherever else I go, whatever else I do, this is home for my heart, my faith in Christ, my belief in this Gospel, and even my dedication to this Church.  It isn't perfect, not at all, but then again... it never has been, really.  Comings, goings, ups, downs, and pride cycles... they have always and will always happen among the people of God.  Every people.  And that's okay, because that's why there's a Plan.  And I can't let that go.

Oops! Fasting Fail

I totally meant to continue the Fast into the new year.  I meant to put up a blog post a couple days ago as a reminder.  In my defense, I have been very sick this week.  I made it all through the holidays and the birth of my niece (YAAAAAAAAAAAY!) and as soon as I left the hospital when my sister, brother-in-law, and niece got settled in, a big nasty cold hit me like a truck.  So that's my excuse.

I still think there's really a place for the Mother Fast, and a need for it.  I don't think I'm going to worry about it this month, though.  I'm not in any health situation that would tolerate fasting very well.  I suppose I could do a computer fast or something like that, though.

Anyway,  I'm not dead!  Just congested and a little headache-y.  I shall fast another time.

Happy New Year!

I know, a week late.  Whatever.  I'm not dead and the year is STILL new!  So Happy New Year!  It's a whole new one full of possibilities.

Not much to say this second--kinda tired, headed to bed--but I wanted to point this out to anyone who hasn't seen it.  If you could go face-to-face and ask Sister Beck, the General Relief Society President, anything, what would you ask?

Post it in the comments here, and it just MIGHT be asked!  I've already asked about Heavenly Mother, myself, but please feel free to do so, too.  Or ask any other question you have.

Cheers!

Merry Christmas

May you be with those you love.

If you cannot be with those you love, may you feel their love across whatever time or distance separates you.

If you cannot feel their love, may you have faith that it is there, regardless.

May we each feel the love of Jesus Christ and God the Mother and Father, and spread that love and light to those around us.

"The Guardians" ©Shiloh Sophia McCloud

Mother Fast 6: Moving forward

6. Collective willingness to find ways to move beyond patriarchy into more feminist and egalitarian paradigms in order to restore balance and honor the gifts of both sexes, mortal and Divine.

I don't know, I think that is pretty self-explanatory.   We all just need to move on, evolve, be better, be wiser, be kinder, be more balanced and inclusive and Christ-like.

It's a little strange to think that it has (only) been six months (already).  It seems like this Fast has been going on much longer, and yet it feels like it just began.  I've changed a lot in six months' time.  I've changed a lot in twelve months' time.  I'm a different person than I was a year ago, moreso than most years.

This blog has changed a lot in that time, too.  It started just as a place to jot down the spiritual stuff that didn't belong on my business blog.  Now I'm a practicing Pagan Mormon Feminist who publicly asks risky questions of General Authorities and fasts every month for the unveiling of Heavenly Mother.   Dang, 2011 has been a heck of a year.  I blame the Solstice Eclipse last winter.

Speaking of Solstice, this month's fast coincides with the local Pagan community's gathering.  This will be my first time being able to attend one since I first heard of them from a friend, and I'm dragging Dryad (who has an awesome new post up, which you should go read) along with me.  My hope is that it will be all Goddess-y and dance-y and inspiring and such.

Enjoy your fasting, friends and siblings!  May we each commit ourselves in the coming year to be more truly Christ-like to those around us.

Had to post it

My name is Jena, and I'm a Morgan

Copyright Doreen Virtue, Ph.D.

This post has been percolating in my head for a few months and I'm still not sure what I want to say.  It sat as a draft for three weeks before I hit Publish.  The subject feels weighty; it is weighty.  I run the risk of making myself out to be more of an "extremist" than when I came out as a feminist.  Still, feminism felt like a more drastic coming out.  Maybe I'm becoming more used to being weird.  Maybe it's because the term "Morgan" doesn't mean anything to most people.  It didn't mean anything to me until about a month ago.  I knew what I was, but I didn't have a label for it.

A Morgan is a Mormon Pagan.

In a way, this is a post has no point, except to add another label to a person who generally hates labels.  I could still just as easily say "I'm a Mormon". because pretty much everything Pagan about me is Mormon about me, just perhaps with a little different language or nomenclature. (So why am I making a post about it?  Because I can!  And it's good to record my process.)

• I respect and honor Creation
• I believe in a Divine Mother as well as a Divine Father
• I believe in the existence of multiple deities (^Duh)
• I believe we shouldn't cause harm to others and if we do, it will come back to us.
• I send my desires out for answer and do my best to believe they will be answered (though at times I struggle with believing I'm worth it, but that's another thing altogether)
• I appreciate the use of high ritual and ceremony in worship
• I believe in the support and ministrations of unseen beings of power and goodness from beyond the veil

I guess "Pagan-flavored Mormon" is technically more accurate.  Either way, I don't consider the two systems to be essential conflicting.  In some particulars?  Yes.  But in philosophical essences?  No. 

It's a little weird, really.    I mean, Mormons are basically the Pagans of the Christian world; meanwhile, many traditional Christian practices come from integrating elements of Paganism to help assimilate populations to the faith.  It's really not that big of a deal.  People get freaked out because of aspersions cast upon Pagan traditions over the centuries, and equate it with Satanism.  They aren't the same thing, though.  Paganism is nature-based.   Pagans don't even believe in the existence of Satan, much less worship him.

In spite of all these things, I still hesitate to really "out" myself more.  My Facebook profile does list my religious views as "Pagan-flavored Mormon: Loving the Earth. Seeking my Mother alongside my Father and my Savior. Observing cycles, seasons and Sabbats. Embracing truth. Keeping my temple recommend. It's not as crazy or difficult as you think."  No one has commented, so I don't know if anyone has noticed.

Then there's this post that I may or may not be brave enough to display in the view of my Ward members.  It's that hesitation, because of the bad connotations surrounding Paganism.  And then there's the feeling like I'm "too Mormon, not Pagan enough" or "too Pagan, not Mormon enough" to suit those on either side who would judge me, rather than extending compassion and acceptance.  The pressure I feel to conform to one or the other is tremendous.  It might be self-imposed, but if I'm completely honest, I do not trust everyone I know not to judge me for one or the other.  It's discouraging.

Still.  When it comes down to it, Paganism has made me a better Mormon.  Lighting a candle while I pray makes me feel more focused and keeps my mind from wandering so much.  Adding ritual elements to my day-to-day makes me feel more connected with God.  Is it "critical to my salvation" to smudge with sage or sweetgrass to "clear my space"?  No, but I don't think it hurts, and it makes my faith rituals feel more intentional.  I miss that in mainstream Mormonism.  I feel like we've had some of the beauty scrubbed out of our general practice.  Incense and oil were burnt in the ancient temples of Isreal to purify and sanctify the space and to lift prayers to Heaven.  Ornamentation and artwork in our regular church buildings is minimal, and while I don't think we need to go anywhere near Baroque cathedrals, I don't usually find our facilities more beautiful than functional.  With the exception of temples, I really don't find anything inspiring about the form of most of our facilities in and of themselves.  We've become so much about practicality and uniformity in modern times.  Things like beauty in architecture and adornment, scent, sound... we rarely use more of our physical senses than sight and hearing in our services and rituals, and I think that makes our correlated practices... sterile.  Homogenized.  Pasteurized.  Devitalized.  Boring.  Uninspiring.

Anyway.  For me, bringing in these new elements has given my faith vitality again in a time when I desperately need it.  It makes it easier for me to feel like I'm in touch with Divine power, like I can receive revelation and inspiration, be guided and protected.  I feel a little bit more spiritually alive, and I crave that.  I have always craved it.

It's not the way for everyone, and I understand that.  That's okay.  Frankly, neither is being ultra-orthodox.  Different people have different spiritual needs, and anyone willing can come to Christ and accept the Savior, though their needs be different.  He did come to learn to succor us all, not just the Mollys and Peters.  This is my personal need and my expression.  I don't expect anyone to join me, though I'm eternally grateful for those who do.  There are small numbers of us.  I am blessed with three in particular, my sisters, my Coven.  We're all on this crazy, crunchy, Earth-loving, Christ-following, Mother-seeking, covenant-keeping, recommend-maintaining, ritual-doing Morgan path together.

So yeah.  I'm a Morgan.  A Pagan-flavored Mormon or a Mormon-flavored Pagan.  Some people are going to disagree with that.  I can't help it.  I can't help it if they may even be in my own family.  But I'm using this Pagan side of me to improve the quality of my Mormon side.

Detail of the Nauvoo Temple - Source: Illinois in Focus

I still believe in the Godhead, though I also admit Mother to it in my own mind.  I believe in the Atonement.  I sustain the Prophet and leaders as men and women called of God.  I am chaste, almost to a fault.  My family relationships are loving and non-abusive.  I do not associate with organizations or individuals who preach or practice contrary to the Gospel--this being the sticking point in this whole journey, and the purpose of this post: My Paganism augments my Mormonism, it does not oppose it.  I strive to keep my covenants, stay active in the Church, and be a good person.  I am honest.  I pay my tithes.  I obey the Word of Wisdom.  I wear my garments.  I feel worthy to enter the temple.  I am worthy.

I am unorthodox.  But I am worthy.