Life has been and continues to be difficult of late. January and February were very hard, financially. (Note to self: Don't take an "extravagant" trip to Vegas right before your worst two months of the year.) I made it through only by the grace of God, angels, and a bare handful of clients. Now that March is looking up, financially, I am entering the hardest nine weeks of this first year.
By this time a year ago, we knew that Mom was going to go home. The nine weeks that followed until after her memorial were fraught with mixed emotions, both difficult and precious. This is the final round of Firsts. We survived the first holiday season, the first birthdays, the first summer... It has to get better from there, right? We'll get used to feeling a little lost without her, used to regretting the conversations we never had, used to overcoming the impulse to cry, and used to wishing she was around.
Often time it feel like I'm chest deep in manure. I can still breathe and speak and move my arms about; and there's flowers growing all around me, beautiful and brightly colored, with heady perfumes that make me happy and mask the stench of shit. It makes it easier to endure, gives me reasons to be grateful, even if it doesn't change to the fundamental nature of the situation. I find myself grieving more than just my mother's death these days. I grieve many things. There's a lot to hold space for, and sometimes it doesn't feel like there's enough space to hand space in.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Thank you for wanting to leave me a message. I hope you've found something I've said edifying, and you'll extend the same to me. Please be positive, I'm not here to argue, but rather to just have a place to write things that I find spiritually uplifting, or share my own ponderings on matters of faith. Thank you.