Work and Glory

I'm (slowly; it's overwhelming and kicking my butt) making my way through a book called Heart of the Visionary: A Workbook to Empower Women's Work.  The section about money kicks off with a poem called "Mama Goes to Market", and it has been floating around in my head for a few days.  The woman is a mother and an entrepreneur, she is wise and discerning, decisive, joyful, personable, and prepared for her work.  In turn, she attracts customers like herself, and merchant and buyer both are blessed with abundance by each other.  This is the kind of life I want to live, to lead, and the kind of life I struggle to build.

This morning, I met the infant son of one of my chiropractors, whom she had brought to work, and he had been sleeping in a back room.  There she was, working outside the home, yet mothering at the same time, just like the woman merchant in the poem.

This is a matter I've struggled with for many years.  At times when my business has rebooted (practically every year...) I've told myself I'm too busy working to date... not that men have been busting down my door!  Hey, it gave me an excuse (albeit potentially controversial in LDS culture) not to be getting on with the whole settle-down-and-make-babies business, since that wasn't happening anyway.  I could have a reason.  Well, I gave it up as a "reason" a few years ago and have grudgingly embraced that I'm just not dating and getting married and making babies.  It just ain't happening.  (I mean that in the present tense, not the present-future "I've made a decision that it's not what I'm going to do" sense.)  It'll happen eventually, I'm confident, but for right now... nil.  So, I have a job, and it's pretty much my life.  It is my husband/lover and my baby all wrapped up together.  I have drawn the line at two for my cat collection, so I needed something else to love and inject with my energy, clearly.  And I do love my job.  It is very satisfying  to see someone come out of my workroom with a smile and dropped shoulders.  I know that I've worked something good in them, and if I can't get the usual shot of oxytocin, I'll take that.

Thing is... it's not really a replacement or a placeholder anymore.  I've been planning for years that once I get married, maybe once I'm pregnant, I'll quit my job and settle in to be a stay-at-home-mom.  That's a rough goal in this area, but not impossible.  And having a predictable, safe, reliable parent presence is extremely, extremely important for children; I fully embrace that truth.  My hands would no longer be used to heal and help the grown, but the growing.  It is a noble thing, but I have been holding back on going all-out in my business because I don't want to "get in too deep" and then have to drop it if/when I get married.  Seven years later, look at all the good that did me!  Way to go, self!  I know we've been counseled to pursue education and careers and not count on getting married because some of us just don't, but by golly I had a written statement of intent from God in my Patriarchal Blessing!  It could happen any day!  Look how quickly I got engaged to my last boyfriend!  (The creep.)  Hope springs eternal!  Any. Day.

.... Yeah. *sigh*  Way to go, self.  Totally smart.

Anyway, all of that rambling to say, I was thinking about the poem earlier and a scripture came to mind.

Moses 1:39  "For behold, this is my work and my glory--to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man [and woman.]"

These are the Lord's work and glory... so what is my work?  What is my glory?   As I reflected on those questions, I got a lot of answers.  A lot of things came to mind.

Behold!  This is my work and my glory--To bring relief to the suffering and unload the burdens of the pained; To give comfort to the aching and bring joy to the sorrowed; to shelter the hurting and be a friend to those with need; to counsel the questioning and enlighten the asker.

This is my business.  This is my work.  This is my glory.  To be wise in learning and wise in teaching, to help bring to pass the health and vitality of those under my hands.

Is it the same thing we've always been told?  No.  Would I be okay with still working with massage and doulary and whatever else I choose after I'm a wife and mother?  Heck yes.  Will I find a way to make it work for me, my family, and my accountability to God?  Undoubtedly.  Am I a juicy woman and a liver of life?

;)

Transitions and dreams

A lot has changed in my life over the past three months and I feel like a ship on a strong wind.  That's a good thing, isn't it.  It means movement and progression.  It also means I don't need my anchor slowing me down.

I came back from Utah thinking I'd be really pushing forward with doulary, pregnancy massage, and infant massage.  Now I'm two months past my (already extended) deadline for turning in my CEIM packet.  I probably could throw it together and send it off this week.  I should.  I feel like that would be a wise thing to do.  It's one part of the whole, though.

I've come to a point where I'm trying desperately to simplify my life.  I work well with simplicity.  Too many things results in clutter and I get overwhelmed.  I do very well with relatively little, both in physical and mental categories.  For years I've been trying to do everything, be everything, put one egg in all my baskets and reap the benefits of diversity.  All I did was confuse and frazzle myself.  So I've given up on jewelry making, and I'm selling my tools and books.  I feel burnt out on issues of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, like I've been gleefully chasing a mirage, screaming, "I'm here, too!  Love me!  Embrace me!  I want to be a part of you!"  I want to say I just need a break, but I know that very often when I "take" a break, I really "make" a break.  Something leaves my life, other things move in and I usually move on.

So, I come to my dilemma.  I still love those things (doulary, breastfeeding, pregnancy massage, etc.) but I have come to realize that--as it was with jewelry--the amount of energy I was pouring into keeping those things in my life and trying to make something with them was not coming back to me.  I don't know if I've been "doing it wrong" or what, but the return on the resource investment was not coming back.  So I've decided to stop concentrating on them for now.  However, all my hopes, plans, and dreams have hinged on these things in one form or another for most of my adult life; whether it was my own childbearing (I honestly thought I would be married and having babies by now) or my work and career with childbearing women in massage and doulary, everything has hinged on that.  These things have been my anchor, and right now they feel like a drag.  I barely even attempt to market myself for pregnancy massage now because when it comes down to it, my strength is in relieving pain and problem solving, rather than pampering.  I know they're not mutually exclusive, but there's a line in there.

These things have been my anchor, my hope, my dream for so long... but now I feel like I have nothing.  No anchor but my hands, no hopes, no dreams, and no direction of my own.  On one hand, I want to cling to that and feel loss and wallow.  On the other, I want to just let it be what it is and let go and let the tides of life take me where they will.  I feel as though for once the destination isn't mine, it's God's, and I'm just along for the ride.  I've been on this desperate quest to fill my life, make it interesting and abundant and fulfilling... and plug up the gaping hole in what I really want because I apparently can't have it yet.  I eat, I work, I spread myself thin over a dozen different pursuits, and wear a dozen different hats to try and fill the void unfilled by a family of my own: a best friend and husband, our children, a home together.

I've been in this space so many times, I wonder if it's even worth writing a blog about; I just need to say it somewhere, let it out where someone can hear it.  No one can "fix" it; it's transition.  The only way out is on the other side.  Sympathy irritates me.  Encouragement bothers me, except from a couple select sources.  I don't want to be coddled, I just want to be heard.

***UPDATE almost two weeks later***

I'm still in transition.  Getting things said, even to myself without yet sharing this, helped me navigate the pain and move through it.  Sounds familiar!

Birth and such hasn't been really big for me lately and right now I think I'm okay with that.  I'm taking a break.  I am pruning back my options so that I can focus my energy into manifesting new growth and new life.  Now, I just need to decide what it is I want and need to manifest.  Oh the journey!

Mysterious ways

I had a really tender, exceptional experience earlier this week in being used by the Lord as a tool in His purposes.  Perhaps not coincidentally, I had just read this post over at The Gift of Giving Life, and I feel like I was primed for it.

I had just finished a massage on Tuesday when I decided to linger after work and meditate.  I was parked on Main in one hour parking, but I knew that the meter maid is not that diligent to come back around anywhere close to an hour, if she was out, and was unworried about a ticket.  I needed the time to contemplate my business, to think about my location, my future there, and whether there might be a better place or way, and how I can start working to live, rather than living to work.  I was there until about three, and I left to go peer in the window of an open suite just upstairs and contemplate its merits.  (Pro: I'd have TONS of room for retail and even classes.  Con: I don't need that much space, and I'm certain it's ridiculously expensive.)  I came back downstairs, still feeling a need for alone time.  I checked my tires for chalk marks and went next door to Milk & Honey to order a drink and sit in their Goddess Lounge to contemplate.

I admit, I felt a little weird at first for seeking divine inspiration in there, but I decided to accept that it was a quiet(ish) space with much inspiring art and good intentions and I settled in to think.  I started to write and what came out was a beautifully affirming prose poem that truly felt like guidance.  I finished my drink, got up and decided to linger a little more and make sure there was nothing else I wanted before leaving.  I stayed maybe ten minutes, paid my tab and walked out just after 4.

I got in my car, looked up... and there was a ticket on my windshield.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I got out, picked it up and was looking for the chalk time when I heard a voice behind me.  A complete stranger had come up and said she'd seen the entire thing and was willing to vouch for me that I didn't deserve the ticket.  She was under the impression I hadn't been parked there that long (I'm not sure why, because I had), she had watched the ticket being written, and she wanted to write up a testimony for me to fight it.  Well okay then!  I took a picture of my un-chalked tires, and followed her into the salon where we exchanged information, and she--upon seeing my business card--decided to schedule a massage for the next morning, and she would bring her witness statement.

The next morning, as I'm going through the massage, I mention something and somewhat randomly she asks if I have children.  I say no, that I haven't found the right man to have them with.  She said she was sure I'd find someone wonderful, then asked a minute later if I went to church.  I said yes, and mentioned that I've been going to a "singles congregation" for almost a decade.  She paused and blurted out in a surprised voice, "Are you Mormon?"  I said I was, and she told me that she was a "non-practicing Mormon."  Well!  That was a surprise.

What followed was a conversation about how she had come into the church through her previous marriage, but she had lost her testimony through some dark times and hard experiences.  However, after about eight years, she was at a point where she was really thinking about coming back, just wanting to at least walk into a meeting and attend.  I told her she would know when she was ready, that the Lord knew her and knew what she was going through, what she had gone through, and He would be ready for her return.  She confided that this time in her life had been foretold in her Patriarchal blessing, but that it would end, and she would rise out of it.  She still strongly believed in that blessing.  Toward the end of the massage, she tearfully asked me to pass her information on the the missionaries.  I asked if she'd like to be on the temple prayer roll, and she agreed, gratefully.  She left afterwards, looking so happy and hopeful.  I called the missionaries a few hours later and passed on her information.  I haven't heard yet how it went, but I am hopeful, myself, and optimistic.

I feel very strongly that the Lord wants this daughter back.  There were 3 or 4 times when I could have made a different decision--gone home, moved my car, paid sooner--and I never would have been in the place to meet her.  I thought at first it was just the Lord delivering me a new client and some much needed money at the end of the month, but I have no doubt that what I received on Earth pales in comparison with the sweet experience and possibilities brought about through matters of Heaven.

To overflowing

The Lord dug deep until I was empty,
And I said, "Lo, I am a vessel.
Fill me."

Say

Say what you are or what you
have to offer and trust that it's enough
for others to find attraction--no elaborations
needed.  Trust simplicity.


Trust simplicity.

You work best within it. It
will care for you tenderly.

Garner Trust
Let it carry you.  It is strong
and its arms are reaching.

Trust that others
will be attracted
to what I have
to offer.
My heart is open and my hands
are kind.
It cannot be forced or faked
and can only be used
to heal.

A seed planted for "green" garments

The boring paragraph...
I know there are people out there who will be scandalized and possibly even offended by what I write below.  I'll confess: I'm almost one of them!  I don't think of myself as a pot stirrer (some might disagree), but I'm really working on fixing in my head the differences between "doctrine", "practice", and "policy".  (Thank you, Bishop McAdam!)  Given that, what follows is primarily an issue of policy and practice, the two out of the three with potential for change without blasphemy.  Any criticism contained below is meant to be constructive, for the betterment of the Saints and the world in which we live.  All right, disclaimer's over, let's move on.

"Green" garments
While in Utah back in February, Rachel and I went to the local Distribution Center because I was freezing cold all the time and wanted thermal garments.  While there, perusing the shelves, we got to talking about our mutual disappointment that there's really only one natural fiber option for garments, and that's a somewhat thick ribbed cotton.  Everyone I've heard from on them says they're hot, more like wearing an extra layer than the synthetics.  Rachel and I are both fairly "crunchy" California Saints with a love for alternative fibers, and we mused on how amazing a bamboo option would be.  Even a bamboo/cotton blend.  Highly renewable, biodegradable, cool, silky and comfortable.  Or a soft merino or alpaca wool in winter.  We wanted something comfortable and eco-conscious.

There are millions of Endowed Latter Day Saints in the world, all with (hopefully) at least two sets of garments, probably most with five to seven sets.  Like any clothing, garments wear out.  Once they've been "decommissioned", though, the fabric is just... fabric, and what do you do with it?  Dust rags?  Baby wipes?  Upcycled purses?  Hope much fabric ends up in the trash?  It's not like they can be sent on to Good Will or even Deseret Industries.  So the fabric ends up in a landfill and because most garments or made of synthetic fibers... they sit there.  And sit there.  Forever.  (Or at least several decades.)  That is such a waste.

There has to be a better way.

And there is!

Distribution Services wants feedback.  There's a link right at the bottom of every page that says "Feedback" with an e-mail address attached to it: feedback@store.lds.org.  So let's give them feedback this Earth Day!  Email Distribution between April 22nd and May 1st and request that they expand their fabric choices to include more natural and even post-consumer fibers.

Recycled polyester!  Hemp!  Ramie!  Wool!  Bamboo!  Linen!!!  (Very Old Testament.)
Fair trade and/or domestic sourcing.  Reduce the carbon footprint of production and distribution.

Nowhere in our holy writ does it say that modern sacred clothing can only be produced from petroleum products.  It is inexpensive, and inexpensive garments and ceremonial clothing has been a great boon for our people.  But what if we could have more choices, ones that would be good for our bodies, our spirits, our economies, and our Earth?  Our stewardship over this world is just as sacred and important as any other responsibility we have.  This is something worth telling those in charge that we want.

If this is something eve a little important to you, I encourage you to RSVP to this Facebook Event page started up by my friend, Heather, and share it with your friends.  Spread the word and help make this campaign successful.  Then go and write your e-mail!  I'll admit, we may not see an immediate change, or even one in the next few years, but maybe we will.  Either way, we'll have success even if we just get people to voice their desires for something sacred and respected that they live with every day.  The fabric selection is policy, and practice, not the eternal truth behind the article itself.  Policies and practices can and should change according to the needs of God's people.

Happy Earth Day! :)

A "mission" nearly completed: Two years at the Oakland temple

I started volunteering at the Oakland Temple on May 2nd, 2009.  I had been considering it for months since my former Bishop brought several of those Endowed in to ask if we could volunteer, by request of the Temple Presidency.  I hadn't been able to at that point, but after a little time, I was free enough in my work and life schedules.

I met with President and Sister Harwood, Counselor and an Assistant to the Matron in March after meeting with my Bishop and Stake President and receiving their recommendations.  I received my official call by letter and was set apart a week or two before beginning work on the Saturday Mid shift.  I was encouraged to work every week for a little while until I felt like I had everything down.  I did, and I learned quickly.  My supervisors and coordinators seemed pleased with my work.  As a volunteer it was fairly simple, mostly directing traffic and escorting people, being a Hostess in the House of the Lord.

I spent a lot of time in the position behind the recommend desk, acting as a second or third set of eyes to be certain that no one came through without having their recommend verified, welcoming and bidding farewell to patrons coming and going, and telling them how to get to the locker rooms or waiting rooms.  Occasionally I would escort couples and those receiving their Endowments to Record Verification, until it became apparent that it just didn't work during high volume periods to have my position absent even long enough to walk someone down the hall.  As my coordinator was muddling over this, I asked why there couldn't be two sisters, since we knew when people were coming in for their live ordinances (weddings, sealings, and endowments.)  She paused and mulled that over, and soon enough a new position specific to our shift was created.  I don't know if it's still going on, but for several months, at least, it very much freed up the original post from having to chase her duties around that hallway.

I became an Ordinance Worker after about eight or nine months.  I could have started sooner but for some reason, I hesitated.  Suddenly, being able to commit to four shifts per month seemed much harder to schedule, so I doubled up and joined the PM shift, which made for two very long, wonderful days every month.  I spent a lot of time in Initiatories, sometimes ending up there three and four times in a day, all told.  I loved it.  I had time to individually work with patrons and my fellow workers, and contemplate the deep and important promises given over the course of that ceremony.  I spent a good amount of time as a follower in Endowment sessions (while trying not to doze off... it's hard for workers, too!) and the ceremonies and rituals associated with them, but I didn't do that nearly as much as Initiatories.

I confess I always hoped I would meet my husband while working at the temple, but there's really not a lot of opportunity.  The men and women rarely really cross paths except in a few places and at certain times.  Most of the brethren were old and married.  I think I met about three in my age range, and usually from a distance and with little or no time to talk.  At this point I still have one day to do it, followed by a YSA conference, but other than that, there was no such reward.  So the search continues.

Over the past two years, I have made friends with women of many ages and enjoyed myself immensely, and learned, and grew, and received insight and inspiration.  I have been a Priestess to my God.  I am heartbroken to see this time come to an end, but I need to concentrate on my business and family matters here in Sebastopol.  I cannot really afford the time or the money anymore, not at this period in my life and the world.  I am optimistic that one day I will have such an experience again; whether married or single or old, here or elsewhere, I will serve in a temple once more.

My testimony has grown tremendously, and the reasons for my lifelong love of the temple have been made clear.  Growing up, I always sought for the first instant I could see it's white edifice in the distance, and would often crane my neck around to catch the last glimpse when I'd leave.  It has been a cornerstone in my life since childhood, and I know that the ordinances performed within can be binding and eternal to those who accept them through the Holy Spirit of Promise, both living and dead.  They are not things to be taken lightly, nor shared with the world.  They are sacred, holy, personal, and pure.  I respect and honor my covenants, the ones I have made with my God and helped thousands of others make, as well.  I love the temple, and I will miss being a Hostess and a Priestess of the Most High God.