A lot has changed in my life over the past three months and I feel like a ship on a strong wind. That's a good thing, isn't it. It means movement and progression. It also means I don't need my anchor slowing me down.
I came back from Utah thinking I'd be really pushing forward with doulary, pregnancy massage, and infant massage. Now I'm two months past my (already extended) deadline for turning in my CEIM packet. I probably could throw it together and send it off this week. I should. I feel like that would be a wise thing to do. It's one part of the whole, though.
I've come to a point where I'm trying desperately to simplify my life. I work well with simplicity. Too many things results in clutter and I get overwhelmed. I do very well with relatively little, both in physical and mental categories. For years I've been trying to do everything, be everything, put one egg in all my baskets and reap the benefits of diversity. All I did was confuse and frazzle myself. So I've given up on jewelry making, and I'm selling my tools and books. I feel burnt out on issues of pregnancy, birth, and motherhood, like I've been gleefully chasing a mirage, screaming, "I'm here, too! Love me! Embrace me! I want to be a part of you!" I want to say I just need a break, but I know that very often when I "take" a break, I really "make" a break. Something leaves my life, other things move in and I usually move on.
So, I come to my dilemma. I still love those things (doulary, breastfeeding, pregnancy massage, etc.) but I have come to realize that--as it was with jewelry--the amount of energy I was pouring into keeping those things in my life and trying to make something with them was not coming back to me. I don't know if I've been "doing it wrong" or what, but the return on the resource investment was not coming back. So I've decided to stop concentrating on them for now. However, all my hopes, plans, and dreams have hinged on these things in one form or another for most of my adult life; whether it was my own childbearing (I honestly thought I would be married and having babies by now) or my work and career with childbearing women in massage and doulary, everything has hinged on that. These things have been my anchor, and right now they feel like a drag. I barely even attempt to market myself for pregnancy massage now because when it comes down to it, my strength is in relieving pain and problem solving, rather than pampering. I know they're not mutually exclusive, but there's a line in there.
These things have been my anchor, my hope, my dream for so long... but now I feel like I have nothing. No anchor but my hands, no hopes, no dreams, and no direction of my own. On one hand, I want to cling to that and feel loss and wallow. On the other, I want to just let it be what it is and let go and let the tides of life take me where they will. I feel as though for once the destination isn't mine, it's God's, and I'm just along for the ride. I've been on this desperate quest to fill my life, make it interesting and abundant and fulfilling... and plug up the gaping hole in what I really want because I apparently can't have it yet. I eat, I work, I spread myself thin over a dozen different pursuits, and wear a dozen different hats to try and fill the void unfilled by a family of my own: a best friend and husband, our children, a home together.
I've been in this space so many times, I wonder if it's even worth writing a blog about; I just need to say it somewhere, let it out where someone can hear it. No one can "fix" it; it's transition. The only way out is on the other side. Sympathy irritates me. Encouragement bothers me, except from a couple select sources. I don't want to be coddled, I just want to be heard.
***UPDATE almost two weeks later***
I'm still in transition. Getting things said, even to myself without yet sharing this, helped me navigate the pain and move through it. Sounds familiar!
Birth and such hasn't been really big for me lately and right now I think I'm okay with that. I'm taking a break. I am pruning back my options so that I can focus my energy into manifesting new growth and new life. Now, I just need to decide what it is I want and need to manifest. Oh the journey!
