Courage vs. no fear

DANGER: Shockingness ahead.

What's so important, mousey?  Just wonderin'...

Were more true words ever spoken?  Maybe, maybe not.

To live a courageous life is indeed a wonderful and inspiring thing.  To pass through fear and come out victorious on the other side is the stuff of legends.

If courage is, then, the stuff of legends, is it pretentious to say that I want to live without fear?  I want to live, someday, without a fear through which to step.  This means I must either pluck up my courage now and experience what that fear is and overcome it... or give myself permission to let the fear go entirely.

What prompted this?  A lot of things.  For one, I'm getting a tattoo in a week.  That's right, I'm going to permanently spray paint on the temple!  I'll write about that later, though, only the fact of it is what matters here, and the sheer amount of trepidation I've experienced as I've come to this decision and have been working through my fears.  I fear the stigma, reproach, disapproval, but I'm going to do it anyway.  I'm going to admit that tattoos can be gorgeous artwork, and I envy people that sport gorgeous artwork.  I'm going to admit that my trepidation is wise, given its permanence, and admit that at the same time, a lot of that trepidation, that fear, was conditioned into me because I desire approval and love and this will not earn either from the majority of people that matter to me the most.

Secondly, I've been reading a fabulous, amazing book with a shocking, offensive title; arguably, its title is the most shocking and offensive word in the English language, so consider yourself warned of that before you click this link... or get over it.  I have.  This book is changing my life and the way I view my womanness.

Thirdly, I have carried a LOT of fear around with me throughout my entire life, and that shit's gotta stop.  It's gotta stop, and I am going to make it stop.  I want to live a life of no fear and I have a lot more control over that happening than I've been led to believe, either by my culture, my family, or my own damn self.

Fourthly, pursuant to the third item, I was reading the book in the second item, and thinking "I claim to be Like Unto Eve, whose archetype is all about the pursuit of knowledge and progression in spite of reprimand or fear.  I should blog more about this journey.  I'll need a new tag.  Hmm... 'fearless pursuit of knowledge'? 'Courageous pursuit of...'  What's the difference?  Courage is not the absence of fear, but... I want the absence of fear.  ... I should blog about this."

And so it comes full circle.  Welcome to my brain!  I'm back!

My first day back

Oh, where to start.  Last week, I guess I'll start with last week.  No, March.  Back in March, just after we found out that the cancer had returned, I told my Bishop that I'd be basically ducking out of my Ward, that I wasn't ready to move back to my family Ward, that I needed the ties to my peer group.  So, with the exception of the Sunday just after Mom died, I really hadn't been to church in about two and a half months.  Last week, during the third hour, Ward members teamed up and went out to visit people who had been designated inactive or less active.

Guess who got visited!  I almost went to church that day, too.  I was awake in time to get up and go, but I decided to sleep instead.  I'd been working my doula magic at a birth Saturday morning, 90 miles away, and over Friday and Saturday I was awake close to 40 hours.  I got in enough dozing to make it safe to drive home, but not enough to count as rest.  Sleep and food took priority that day over Fast and Testimony meetings, and so I got a visit from two dear friends and a guy I recognized but to whom I had never said more than three words.  And a plate of cookies.

For those not familiar with the nature of a YSA Ward in a college town, turn over is super high.  Around here, there's a core of people who grew up in the area, but the membership generally changes every 3-5 months, so not having seen someone in that time is decent reason to consider them "inactive".  Coupling that with my notification to the Bishop, I don't blame them for coming to see me.  Plus, making sure people are doing okay is kind of important.

After all of that, I felt I should probably make the effort and go to church.  I got up, got myself there just in time to catch the sacramental bread out in the foyer, went in and sat down in all readiness to hear a good message... and the first speaker opened his talk with a recounting of his recent diagnosis of and surgery for malignant melanoma.

Welcome back!  Let's trigger a panic attack!

I ran out of the room, hyperventilating and found myself sobbing on the foyer couch, covering my face and unable to stop.  I don't blame the investigator standing out there for not approaching me, but I was a little dismayed by the (presumably) seasoned married couple whose feet I saw through my fingers, strolling past me in silence.  Thanks for checking on the clearly distraught sister sobbing right in front of you, folks!  Have a great Sabbath!  The Sister missionaries came and checked on me, as did the EQP and one of the other girls in the Ward, so I wasn't alone, and I did calm down enough after a few minutes to go to the restroom and clean myself up... only to find myself sobbing uncontrollably and taking refuge in the Mother's Room so my wailing wouldn't echo throughout the whole building.  I was in there for the remainder of the hour, finally feeling all right to emerge for Sunday School.

I sort of wished I hadn't.  We were studying the end of Mosiah and the start of Alma in the Book of Mormon, which is the section where the Nephites are setting up their representative-democratic-theocracy.  This is an understandably popular form of government for a lot of American Mormons, especially of a right-leaning philosophy, because it's similar enough to our own government, plus the piety of being based on God's laws.  Huzzah!  Therefore, political comments were ripe for the plucking and the soap boxes were occupied.  Not Huzzah.  At one point, I couldn't shut up any longer and I steered the rhetoric straight to, "we need to love, serve, and see people the way Jesus would."  I can't stand political commentary in church anymore.  It makes me want to tear out my hair.  By the way, has anyone noticed that we always study the Book of Mormon during Presidential election years?

Relief Society was fairly innocuous, just a lesson on studying the scriptures.  I did feel that I should make a better effort with my lately-lax scripture study, but I tuned out most of the lesson while I tried to download the manual from Amazon to my Kindle.  (Don't do it.  Wrong book.  $10.41 wasted.  Yay for refunds.)   Afterward, I stayed to practice a choir song I won't be in church on the 24th to perform.  However, it was fun and it felt good.

All in all.... a difficult day.  Welcome back, Jena.  Things have changed!