This post has been percolating in my head for a few months and I'm still not sure what I want to say. It sat as a draft for three weeks before I hit Publish. The subject feels weighty; it is weighty. I run the risk of making myself out to be more of an "extremist" than when I came out as a feminist. Still, feminism felt like a more drastic coming out. Maybe I'm becoming more used to being weird. Maybe it's because the term "Morgan" doesn't mean anything to most people. It didn't mean anything to me until about a month ago. I knew what I was, but I didn't have a label for it.
A Morgan is a Mormon Pagan.
In a way, this is a post has no point, except to add another label to a person who generally hates labels. I could still just as easily say "I'm a Mormon". because pretty much everything Pagan about me is Mormon about me, just perhaps with a little different language or nomenclature. (So why am I making a post about it? Because I can! And it's good to record my process.)
- I respect and honor Creation
- I believe in a Divine Mother as well as a Divine Father
- I believe in the existence of multiple deities (^Duh)
- I believe we shouldn't cause harm to others and if we do, it will come back to us.
- I send my desires out for answer and do my best to believe they will be answered (though at times I struggle with believing I'm worth it, but that's another thing altogether)
- I appreciate the use of high ritual and ceremony in worship
- I believe in the support and ministrations of unseen beings of power and goodness from beyond the veil
I guess "Pagan-flavored Mormon" is
technically more accurate. Either way, I don't consider the two systems to be essential conflicting. In some particulars? Yes. But in philosophical essences? No.
It's a little weird, really. I mean, Mormons are basically the Pagans of the Christian world; meanwhile, many traditional Christian practices come from integrating elements of Paganism to help assimilate populations to the faith. It's
really not that big of a deal. People get freaked out because of aspersions cast upon Pagan traditions over the centuries, and equate it with Satanism. They aren't the same thing, though. Paganism is nature-based. Pagans don't even believe in the existence of Satan, much less worship him.
In spite of all these things, I still hesitate to really "out" myself more. My Facebook profile does list my religious views as "
Pagan-flavored Mormon:
Loving the Earth. Seeking my Mother alongside my Father and my Savior.
Observing cycles, seasons and Sabbats. Embracing truth. Keeping my
temple recommend. It's not as crazy or difficult as you think." No one has commented, so I don't know if anyone has noticed.
Then there's this post that I may or may not be brave enough to display in the view of my Ward members. It's that hesitation, because of the bad connotations surrounding Paganism. And then there's the feeling like I'm "too Mormon, not Pagan
enough" or "too Pagan, not Mormon
enough" to suit those on either side who would judge me, rather than extending compassion and acceptance. The pressure I feel to conform to one or the other is tremendous. It might be self-imposed, but if I'm completely honest, I do not trust everyone I know
not to judge me for one or the other. It's discouraging.
Still. When it comes down to it, Paganism has made me a better Mormon. Lighting a candle while I pray makes me feel more focused and keeps my mind from wandering so much. Adding ritual elements to my day-to-day makes me feel more connected with God. Is it "critical to my salvation" to smudge with sage or sweetgrass to "clear my space"? No, but I don't think it hurts, and it makes my faith rituals feel more intentional. I miss that in mainstream Mormonism. I feel like we've had some of the beauty scrubbed out of our general practice. Incense and oil were burnt in the ancient temples of Isreal to purify and sanctify the space and to lift prayers to Heaven. Ornamentation and artwork in our regular church buildings is minimal, and while I don't think we need to go anywhere near Baroque cathedrals, I don't usually find our facilities more beautiful than functional. With the exception of temples, I really don't find anything inspiring about the form of most of our facilities in and of themselves. We've become so much about practicality and uniformity in modern times. Things like beauty in architecture and adornment, scent, sound... we rarely use more of our physical senses than sight and hearing in our services and rituals, and I think that makes our correlated practices... sterile. Homogenized. Pasteurized. Devitalized. Boring. Uninspiring.
Anyway. For me, bringing in these new elements has given my faith vitality again in a time when I desperately need it. It makes it easier for me to feel like I'm in touch with Divine power, like I can receive revelation and inspiration, be guided and protected. I feel a little bit more spiritually alive, and I crave that. I have always craved it.
It's not the way for everyone, and I understand that. That's okay. Frankly, neither is being ultra-orthodox. Different people have different spiritual needs, and anyone willing
can come to Christ and accept the Savior, though their needs be different. He did come to learn to succor us all, not just the Mollys and Peters. This is
my personal need and my expression. I don't expect anyone to join me, though I'm eternally grateful for those who do. There are small numbers of us. I am blessed with
three in particular, my sisters, my Coven. We're all on this crazy, crunchy, Earth-loving, Christ-following, Mother-seeking, covenant-keeping, recommend-maintaining, ritual-doing Morgan path together.
So yeah. I'm a Morgan. A Pagan-flavored Mormon or a Mormon-flavored Pagan. Some people are going to disagree with that. I can't help it. I can't help it if they may even be in my own family. But I'm using this Pagan side of me to improve the quality of my Mormon side.
I still believe in the Godhead, though I also admit Mother to it in my own mind. I believe in the Atonement. I sustain the Prophet and leaders as men and women called of God. I am chaste, almost to a fault. My family relationships are loving and non-abusive. I do
not associate with organizations or individuals who preach or practice contrary to the Gospel--this being the sticking point in this whole journey, and the purpose of this post: My Paganism augments my Mormonism, it does not oppose it. I strive to keep my covenants, stay active in the Church, and be a good person. I am honest. I pay my tithes. I obey the Word of Wisdom. I wear my garments. I feel worthy to enter the temple. I am worthy.
I am unorthodox. But I am worthy.
