Mortal Ambitions

I know our time here is limited, and we must at times forego the good in order to choose the better or best things in life for ourselves, our families, and our faith in Christ.  I feel that, having eternity, we'll have ample opportunity to do just about any righteous thing we want to do, have every righteous experience to which we aspire.  Perhaps it will be even better after "this frail existence", when we are strong and whole and able to appreciate them at even deeper levels than we're currently capable, in a perfect sphere of health and awareness.

Still, I must say that I wish I hadn't dawdled the past few years of my life away in uncertainty and dwelling on what wasn't, what had been, and what might still be.  If I could have the past six years of my life back, knowing what I know now, I would have worked much harder, to provide myself a chance to do at least a few of the following.

• Live in a yurt for at least a year
• Go to Ireland
• Go to Alaska, possibly live there for at least a year
• Homestead on at least one acre of open ground, or five would be even better.  A horse, chickens, and a goat or two would be very nice.
• Have five children
• Sing in or with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir
• Improve my fiber art skills (sewing, knitting, crocheting, spinning, weaving)
• Be a traveling doula?  At least a few times, if not fully professionally.  The jury is out on this one, but it's an intriguing idea.

My list changes often, in both content and length. I've had lists with a dozen or two or more ambitions.  A lot of them used to revolve around starting an awesome spa, and losing a bunch of weight and marrying the perfect man.  Sure those things are all still there in their various forms, they've just morphed as I've grown and matured.  I don't feel the need to list them anymore because they're just there in the fabric of my life.

I posted on Facebook earlier: 

"So much of what I thought was such a big fat deal over the past several years was really so insignificant. If I'd known I'd have at least this much time in my single life, I would've done so much more instead of hesitating because I -might- meet someone... whom I never did. Oh hindsight. Now, I can either choose to continue hesitating, or just get down to living and let love be incidental to the mess. Hm."

I have posted other, similar thoughts lately, and been urged by others (older, more experienced) to carry on and go for it.  I wish I had my lost time back, but at this point, I may yet have another year or two or more of singleness, and it would be foolish to waste it in the hopes than I'll meet Mr. Right, drop everything, and start churning out kids in a desperate rush to cling to my best fertile years.  Considering that I'm fairly convinced at present that no one but God can heal my present fertility dilemmas, I should probably stop worrying about it.  Does fertility decline after 35?  Probably.  Does pregnancy after 40 have a higher tendency for complications?  Yes.  Does that mean I am guaranteed a biological dead end after January 1, 2017?  No.  Am I likely going to face hardship, even grief?  Very likely.

I know I'm supposed to be a mother.  I don't know what that means yet, but I have that promise, as long as I'm faithful.  These ambitions are good.  In time, I will either fulfill many of them on my own, or with my family.  I should likely plan and aim for them on my own, and if and when a family comes, they can join in the adventure.

Part of me dislikes that I've come to this place in my life, of having to plan to just get on with it and stop watching the metaphorical door, waiting for the right man to walk through it.  However, concentrating on my disliking it only wastes my time.  It doesn't lead anywhere, and it stops me from pursuing more interesting things than moping and pining.  Like living in a yurt.  Perhaps in Alaska.